It’s a little known fact that behind every smart woman lurks a commitment phobic man just waiting to pull her into the depths of a fruitless relationship. Think of it as an alcoholic that really wants to quit drinking… except that the commitment phobic man does not even know he has a drinking problem. And what is this guy addicted to? Himself.
Here are some surefire ways to spot a commitment-phobe:
1. The Chase. He loves the thrill of the chase, because in the beginning you weren’t really into him. But the minute you turn to face him and give him your love in return, he vanishes.
2. The Distant Servant. In the beginning, the commitment phobic man would do anything for you, including washing your car or bringing you breakfast in bed. All the while, he remained elusively distant and a bit mysterious.
3. The Cheater. This selfish guy hasn’t had a serious relationship lasting over two years, unless he was a very successful cheater. He usually has a back up or two waiting in the wings.
4. Flowers. This charmer loves the idea of romance and will gladly adorn you in your favorite tulips!
5. Love Notes. One of the commitment phobic man’s pastimes is writing little love notes. He does this because he thinks this is what a “good” man does.
6. Extracurricular Activities. This guy usually hides himself in addiction, computers, games, sports, work or other women.
7. The Fight. The commitment phobic man will generally blame you for all of the relationship woes. He loves a good fight because it gives him more reason to leave. And when the relationship is going great, he panics.
8. The Cold Shoulder. This lovebird suddenly, and without warning, becomes cold and distant. The love notes and flowers are a faint memory, and you want the guy you first met back (but remember: the guy you first met was actually a wolf, and not a sheep).
9. Sex Drive. Your once teenage-like sex life has suddenly dwindled into nothing. He no longer has any interest in the physical aspects of the relationship. This is because he knows he is leaving and cannot stomach the guilt of leading you on.
10. Strange Exit. The commitment-phobe leaves the relationship in various confusing ways. Sometimes he forces you to leave him, often he cries and tells you he is confused, or out of guilt he simply disappears like Houdini.
It’s hard to distinguish the wolf from the sheep. But keep in mind that actions always speak louder than words. And if you’ve ever fallen victim to this guy, remember that it is not personal, and his own issues of abandonment keep him from intimacy. He will do this to someone else, and you will know better than to fall into the trap again. And if you learn to love yourself fully and completely, your true knight in shining armor will sweep you off your feet, and the commitment phobic man will become a distant memory.
What are your tips for spotting a commitment-phobe?
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Fantastic blog! Great!
Great article. I have been in a long-term relationship with a commitment phobe, and have come to a decision to end it, since not only it is taking me nowhere, but I feel that every time things start going well for me, the guy starts resenting it and putting me down with subtly humiliating remarks. I got tired of being a “jack in the box” being seen only at my place, never being invited to his, or to spend some time out together.
There are very enjoyable aspects to the relationship – sex is great, and we can talk for hours on end. However, to me it feels like a thoroughly unfair arrangement – on his terms. He wants to be “in the now”, “enjoying the moment”. Well, when someone is talking this way, I am afraid that it only means that the woman is not “the one”, and that they are highly unlikely to ever want to commit to her (or perhaps anyone else).
These people have their own issues to deal with, and it is not for us to heal them. What we can do for ourselves is to learn to be emotionally independent, and develop a healthy level of love and self-respect for ourselves. It is a process which takes time, but it is so much worth it! Once we gain this independence, we can turn the tables on characters like this, and will be ready for an equal and loving relationship from someone worth our love.
Stay free and happy!
Galina
Ha! I’m currently married to this man. Poor me I know. Well, I guess that’s what I get for not listening to what my mom told me when I was going through my divorce. You reap what you sow ya know? It’s my own damn fault. I truly believe this man is my soul mate though. Soul mates are not always a good thing either. Not all the way good anyway. They are here to finish unfinished business no? Well, aparently he had to teach me that I shouldn’t count a man, shouldn’t ever become dependent on another individual for my livelihood and should always remain an independent self sufficient WOMAN/HUMAN BEING. STAND IN YOUR POWER in other words. He came to me in several dreams prior to our getting together and they were very pleasant dreams. I could feel his “pull” from his sakral chakra to my sakral chakra from across the room prior to our getting together. He is 19 years my senior and I never thought for a minute I’d have to worry about him stepping out on me. I was very thin, attractive, independent, and powerful when we first met and got together. Within a two year’s time he had broken me of all that. I became very physically ill because I supressed the truth about what he was doing with another woman(women) and it played out (the emotional/mental process) on my physical well-being. Soon I was so ill I seriously though I was dying from cancer and had been back and forth to the hospital and to so many medical specialists without finding anything very specific I had ran up a medical tab of over $12,000.00. I finally decided what the TRUTH about everything including my health issues were and began to research for answers. I picked up my research about the mistress and through phone records and public search engines that private investigators use and because in all that time I had a check book stolen from me (there are a lot of dynamics to my story) I found out that my husband had not only been telling this woman all about me but he had been conspiring with her to steal my identity. She had many aliases and kept company with individuals who had many aliases. I knew they were out doing things that were illegal I just didn’t know what then it dawned on me as I saw my first name several times in their “relative” list about my checkbook that came up missing. Then a phone number I searched that my husband had made a call to that came back with no last name but the first name was “Nick” which is the name he used to go by when he lived in another state and all his former friends used to call him by that name. All the phone numbers I was tracing from his cell phone were coming back with first names which corresponded with first names from the “relatives” list on the mistresses search criteria. I started to search the names from the phone record to cross reference all of them and then I did a search of my maiden name and BINGO!!! He has been using my info – better – they have been using my info to do what? Check fraud? Loan applications? Rent apartments? Cell phones? Utilities? What else??? I have not a f-ing clue but I do know this – I never gave permission for him to do any of this. He fits the profile of what you described in many of your articles. “The Tool,” this one, “The Liar…” He’s a sociopath!
