Has the sex gone out of your marriage? If the answer is yes, you’re not alone according to our top California Psychics.
Everyday, our psychics speak with callers who share their personal sadness over marriages that have never been consummated, couples that lose their drive after having children and issues of sexual intimacy and compatibility.
Oftentimes when sex has become the elephant in the room, individuals begin to look outside of their marriage for fulfillment. In these situations, our psychics say, the person may not even believe that they are cheating – they have to get their needs met after all.
If sexual needs are mismatched, an astrologer can see it immediately in a couple’s chart. But there are times when both spouses are on the same page and are in agreement that sex is not all that important.
Tell us what you think. If everything else about a relationship is great, can sexless marriages work? How important really is sex to a relationship? If needs are mismatched, is it ever ok to venture outside the marriage?
Read the next part in our sexless marriage series.
Astrology & Numerology
Career & Work
Deceased Loved Ones
Destiny / Life Path
Dreams
Love & Relationships
Mind, Body & Spirit
Pets and Animals
Thank you so much for posting. I’m in a similar situation only he’s impotent and 24 years older than me with a picture habit. I feel completely demoralized and hopeless at times, although with the ability to observe myself experiencing feeling that way. I don’t need sex. I love sex, but sex isn’t what I’m missing.What I’m missing is that feeling that I’m enough. I’m missing my self-esteem. I’m missing the courage and energy I once had to take chances. I ended up gaining a lot of weight and internalizing my pain through eating and drinking and I am now having to rebuild a relationship with myself because I allowed his past time to measure me instead of feeling confident in my own criteria. It was never about the sex for me. It’s always been about my idea that he doesn’t want me to give him sexual satisfaction. He wants something other, pictures. I honestly don’t have any idea what’s going on with him, but it appears to me that he wants pictures. What I understand about myself in this situation is that I need to create opportunities to prove to myself that I’m deserving and worthy. It’s not something I just ‘know’, but I have to convince myself.I don’t currently have the confidence to exit the relationship and until now, I couldn’t understand why anyone would stay in a situation like this. Feeling demoralized and being debased(although the appearance is that he’s a good provider and he really loves me)takes a lot out of some people, such as myself. I’ll be 39 at the end of November (I’m a Sag, so one would think that being faced with this situation would just propel me to my next adventure away from such miserable tortures, LOL). At any rate, the male psychic’s advice seems like a good idea. It could serve to validate your need to feel desirable and wanted, and offer a springboard for your own sense of empowerment. I wish you well and thanks again.
The only way a sexless marriage works is if both persons are in agreement. If not, then one is going to be sacrificing. I’ve been married 27 yrs of which over 10 of that has been without sex. My husband never took care of himself and ended up gaining enough weight it limited our sex life when we were still able to have sex. He also has an issue with chronic depression, which he had when we married but I didn’t fully understand the implications at 21. Our marriage has been a roller coaster of his emotions, which nearly all of our marriage has left me out there on my own to provide for our family.
Diabetes, most likely due to obesity, was what finally did in our sex life. When sex became impossible I told myself a good wife wouldn’t go outside the marriage and I didn’t for 5 years. During those 5 years, I no longer cared about myself and gained a lot of weight, partly due to depression myself, stress, and telling myself that if no one found me attractive then I would have no temptations. It worked for 5 years until I came to realize I was beginning to hate him for the situation we were in and I didn’t want to feel that way.
I protected him for a long time due to his problem with depression and took all the burden of marriage and family on myself. When sex left too it was more than I could tolerate. I started having sex outside the marriage after 5 years of having none and found that it helped my attitude immensely. I’d sacrificed my own feelings to the point I felt no emotion for him at all. Through all this we ended up finally talking to each other about it. I need sex occasionally and he can’t provide it. We found there’s a lot of couples out there, mostly with the man being unable to provide sex, when he made an acct on a swingers site. We’re not swingers but have found one person we invite in for sex every few months. We’re both in agreement to this arrangement. If we weren’t doing this, I’d probably leave. Frankly, if you’re not in this situation, you can’t possibly know how it feels. The many times I’ve heard, ‘if you loved him you wouldn’t do this’,doesn’t work folks. Sometimes still this marriage is almost too much but I am his friend and he’s mine so I stay. After all these years, and four hospitalizations on his part for being suicidal, two of those being attempts, I cannot feel deeply for him. Someone still has to be here for our kids and I would never sacrifice my own sanity for the sake of staying married.
