5 Ways To Spot a Jerk

February 18, 2010 at 7:05 am

Jerks are cruel, crass, and contemptible people. They have only one person’s interests at heart and in mind — their own. Despite most peoples’ desire to stay away from them, they will always be an inevitable part of dating. The danger is that jerks often start out very charming. This can leave us blindsided to their worst qualities, while starting to fall for their best. Then, once the relationship is far enough along to make it more difficult to walk away, their true nature begins to rear its ugly head.

Jerks know their best audience, and so they tend to prey upon partners with the kindest hearts. This is because these generous people are usually the most accepting and forgiving of their faults. Here are five questions to ask yourself if you suspect you might be dating a jerk:

How do They Treat Others?
These folks often work from pre-drafted scripts, but what they can’t always control is how they treat the people around the person they are trying to impress. This may be seen as rudeness towards a waiter, or a condescending remark to an ice cream vendor. Another clue is how they treat their own family. Even if you have never met their family, if they speak negatively of them, this could be a warning sign of how they will treat you later on. Just because you aren’t the brunt of their wrath today doesn’t mean you won’t be tomorrow. In fact, it is inevitable you will one day be on the receiving end of this kind of behavior.

Are They Overly Critical?
One of the most common ways a jerk fails to cover their critical tendencies, is when talking about an ex. While their reasons may seem legit as to why they dislike these, as they say, “lazy,” “boring,” or “unkempt” folks, remember, you could be next in line. It is bad practice to bring up exes during a date, and even worse to talk about them negatively. Also, if after going out with someone for a period of time, you find yourself feeling depressed or disliking yourself, look very closely at how they make you feel. They may have already begun bringing you down. Negative gestures in the beginning can be subtle, so subtle in fact, you might not even recognize them until you’re already miserably in love.

Are They Unavailable for Group Outings?
A jerk may be able to pull the wool over one person’s eyes, but probably not their friends and family, too. For this reason, they will try to avoid group outings. Another sign of being in the clutches of a jerk is if you find yourself spending less time at these events. It may be subtle at first, such as ‘something that just came up’ that keeps you from going, but remember, the people who are important to you should also be important to your partner. To a jerk, their best position of control is when nobody else is around to challenge them, such as a concerned parent or friend. If the people around you are picking up warning signs, perhaps you should be as well.

Do They Have Unpredictable Mood Swings?
A jerk will inevitably lose their cool, which will be seen as a lack of emotional control or mood swings. Everybody has a bad day, but if you find their behavior particularly threatening, either physically or verbally, you are most certainly dealing with a jerk. A very dangerous one. And for those kind-hearted individuals who will see this as a challenge to help someone become a better person, may I remind you that these people rarely change. They are usually incredibly resistant to altering their core jerk qualities, and by choosing to become entangled with them, you are putting yourself into a dangerous situation. If they really want to change, point them towards a good counselor.

Are They Narcissistic?
A jerk has three best friends: ‘me, myself, and I.’ The narcissist doesn’t care about anyone unless that person has something they want. If you happen to be among one of these desires, you could find yourself lavished by much attention, adoration, and romance. That is until the first problems appear, destroying their fantasy of your perfection, altering their focus from wooing to one of demand and criticism. These people may say, “I love you” within the first couple dates, then change their mind just as quickly. They usually have a long string of failed relationships (none of which are their fault, of course).

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14 Responses to “5 Ways To Spot a Jerk”

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  1. renee October 28, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    Well said..


  2. Karma August 6, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Kudos..to Xivirab!!!is it possible we were married to the same J E R K!!! ??? “the only one thing was missing is that they need to flirt and even have sex with every single women they see to reinforce their ego. They need to feel the most knowledgable, the sexiest, the best… I didn’t realize it until I had been completely destroyed ,mistreated and betraided”.


  3. CrybabyKiller January 9, 2012 at 7:12 am

    I’ve been called a jerk.
    Whatever, I pull all the weight around here! Maybe if some of these lazy wives n girlfriends
    would get off the couch once in a while we might not be so “crass”…..there’s a billion different
    scenarios regarding why people act the way they do. I BELIEVE marriage is a one shot deal, but some people, well, u know. You married the fool, deal with it! You shoulda thought long and hard and lived with them for at least two years before sealing the deal!