Ivy, it’s true sometimes someone is scared–of course. If you saw those two people together you might tell them to slow down–but chances are they won’t–most of all, not the committment phobic one who is doing all the pursuing in the beginning.
It’s true what you say that if we stay in the now there *is*no future to fear.
But someone who does a hardsell to seduce and/or pursue another only to later run– has deeper issues and won’t do any sitting still in the “now” for long.
Chances are he or she won’t even come in to see you or another reader, and definitely not a therapist either.
But even if they do come in, they will soon find an excuse to stop.
It is true it is all about fear.
But we cannot “fix” someone who does’nt have the desire to be different in the first place.
These issues are very deep, and usually buried within shame from long ago
Therefore, as you know, with shame based issues, the person is only dimly aware most of the time that any of this is a problem.The most any person faced with the behavior of some of the above “signs” can od is slow down his/herself and be on the lookout for any other strange behavior and take care of his/her own needs.
I can add another Tip.
Sadly, when we are maried or living with someone even if we’re unhappy and finally do leave the perosn–almost always when someone pursues us then and stays with us awhile while we’re still in that other relationship–that person is committment phobic him or herself.
I *know* it’s not always always true.But I know that it is almost every time–because that’s why they “accept” it–even when it makes them unhappy, unconsciously, they don’t really want to be able to be that intimate with anyone.
Some people who meet someone who is married/committed and are kinda naiive, might truly be willing to give it a go and will continue given the chance.
But I’ve noted that they still have real issues with intimacy, big time.
Now, I don’t say that as judgment or criticism.
No one chooses to be that way, and we all got the families of origin we were born or adopted into the same way..And *my* intimacy issues are plenty to deal with for *me*!
But I *am* saying that we ought to keep our eyes open.
While slowing down won’t keep a real committment phobe with us for long, it does help *us* like Gina Rose was saying.
And if we and someone are not sure–at least we can take time to get to know one another before making a bigger committment and breaking one another’s hearts by rushing into marriage or living together, and perhaps being shocked at how much we didn’t know.
Emily, this is a great piece! This combined with Ivy’s very astute observation can be very powerful.
In other words, knowing that I can’t take responsibility for his stuff, on the one hand, but on the other hand, I can take responsibility for my part in the relationship, and I can set the emotional pace. I can make it more comfortable for myself–usually, if one is being unrealistically swept off one’s feet, one’s gut feeling will make that lack of realism known–and because I’m more comfortable, he can relax more.
Then if he disappears, I’m not so wrapped up and I can see that he just can’t show up anymore. Not only that, but if the pace was more comfortable for me all along, then I’ll have had a chance to see and to listen to my intuition and not have been caught off guard.
I wish you all a lovely day!
I dated this guy once – and I am still in love with him. How do I get over him? He was the best lover ever! He was very attentive, he was wonderful in every way. I was married, not happily married, but none the less, married when we started seeing each other. Then as my separation turned into reality, he started getting real distant, then he says “I don’t want to lose what we have, but I don’t want to hurt you either.” What the heck does that mean?!? He broke my heart and I am mad at him and I still want him. What’s with that? Great article tho – nice to know there are more than just one of them out there. I will be more careful in the future.
Many thanks for this article it is helping a bit. Just split up from my boyfriend of 7years (he would not commit) because I discovered that he has been seeing someone else for a year. She has recently left her husband and moved in with my boyfriend. She has even pushed herself into his office (he works for himself). I dont understand he would not commit to me but he suddenly has to someone else.
I dated a few guys like this…to the T! I don’t believe girls should wait around cause guys are scared. These guys live in fear, but that’s not the gal’s prob. Thanks for the article!
Thank you for the article. I disagree. Sorry:) Now, when you are all finished throwing your popcorn at me allow me to tell you why:) I see with my clients that sometimes when someone is backing up, they feel pressured and scared. Unsually the fear is coming from them. Sometimes if this person is going a mile a minute, you need to slow them down.Stay in the moment. Return to the body. Stay here. Try to stop looking forward. If I stay present,there is no such thing as a commitment-phobe. Right now is perfect. oxox
Namaste, Ivy x5198
I almost dated this type a few years ago. I am so thankful that I listened to my intuition, asked around and got the scope on him. I was lucky that he was from the same general area. I could have been fooled on an internet dating site.
Great adive and Warnings, Emily! ~ Coreen
Hi,
Excellent article, Emily…..
LOL!!!!!……My clients tell me that they regularly run into # 1 AND # 10 on the Internet dating sites, the type of person that comes on super strong and fast……then disappears in a the blink of an eye.
That’s why, especially when using Internet dating sites, it pays to take it SLOW , and really take your time in getting to know that person well.
Look forward to reading more articles written by Emily.
Blessed Be )O(
Gina Rose ext.9500