Sex is one of the few universal experiences for nearly all adults, yet it’s shrouded in mystery. Who’s having it? How much is too much? What’s okay and what’s not okay? There are magazine articles, films and books upon books about how to do it, when to do it and how to pick the right person to do it with.
Yet something that’s missing in all this hot frenzy is that sex starts in the brain. It starts in the individual. It starts with you. The roles we carve out in life and the lives we have in the bedroom are really one and the same because the way we do one thing is the way we do everything.
If you are a giving person in your friendships and workplace, chances are you are giving between the sheets. The same way, if you punish yourself with negative thoughts and self-loathing, chances are your sex life is probably not very satisfying. Your thoughts create your sexual being.
Have you ever met someone who isn’t particularly good looking, but they exude a sensuality that everyone around them responds to? They know they are sexy and therefore they are sexy. They own their own sexual power and what’s truly a turn on – is that they know themselves. And that is the key to feeling alive, sexual and free all the time. Being free in yourself. The exciting thing is that it works both ways. Your life can free your sexual side and your own sexual exploration can free you.
So how do you open your sexuality to find your truest self? First, love every one of your fabulous fantasies. The mind is the greatest sexual playground of all. We can conjure up any number of scandalous, riveting, gravity-defying scenarios. Let your mind find what interests you and take note of it. Do you often imagine yourself in a dominant role in your fantasy life – or do you like to imagine yourself being dominated by another?
Often our fantasies put us in power in ways we can’t obtain in our own lives. If you are usually the ringleader with your family and friends, your fantasies may put you in a place of passivity, or being taken care of intimately by another. Think of the stereotype of a bored housewife reading a romance novel… don’t we all have a deep desire to express ourselves sexually?
What “turns you on” comes from your intrinsic and the complete unique make-up you possess as a human being. Delight in the patterns you see in yourself. Use your fantasies to embrace every expression you have. Especially examine fantasies that are repetitive. What are they telling you? What should you seek in your life that you can have easily with your fantasies? Your sexual, creative and intellectual powers are the three interwoven ropes of your core self. Use each one to shed light on the other.
Once you’re in tune with your instincts and fantasies, let research take you wherever it leads you. There is great freedom in finding your own personal truth. Your sexual life is part of that journey. You must understand who you are sexually in order to attract your best partner. But along the way, as you discover it, you are likely to attract any number of people into your path. Whatever your boundaries are about the physical sexual acts, each different dynamic you experience while dating and in close relationships are clues to who you really are.
Whether a casual night, a love affair while abroad or a long-term relationship – you will uncover lots of dynamics that work for you. Plus, you’ll totally know when a dynamic doesn’t suit you. To live your fullest life, you must be brutally honest with yourself about what suits you in your sexual life. For some, this means actually courting the person you really want – not what any book or friend has told you. For others, it means truly telling your partner what excites you and having the courage to hear what excites them too.
When you are in a place where you can share your fantasies with your partner and incorporate some elements into your relationship, you know you have found someone who accepts you for all that you are. That’s a powerful connection.
Remember what kind of people you were attracted to when you were a teenager? At college? Now you may laugh at what turned you on. As we expand and grow, our curiosity can lead us to an even deeper understanding of our sexual selves. There’s nothing to be lost by trying a tantra class or a nudist resort or anything you dream up. It’s all really an exploration of self. You’ll know what works for you and what doesn’t. If you are in a committed relationship, talk to your partner. There are lots of classes and DVD’s you can enjoy together. Be open to your partner’s exploration, too. Don’t be threatened by fantasies or curiosity. If your partner is sharing it with you, they are bringing it to you with a desire to enhance your relationship.
The big surprise to spending a little effort in expanding your sexual self is that it affects all the other areas of your life. Just as being in a bad relationship colors your career and other friendships, fully expressing your sexual self ignites your career and makes you more attractive to other people. And what could be more fun than defining your truest sexual desires?