Dear Ladybug,
As I read what you wrote I recieved a very clear message for you…Through you this man healed. It was with losing you that drove him to seek help for his addiction. Please have peace in knowing you helped him heal. You have that very same power to heal your own emotions through self love give yourself permission and watch what gets sent to you when you least expect it.
Many Blessings
~Abigail~
I live that life, and I believe that for me it is just a part of our marriage dieing. I leaves you with a sense that something a major factor is Gone. Love, caring, sharing, and just the need to be wanted, I know because that is what I miss, I love my Husband but there is nothing there anymore. Just the fact that he can come and go, and pretty much do as he see’s fit. If he wants to initiate sex makes sure he is taken care of and rolls over. IF I get an invitation to a Pleasure party, with girls to look at books and place orders he thinks we are all sick. So, I just do not bother going. It eventually takes its toll and ends up ugly.
I believe people may grow apart and not be the same two people they were when first together. My husband and I met in a drug haze and face it, that was not our true selves. I love my husband as a friend but I have come to the decision I will not have sex just to meet his needs and that is how it has been for a long time. Sex in commercial time with not even a kiss. My husband doesn’t even take off his clothes. I refuse to be a concubine so I let him know I’m no longer interested. I believe that it should be a mutual relationship. I would divorce him because I know I have passion in me. Unfortunately, it would make 5 people unhappy and me happy. So I lie in the bed I made
Hi All,
Well I will say for one thing i think sexless marriages, are up to the two people that are involed with. as for me my husband cheated on me for 9 months until i caught him , and now he wants to try to make this marriage work well it is not,i still want my DIVORCE from him , cause there is no love there since he betrayed my trust and touch another woman . i will not let him touch me , and we have been married for 7 years now , and he cheated on me in our 6 year of our marriage. as for sex in a marriage i say yea there should be sex in a marriage to keep us both happy together , plus it is good for the realationship too .
Donna H in Ky
I say: Get a divorce if it won’t make your life harder than it is now. I was on “his” side up until I read the part about his bisexual preference and the fact that he’s never been an enthusiastic sexual partner for you. In my opinion, he’s been untruthful and unfaithful to you all along. So, why waste anymore of your life with him as a solitary partner. I know you share the history and family with him and you can still do that as “divorced friends”. But I don’t think you are under any ethical obligation under the present circumstances to continue to give ALL OF YOUR LIFE OVER TO THIS MAN. I don’t see him as deserving of that from you.
I am married to a wonderful man who adores me every minute of every day. He also is disabled which I knew when I married him. I thought I could live with our sex life but I was sorely wrong. I woke up one day after about 7 years and thought, I can’t do this anymore. I used to think I would NEVER consider having an affair but here I am doing that very thing and looking forward to it everyday. It is the one thing that keeps me going in my marriage. Everyday I think about leaving but feel guilty about leaving someone that needs me. Wrong or not, everyone deserves to be happy (including my husband)and I will have to make a decision based on that. No relationship is guaranteed to last forever and people do change and grow apart. It is hurtful but you have to accept it and move on.
I too had been married for 12 years and my husband from the beginning of our marriage found pornography more appealing than me. We were both ‘committed Christians’ and we were encouraged to repent of our sins to keep our marriage going. He never did. Instead I became asexual and desired to be a mother. We went on to adopt a child (yes – because he still wouldn’t give me love to create one) and I left him with my son. I did not want my child to learn that this was the way you ‘love’ a woman!! Instead I’m alone. And do you know what? He is in another relationship with someone else now and he is devoted to her. I obviously was not the one he craved for and I gave him the freedom to be the man he wanted to be.I’m not bitter – just sad that I spent so many years trying to please a man to the point of debasing myself for affection and he now has what I wanted most – the love of another human being.
My husband and I just had our 2nd daughter, and from the time I was pregnant with my first one until I had my second, I had no sex drive. I felt bad, but I just didnt want to be intimate. Now I found out that my husband was meeting his “needs” elsewhere, with other woman, goodness knows how many times. I don’t think its ok to stray, but each partner should discuss their feelings, and see if anything can be compromised. That is why its a partnership, a marriage. It hurts to know he couldnt come to me, and went to other women for fulfillment.