    And then there’s kids in the mix…lil’ mop’s of the spilled bean juice.
    GOD BE WITH US!


  4. psy38 August 7, 2010 at 9:39 am

    I lived with a complete jerk for 16 years. He was glib, witty, charming, likeable and yet cruelly sarcastic in the extreme. He was a narcissistic egocentric personality but this did not reveal itself at the outset. Unfortunately for me I fell in love with the guy.. I dated him for about 6 months before becoming intimate. In that time he was so romantic, so sweet and I thought I’d struck gold. I thought here I’ve finally found someone that loves me like I’ve never had…. boy was I wrong. We had two years that was like a story book romance and then his dark side began to unfold. Sometimes it was like he was someone else. He was of the gemini sign, and truly he was as cruel as he had ever been kind.

    I tend to take care of people and have a bit of a mothering helpfulness which he took advantage of to the extreme. He did things to me that were unkind, and became verbally abusive – publicly putting me down and humiliating me in front of people. He thought it was funny and didn’t understand why I went to the bathroom crying. He even would crack jokes about me in front of my parents. He was tall, german and good-looking…. and generally used me for my money. Now I find it very hard to trust men and am suspicious of people because my heart was broken so badly.


  5. insevernapark June 25, 2010 at 8:32 am

    A “constant problem” jerk has not been mentioned here. I date one of those now and it’s always something happening that upsets him. Otherwise he is fun to be with. What do you do?


  6. zjaji June 25, 2010 at 3:05 am

    The WORST type of jerk and most destructive is the CONTROL FREAK!!


  7. Justine May 12, 2010 at 9:43 am

    Enn,

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with this difficult situation! Life does take us on a roller coaster ride but it all depends on how we choose to deal with it – feeling stuck is never enjoyable … but just know that you have a wealth of strength inside you waiting to be called out. We will hopefully be posting a “How to” post on “how to leave a jerk” … maybe some of our tips will help – keep an eye out for it :)

    Keep your head up…we’re all rooting for you!


  8. Enn May 12, 2010 at 4:03 am

    I am married to a jerk, and i find all the points in the article fit my life like a glove.
    i am married for 20 years, and find it difficult to live with him as also to leave the louse.
    But life is one roller coaster of hell. By the way did i mention, that the guy is a surgeon.


  9. charity May 11, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Not everyone who won’t be around family and friends is a “jerk.” There are horribly abusive and dysfunctional and jerky families and family members, too.


  10. xivirab May 11, 2010 at 9:46 am

    Thanks, it clarifies all I have being living with the one is near to be my ex, I couldn’t believe the similarities, the only one thing was missing is that they need to flirt and even have sex with every single women they see to reinforce their ego. They need to feel the most knoledgable, the sexiest, the best… I didn’t realize it until I had been completely destroyed ,mistreated and betraided.


  11. Deanna May 11, 2010 at 7:02 am

    That was a very enlightening read and most helpful as well. In the clutches of a jerk is wellput. It is frightening to have someone act one way and then turn 180 degrees to act in another manner. Point for point your description matches this fellow I dated, only breifly, but still think about. It is freaky how true to form is the idea of ‘I can help this person’ ‘I can bring about a more positive outcome’. Get while the gettings good. Their weirdness is difficult enough to handle, but add to this the projection of their traits on to you and the blame that goes along. That is too much to bear, adding insult to injury.
    It is difficult in your heart to seperate the person that emerges from the one at the start once you are taken with the fantasy of romance with this person. Even yet I want to reconcile or speak to this person on ‘the level’. However there are two different levels unfortunately.


  12. Happy EX May 11, 2010 at 6:44 am

    I was married to a narcassistic abusive ass and after almost 2 decades left!! Never to look back and question my decision!!!!


  13. Angel Costa May 11, 2010 at 5:10 am

    I know someone that fits to all the signs of Jerk … he uses, abuses, manipulates and lies to women that are weak. He has lied about him being married still is, and he uses women for his conveince, so that he may get money to do his drugs. Women beware of this man … he is very charming at the beginning then he drops his bomb like a ton of bricks. Beware!


  14. Symantha Simcox May 11, 2010 at 3:43 am

    I live with a jerk.
    Perhaps a future article could be “how to leave a jerk”… it should be easy, but it’s not, especially if you have children :(

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