When To Pull Back In Love

December 10, 2009 at 5:00 pm

When you start a new relationship, you just want to spend every moment together savoring your new love. Yet, sometimes true love means you need to pull back. But when?

What are the signs? You notice that your partner has stopped responding with enthusiasm to the idea of yet another quiet dinner at home. Or they are starting to sound either terse or hunted or absent-minded when you want to talk about the relationship. Perhaps they’re spending more time at work, or maybe their evenings with friends are escalating when you think you two should be getting closer.

But the biggie, the fire alarm-level sign that you’ve gotten too clingy is when you are starting to lose track of your center, your life goals and your self confidence!

Finding Your Center
Instead of thinking of it as pulling back, try calling your first step “centering in yourself,” rather like you do with Tai Chi or martial arts. It’s not about shutting your partner out! When you’re centered, you’re actually more alert to everything going on around you, ready to respond in any direction, balanced and full of energy. When you’re centered, you are usually more interesting to your partner.

To help you feel more confident about pulling back a bit, ask yourself this: did your relationship start because your partner was interested in you, your conversation, your ideas, dreams, and sexiness? If you’re immersing yourself to the point of disappearing into them, you’re cheating them out of what they signed up to enjoy!

Dust Off Those Dreams
How many favorite activities or goals have you set aside so you can devote yourself to your partner, body and soul? One of the healthiest ways to get centered again, and to liven up your relationship, is to go back to some of your favorite activities. Whether it’s journaling or art museums or birdhouse-building, getting immersed in something (else) you love is healthy and exciting! Or pick up that manuscript you haven’t worked on in months and start a new chapter. Or start browsing for your dream job. Your interests and dreams are part of what make you fascinating.

Get Busy (But Not Too Busy!)
Don’t wait at home of your partner is out with friends; call some of those buddies you haven’t seen in months and go out for a movie, ice cream or beer. Go to the gym, go to church on Sunday, take a walk on the beach or a hike in the woods. You could take on a once-a-week volunteer job or join in with one of your favorite activist organizations.When you get home you’ll have something to talk about besides the usual.

Share the Excitement
When you and your partner talk in the evenings about what you’ve been doing, let them know that they’re welcome to join you in an outing if they’re interested, but do it so they don’t have to feel guilty for saying no! If you make that beach picnic sound fun, and they decide to tag along, the two of you will be able to relax and enjoy each other in a place that isn’t laden with memories of where-are-we-going-with-this-relationship discussions.

Meditate
You can use this visualization to help both you and your partner learn to share love as whole and complete individuals. It uses a sacred symbol called the vesica piscis, which is made up two slightly intersected circles.

Imagine that you’re standing in a column of bright light, white or a color which feels right to you, one which extends up to your Higher Self and down to the center of the Earth. Next, imagine your partner standing in their own column of light, from their Higher Self down to the core of the Earth.

Then imagine that you turn start walking toward each other. At the moment that your two columns of light intersect, pause to feel the huge charge of spiritual energy that immediately fills the almond-shaped spot where your circles intersect. That intersection is a place of pure possibility, a place of infinite creativity, the place where the two of you, each in your own sacred space, but linked, are directly hooked up with the Universe and able to jointly receive and share its blessings of well being.

The new you, revitalized by being fully engaged in your own life again, will be like a breath of fresh air for your relationship, and will add zing to your partnership, both in the bedroom and out!

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