My husband and I have been married for 34 years,and we have a deep love and devotion to each other. We have 3 children and 3 grandchildren. I was 19 when I married, and he is the only person I have ever been with sexually. His interest in sex was ever present until he began medication for health problems. Now he has no interest in sex and I guess he never will again as he will be on the meds for the rest of his life. I am a 50 year old woman who is vibrant, strong, and young at heart, and the thought of going without sex for the rest of my life is to say the least…depressing. I do believe that being sexually active keeps you young at heart, and helps keep a healthy person healthy. At times I find myself resenting my husband because he does not realize how I feel. We no longer kiss, or hug and there are no intimate moments. Just the opposite. At times I get irritated just being in the same room with him. I love my husband, and I know he loves me. I have always said that I would never be with another man, on the other hand life has taught me to say “never say never”.
Nearly 3 years ago my husband had a minor accident that required surgery. It was also at that time I decided that after his recovery, it was time for me to leave our not-in-love-marriage. Well he ended up with nerve damage, unable to work and on medications that prevent erections. (how can I leave now without looking heartless?) We haven’t had sex in over two years. I don’t miss it with him because the twice a year sex that we did have was aweful. I found out after 25 years of marriage that he is bisexual. No wonder he turned me down 95% of the time I tried to initiate sex. His turning me down time after time made me feel like a cheap whore. After years of no intimacy (kissing, cuddling, hand holding, hugging or sex) I had an anxiety attack and was put on soloft. I now have a FWB that I only have sex with twice a year. It’s not much, but it keeps my sanity and makes me feel alive. If I don’t have sex with my FWB, I will never have sex again unless I manage the courage to get a divorce after 30 years.
Bl
I know what you’re saying.This is what I think of lifetime commitments:
A marriage is a contract.
Both parties should agree to the basics like sex and money and children.
And then we grow up.
Or not
Partners stay together for a variety of reasons and sex is just a part of our lessons together. I stay with this man because we do have love together. He also loves his wife. It tears him up. Lack of sex is what sent him away from her. We all change as we grow older and we should learn to let go as well as hold on. A marriage contract should be just that. It should not be an excuse to hold on to or let go of someone we love because of our own insecurities. I’m fine by myself and if and when this ends I’ll still feel that the time I spent with intimacy and this man is worth it.It’s his choice to live the kind of life he wants.I’ll live mine. In the end we all have the choice. Mine is to feast at the banquet.
aj
I think he might be in male menopause and has lost his libido, is low is testosterone. Have him checked out by a doctor.
Hope it changes for you : )
I agree with greekgal…..it’s the human touch and connection that make intimacy important. The loving and nurturing that is involved. I would add that to me physical intimacy ( I don’t care to call it sex) is the ultimate physical manifestation of showing love and affection to your partner, so yes, it is very important and should be a big part of a marriage or relationship.
oh my love you have just described my 17 yr relationship with my cheating husband I thought this had only happened to me, I was married 5 yrs when I caught him at it in a 6 yrs relationship!!! Bastard let me go through marriage me thinking I the only one he loved – he was never really mine to start with never ever, he claims he loves me – I think he does but he is not IN LOVE with me – a big difference, yes I am showered with gifts anything I want except what I want him, thanks for letting me know I am not alone – Isabella, 54 x
I have been in a sexless marriage for 12 years. I had moved out but my husband became ill so I have moved back in to care for him. No a sexless marriage does not work. I have had sex for the first time in 12 years with another man and I am not giving it up again.
I could preach a sermon on what I am reading here because most of what I am reading is about people that are more interested in sexual gratification than what God calls true love.
I think there are a lot of self centered, “what can you do for me” attitudes that are cross ways of what your maker listed as the way to live and have a loved life.
Sorry, but if emotions can not be controlled and someone may be having an underlying health problem , then it appears that the “broken hearted”, “feeling unloved” and “lack of self esteem” is just another way of saying I want what I want what I want, when I want it to satisfiy my own self. 99% of the problems are caused by underlying health problems that a person is either too stubborn to admit they have, too scared to admit to their spouse they have a health problem wanting to appear fit and healthy. Think about this, God says that marriage is for Better or Worse, richer or poorer in sickness and in health. When you vow that to a spouse, you are also making a covenant with God. He is never impressed with fleeting promises, and definitely not impressed with those that break their covenant made with him when they took their marriage vows.
