Sex is supposed to be one of the highlights of the human experience,
but highlights can turn into high anxiety faster than you can say turn out the lights!
With each new partner, the roar of panic can rear its head. If you
think your new person will wait until you have calmed down – well,
that’s not an option.
Just ask anyone who has decided to wait for a few weeks, or months, due to anxiety issues. The more time you have to think it through, the more scary the scenarios are that come to mind, and the more meaning is placed upon the act. Then you only have more panic to deal with!
What if it’s bad? What if it’s good? What does this mean? What will I do? Will they like what I do? Will I like what they do? Performance anxiety can be crippling. But someone’s got to be doing something right, because you’re about to do it again. Remember? Most of those nights were pretty hot and heavy.
If you are one of those people who panic at the disco, here are some tips to keep you in the mood and out of your own head.
Always remember: your body looks better than you think. No one looks like the people in magazines – not even the people in magazines! Living in an age of photo-shopping, airbrushing, and digitizing has distorted our ideas of beauty and perfection. Even though most of us have seen god- and goddess-like bodies on TV, we don’t expect those in the bedroom. The truth is, there are a lot of imperfect bodies having great sex. And yours can be one of them!
Think back on all the lovers you’ve ever had: chances are, the partner with the most outward beauty wasn’t the one with the most pizazz between the sheets. Your new partner was into you before you took your clothes off, so showing your skin is only going to turn the heat up. The truth is that most men like some meat on their women – and most women like to be better-looking than their men! So, yes: the model boys and girls in the magazines are pretty to look at, but don’t let that stop you from getting your groove on.
It’s just sex
Having sex doesn’t mean you’re getting married. It’s sex. It’s a natural physical act that has been happening since Adam and Eve. You don’t have to reinvent it with new gymnastics or jungle sounds, or take it to a spiritual realm beyond this dimension. It’s fun and great – and has definite health benefits. However, sex is not the ultimate indicator of whether you’ll spend the rest of your life with this person. That’s not to say that couples don’t bond when they are having sex. Of course that is part of it. But just because you are having sex doesn’t mean you are more of a couple than you were the day before making love. And if you are having sex to “prove” you are a couple, you may be in for a very painful shock!
If you have questions about your relationship, ask your partner about those. Don’t answer doubts in your mind with mind-blowing sex. Because no matter how great the sex is, if the relationship isn’t growing outside of the boudoir, you can’t make it happen in the dark.
Remember, sex itself becomes very unsexy under interrogation. One terrible symptom of sex panic is the desire for repeated reassurance from your new partner of how good you are in bed. There is really nothing less sexy than analyzing the experience you just had. The only reason for doing that is because you are insecure – and insecurity won’t go away from one quick answer of “it was great!” (Which, by the way, is the only answer to give – even though it sometimes just leads to the worst question ever, “am I the best?” Of course, the only reply to that one is “yes” – unless you are not planning on getting it on with this person in the near future.)
One problem here is that memory of fantastic sex from that weekend you found yourself in a land of threesomes and trees made of money. That actually might have been the best sex of all time – for that time in your life. But making love with someone you care about can’t be compared to the raging hormones of adolescence, because it’s just a different landscape. This isn’t to say that you can’t have great sex after your twenties – in fact, it will turn into something even better as you get to know your body and your partner’s. But comparing your real relationship in the present to treasured memories from your past is just going to put everyone in a very bad mood. And that’s not a turn-on at all.
If you’re still freaking out, it’s time to have some fantasy fun. You need to lie down and imagine this encounter going very, very, very well. Remember that sexiness starts and ends in your head: the great times you’ve had in the past were because you are sexy! So open your eyes, smile, and bring that sex energy with you everywhere you go. It’s not just for the specified time between the sheets. Sexiness is a 24/7 deal. Practice feeling good – and attractive – all the time. Then when that sex panic strikes it’ll be a walk in the park. Naked. With someone you adore. See? You’re smiling already.