Be carefull of what you think is an important desire, it can come around and bite you big time. I have seen it happen to lots of people that thought their desires and “needs” were more important than being there for their spouse through better or worse. Think before you speak or act, as your words can kill you.
My daughter and her boyfriend have lived together for 5 years and are both 28 years old. They say they love each other but do not want to get married or have children. When I asked my daughter what she did for birth control she told me that they do not have sex! I could not understand it at the time, because they are both normal healthy attractive people. Can anyone give some insight on this?
I’m a bit disappointed that the description of this article in my email was ‘marriage without intimacy’ but the article is only about physical intimacy.
Thank God (Literally), it’s about time this was addressed. I’ve been married almost 17 yrs and shortly after marriage my husband weaned off lovemaking with me, though prior to marriage we couldn’t leave hands off each other. We both married before for many years.Both had children(mine grown; his with ex and now grown). We are 8 yrs different in age; I am older (however, very small,young looking, and playful)but he looks and acts old. His ex claimed he wouldn’t have much sex with her either. Seems all the while he said he was impotent, he was actually looking at girls and satisfying himself. i caught him a few times and was furious, since I was told he was impotent. He even convinced the doctors and they gave him pills (he said they gave him headaches).After a while it became known he liked himself and fantasies better than me. When he got Diabetes in 2003, he used it as a definate excuse of impotence, though I caught him up to four months ago. He was on the internet and put hte laptop top down, I pulled it up and saw the porn. this time I was calm when he said someone else got into it. I said, “Yeah, who? You and I are the only peole here and I don’t do women”. i then walked away. Ever since he appears not to do it, says he doesn’t. Who knows. But now he can’t do it much. He killed it for himself and I die every day, wanting to feel intimate and loved. It’s not enought to hold his hand and kiss him.i’m hurt and sad that I gave up my life for this. If I wasn’t older, I’d start all over again, but now I’m just tired of wondering if I’ll ever feel that rush of love and happiness agian. I hate him for what he did to our life but I hate myself more for going without love for almost 15 yrs. Now, even his fantasy girls have no appeal to him and he’s only 54.I haven’t cheated on him. I thought about it a lot. i love him dearly and know he hasn’t cheated with a live female but to me the fantasy girls took my place and because he is so set against adultry I never ventured away from his side when I had the chance. I wonder now if a man would want an older woman now even though I am still little and playful and fairly trim. Now, I find myself using the excuse he is sick with Diabetics though it doesn’t limit anyhting else he does or want. I’d love to know that somewhere out there someone would want me and love me. I even had a male professional physic tell me in July to go find someone to comfort and satisfy my needs. He saw it in the reading. I never would have married him if I had known I would be this unhappy all these years. And yes, he has showered me with every gift he could ever buy. I’m pampered but not sexually fulfilled and yes, it is important.
I was 21 when I met my husband of 38.For 8 months of constant invitations I turned down, I finally said – “YES”! We went out for coffee, then later for drinks, followed by a weekend trip away.After 2wks,he asked me to move in. At that age I didn´t understand sexual intimacy;fully.It took me a month to sleep with him – didnt want to be the barbie or just a sexual object.We were married in one year, and our marriage lasted 10yrs. This man was my soulmate he showed me the world,every second and minute of a day was an adventure.I actually sat down (ONE DAY) and it was the only day I was bored.We were the perfect couple, living the egoistic/jetset life.He had fantasies wanting to order call girls so we were 3 in bed, and we giggled and I was willing to try..But we could never find the right one.3 yrs. later we had a child, during my pregnancy, he lost interest,as most men do.After our baby,everything went downhill sexually. I was 25 and still modelling, and many evenings of him saying; “No not tonight”. I felt ugly, worthless.But at the sametime we were like a cosmic magnet, everything else was perfect – we laughed,we argued,we inspired eachother..BUT NO SEX!I loved this man as if he was the simple beat of my heart.In time,The no sex deteriated my self confidence, like a plant that needed water.And at the same time He was constantly chased by other women.One day I found out he had been having an affair,as well as frequently using escort girls.My heart was shattered,There was nothing I wouldn´t do sexually.Suicidal I even became at times and finally with all courage I had to leave.Afterwards having a new relationship I felt like a virgin but it was greatest feeling when or if I said; “Sex now?”, I never got a no.Sex isnt everything, But it´s an important factor !
Let’s face it girls, men are after one thing and only one thing. MEN use woman for SEX and that’s all they want. The old saying goes,
“why buy the cow when you can get the milk for nothing”. Being best friends in a marriage is more important than sex. sex fades
but friendship lasts a lifetime!!
me again. fooch
Seeking sex outside of a relationship, even without marriage is wrong, at least in my opinion. If there is no sex though, then it’s time to move on for both parties. Sex is about the intimacy between two people, without it, you have a friendship, not much more. If there is love, then you can love from a distance, to be honest, you already are loving from a distance, why would a person give up that level of intimacy? I can see where some couples would, and if they both agree, that’s fine. I can’t say I would agree to it personally. I ended a relationship a while back where the sex had not gone out entirely, but was not frequent and only when she was drinking heavily. In effect, I was the only one who remembered it, so the intimacy was gone, it was no longer shared. I have decided that I can enjoy the intimacy without the need for a deep committment. I’m not referring to casual encounters, but more where two people are monogamous, but really have few intentions of becoming a true couple. I suppose in some ways, it is a relationship, just not declared… To me, it seems far better than being involved and not enjoying each others pleasure…
I decided to respond to your message because it sounds so much like my relationship that I am now in.
I’m now in a sexless relationship. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. The sex stopped over 5 years ago. I became very depressed. I started feeling like I was not attrative anymore. Then I started to try different things in the bedroom. I got no response, just a “cold shoulder”.
You are so right a, “It is a drain to stay in a relationship with no physical attraction.” Even after everything else failed I was willing to stay, but I realized that you can’t make a person love you or want to be intimate with you. Sex is not love, but I feel that it is a “BIG” part of it….
I have decided to leave, I told my husband yesterday. I got the same “cold shoulder”. I called a lawyer today!!!!
I stayed in a sexless marriage for 10 years because I had two children. Now I realize with a sense of regret that my entire 40′s were sexless. Is sex important? You better believe it is important. I left him this year and feel happy and excited and free free free. Can’t wait to find a new man to spoil and enjoy the rest of my life with.
I agre that sex is a very important part of a relationship. But…it’s not just the physical act itself but the feelings that go along with it. The sharing, touching, feeling connected to another human being. Sex is a gift and itsn’t it just a shame to waste it?
Hi B,
Different strokes for diffrent folks……
yes, a healthy sex life is usually desired by all…BUT not always possible……due to age, health and circumstances that play an important part in all of this.
Everybody can relate to this question, but it is diffrent for everybody.
Blessed Be )O(….Gina Rose ext.9500
I’ve been married 30 years to the same man. The same man who pouted if we didn’t have sex for 3 days. Now he’s 5o and doesn’t like for me to touch him like I used to and has lost interest in sex. I’m dying here. I told him I was not going to live the rest of my life without touching and without sex and he told me to get a ‘horn dog boyfriend’ if that’s what I wanted. What! 30 years and 4 kids and 7 grandchildren are a lot of history between us. But I’m losing my mind with heart ache.
Gina Rose, that is so on but it is nice to have all..
If there’s no sex, it’s a time bomb, sooner or later, one or the other, will seek for it outside the relationship. And once you open up that door, there’s always the possibility to get emotionally involved with someone else and the marriage loosing it’s priority place.
Anita, I have been a “mistress” for the past 4 years to a man in a sexless marriage. I enjoy being with him and over the years have fallen in love with him. This is where it gets dangerous….the wife is dependent and needy and has never really cared for sex, she has made sure that the “family unit” has stayed tight reined for the last 10 years because this seems to ground a man even when he isn’t getting his needs met. With all this said…why don’t they leave if they have someone to jump to? Is it financial? Guilt? Or does he have his “cake” and is eating it to? I know he cares for me however I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS RELATIONSHIP. (and so are you!!) I have wished so many times it could be different but it won’t be until I make it so. I wish you the strength to follow your heart out the door…..I am worth so much more than a “booty” call- I am worth THE WHOLE PACKAGE. Don’t settle for a piece when you can have the whole pie. Good luck!
Thanks Patty! I appreciate your honesty.
A lot of readers know that sex is something that can vary with each individual as well as with couples. I have seen the extremes…thanks again,
miss krystal
I think when you get a certain age, sex isn’t everything, when you are in your twenties or thirties, it is important, your in the prime of your life, plus important to have children. When your in your fifties and older it’s not that important, it’s the companionship that is important
to me, and compatibility. If your in a bad relationship sex doesn’t change anything, if your
mate is ignorant to you, why should you have sex? my friends husband says it’s part of marriage, weather you want it or not. No that’s not true, if
2 people consent on having sex, well that’s ok, but
if 1 person wants it and other one doesn’t no, then
don’t have sex.
NO SEX???
file for divorce and open the door and go find your true lover
It is about mutuality. If physical intimacy is not important to either partner, and they are best friends, that it can work out. however if one needs that passion, and the other does not, it is doomed or will be a big uphill struggle in order to stay there. I cannot be miserable like that, thus I jumped ship.
I am a very sexual woman and was physically attracted to a man older than me with an ED problem due to diabetes. Because the chemistry was there and I LOVE touching him I began to concentrate on that, touching him. I found I could relax him and turn him on at the same time. He felt the love from my fingers and my mouth and he reciprocated by giving me mind blowing oral sex and toy play. Honestly, penetration is over rated, what we have together is magic for both us us. TOUCH him and make him feel special, you will be rewarded! Also..creativity doesn’t hurt either, and it is fun! Find other ways to express your desire and you will feel like nothing has been lost. Don’t ever give up even when you are 80 you can still touch.
I totally can understand what ya mean about him satisfying himself and being embaressed by masturbating. My husband is unable to keep an erection. So when we do finally make love it lasts all but 5-20 minutes. He’s very hard to satisfy also. He won’t masturbate in front of me, he says it’s not a party. I’ve always been able to masturbate in front of the man I love and he woulld also do it. Not my husband. We have sex once every year. I don’t believe in adultery but I’m going NUTS. I’ve had a total hysterectomy and I’m still horny as hell.
He got himself off with me and I didn’t. Now he doesn’t help me at all. He won’t give me any oral sex at all because of his last wowman in his life. I’m getting ripped off big time. We love each other and are perfectly yolked in the Lord but we don’t have any intimacy at all.I need more,I don’t know if I can last like this another five years. We don’t have the money or coverage to get him checked out. I need more than holding hands and lightly kissing.
We have a passionless marriage. He’s 6 1/2 yrs. older than me but I need more.I need lots of prayers.
If the sex is not good sex then that can break a relationship/marriage up. For example if you have a woman that don’t want to perform oral sex on you then that man may decide to leave for another woman. Then if that woman is fulfilling that one need for that man then he will probably stay with that woman just because she gave him some good head, and the other woman would not give him oral sex at all. If a man stay in a relationship/marriage like that then you better believe he will get him some head somewhere else and just cheat. Oral sex is how most couples start off before intercourse.
May I suggest that, if you sincerely care to maintain a healthy relationship with you husband that you consider counseling. First by yourself to deal with you past issues, then perhaps couples counseling. I think such a thing would not only help with your intimacy but also bring you and your husband closer together emotionally.
SEX IS ONE PART OF LIFE YOU DO NOT IGNORE OR PLAY WITH.IT IS A NECESSITY AND IT IS INSPIRING,YOU KNOW IF YOU AND PARTNER HAVE A GOOD SEX LIFE THE REST OF THE LIFE IS EASIER TO DEAL WITH.INTIMACY IS LIKE A FOOD FOR THE BODY AND THE BRAIN.SO IF YOU ARE HAPPY IN YOUR SEX LIFE,OTHER THINGS ARE EASY TO ENDURE.ALSO A GOOD SEX LIFE IS THE WHOLE NINE YARDS.THE ICING ON THE CAKE AND ALL THE OTHER GOOD STUFF.
Why even get married if you are not going to get busy, and do the nasty with your wife. If you are elderly and you know you don’t have it anymore, and just want to be married without doing the nasty then that is different. Sex is all apart of it. Women want sex just as much as men do. If the inside of your ear is itching and you scratch it then which do you think will feel better? Will it be you finger or the inside of your ear? Women want sex more than men do.
The book, Infidelity and Awakening is a candid memoir about a woman in this predicament. It’s not always easy to leave a marriage when you have small children and financial constraints. Sexual intimacy and passion are critical in helping us feel alive and connected.
Carole Remmler
Intimacy Coach and Author
http://www.awakenintimacy.com
Age has a lot to do with it; and interests in common. I am married 50 years and love my husband but sex is almost non-existent. Health also has a lot to do with it. Sex IS NOT everything. Respect both for yourself and your spouse is very important. Also laughing at yourselves. Of course alcohol helps.
Sex is a beautiful thing, it’s one of life’s natural pleasures. It doesn’t have to be everyday but it has to be there.
SEX IS VERY IMPORTANT PART OF A RELATIONSHIP. WHEN PEOPLE MEET THEY ARE ATRACTED PHYSICALLY. AFTER THAT IT IS THE SEX THAT KEEPS THEM TOGETHER.
Interesting topic. I am in this situation. Its difficult, but i dont think my marriage is doomed. I dont think it should go on this way forever though.
i dont really understand it, but it is what it is. i used to be very into sex, when my husband and i first met, up until i got pregnant. then, he just shut off to me. he was distant, and wouldnt touch me anymore. we got married because i got pregnant.
we really do have a wonderful relationship. we both knew we wanted to be together, but i didnt want to get married. to me the only reason to marry was to be a family if we had children. my pregnancy was unexpected.
so why stay in a relationship if the sex isnt there or isnt fulfulling? my answer is, for the family when kids are involved.
after my pregnancy i just never switched back. i had gained weight, and was very hurt that his attitude changed so suddenly and drastically. i knew he was meeting his own needs, by himself, with the aid of pornography, and it made me sad. i felt like it was infidelity. had he included me in that, asked me to watch porn with him or whatever, i wouldnt have minded, but he made his sexuality his own business and none of mine.
i also have a history of sexual abuse, and i think that something about becoming a mother, having my body taken from me, being turned into a habitat for another life made me feel differently. i have a hard time seeing myself as a sexual being at the same time as being a good mother, i know this is my own baggage, but again, it is what it is.
so after i had my daughter my husband resumed his interest, but i did not. yes, we struggle, but our love is bigger than that and our daughter is way too important to us to let that stop us from being a family.
one thing that pisses me off a little still, how come men are content alone, pleasing themselves for long periods of time, but then all of a sudden act so deprived when in a relationship with a woman who isnt interested in sex? so silly. they managed when they were single, or not interested on their own?
so recently i caught my husband masturbating. out in the backyard, looking up to the wide open sky. i didnt look away and didnt stop walking towards him. i hugged him, his heart was pounding. he was so embarassed and so ashamed. he apologized. i said, “whats the big deal? im not your mother.” he relaxed, and its been okay.
i do try, and we have sex about once every 3 weeks, and when we do its good, its not that we have a “sexless” marriage.
anyway, i just want to point out that soulmates can be together and understand, and it doesnt have to ruin a family. children deserve a family. if my husband needed to “get his needs met” by a person and not his own hand, I would not prohibit him. i would simply ask him to be honest and open with me, not hide it from me. maybe i would try to be involved with that, im not sure, but i am so over living in jealousy. that is so yesteryear.
to me its important for my husband to be with me out of choice, not a feeling of being trapped.i would do whatever it takes to keep our family together. its not so easy to just “give it up,” if im not in the right frame of mind sex reverts me back to my abuse, and it hurts, i dont want to feel that way about my husband.
Here’s The Bottom Line:
It’s real flattering to try to convince someone that love is more than just sex. But God gave us marriage so we wouldn’t stray and get our needs met through our partners.
When a partner continuosly shuts you off or blames you for no intimacy – that is called abuse..plain and simple, emotional control and a very good indicator that someone else is robing you of your role as lover and best friend.
What happens if you love him so much you tolerate that kind of treatment?- Results: low self esteem, depression, and the final curse of all-cervical cancer-which if you read about it, comes from multiple sex partners. If that wasn’t you doing that-then who was it? And, why oh why didn’t you wake up and love yourself enough to break away from abuse and seek out real love? Whatever the cost..
Sex is part of the whole package..true that intimacy my fall at times but the spark that brought them together should help start a fire again…if not then they should go on separate ways…..
Here’s why for me going on 14 years.
Reason one: Cognative disorder kept me from keeping a job-but I wasn’t aware this was my problem until after I married and tried to escape and move on.
Reason two: The God Thing. (I wasn’t looking and he came along-so it must have been God, I feel deeply in love, but he sure wasn’t my type-so God must have picked him, otherwise-why did I fall for this type of guy?)