5 Signs He’s Not the One

October 5, 2010 at 5:00 am

It’s a tough realization, gals, when the man you thought was the One turns out to be a zero. I’ve been there, and completely understand how difficult it can be. As a former dating veteran, I want to give you the insight you need to move on if you’re with the guy who’s not the “One.”

The first question I’d ask was, “What constitutes a deal breaker?” That’s always going to be a personal preference, but some signs can’t be ignored. Aside from obvious things like abuse (be it emotional, mental, spiritual or physical) which is not acceptable now or ever, here are five signs that you need to get out of Dodge.

1. You can’t trust him. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, and without it, there is no relationship to be had. The concept of trust permeates every facet of any partnership with two people, most significantly in romantic ones.

Trust can cover many types of behavior, including doing what he says he’s going to do, keeping promises, showing up, and following through. These are all important actions in the dating dynamic. In a galaxy far away, I dated a guy who was always shifty and vague when we made plans. This made me not trust him, and as it later turned out, he was validating my fears with his infidelity. In a word… next!

2. He brings out the worst in you. Any man who seems to thrive on conflict or discord within your relationship is bad news. If he’s anything less than compassionate and supportive, chances are he’s not into the relationship for anything other than drama. The point of a romantic relationship is to love, support and nurture each other. (Contrary to what reality shows might tell you, they’re not about drama, hurt feelings, conspiracy plots, or psychologist bills.)

Life is too short to deny yourself the love and support you deserve.  Again, if this is happening, move on!

3. You have no shared interests outside the bedroom. Ah yes, the thrill of exploring the sexual landscape in a new relationship is exciting and fun, but it’s important to cultivate interests outside of sex.  If there are no shared interests, that could be telling. Without common interests and goals, the relationship will become one-dimensional (which leads to “stifling,” which leads to “it’s over”). If he’s only interested in the physical part of your relationship, you have to look at that closely. Chances are that you’re limiting your own range of experiences, and you can do so much better, girlfriend.

4. You have to make excuses for his behavior. If he’s saying or doing things that make you uncomfortable, he’s definitely telling you something about himself and his character. Different people have different ideals and comfort levels; one person’s “acceptable” can be another’s “unacceptable.” If your man is behaving in ways you find unacceptable and putting you in an uncomfy place, look at that. As Grandma Ellie used to say, “Actions tell the tale” – and, honey, they do.

What are his actions telling you?  If they’re anything less than supportive, ethical, fair and fabulous, move on!

5. He’s not available. Do you notice that personal ads never advertise: “Cold, unfeeling bastard seeking doormat girlfriend to annoy?”  They don’t, because everyone who says they’re out to find a relationship is out to have a relationship, right? Not necessarily, my fair sisters. Sometimes the unavailable come dressed up as available, reasonable, sane men and try to drive us insane with their inconsistencies. Don’t let it happen to you. Again, listen to the words he’s saying and cross reference with what he’s doing. Is he pining for you all day only to avoid your calls that evening? If the actions and words are out of whack, you have to take a good, honest look. Does he say he’s ready for a relationship only to do and say things that alienate you?

Be fearless! Know that if “he” isn’t the One, the Universe will provide. Trust and believe: you’re hearing this from a gal who’s been there. I know from my own experience that letting go of the game-playing boys-disguised-as-men freed my time, and I found the One. I wish you the same happiness and success!

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11 Responses to “5 Signs He’s Not the One”

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  1. Chardy February 22, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Wow, alextg!!

    Couldn’t agree with you more!! You said it PERFECTLY! Everything comes back to SELF!

    We create and attract into our lives, “who” we ‘are’!!

    Love it!

    Thanks for your clear articulation :)

    Chardy!


  2. Suzy Pulley January 16, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    I love how all the woman agree with this post, but some the men don’t! lol

    Perhaps because it is true, and some men are offended …but this shouldn’t be taken offensively if you (men) are kind, respectful and have honorable intentions towards others (partner, woman, opposite sex, etc.).

    May I suggest that an “individual” who previously commented here, analyze oneself and their motives rather than this article! (p.s. It is unrealistic to assume that every man or woman that comes into our life did so because we attracted them through our personal faults, problems or issues. If this is what
    “you” believe, then what “you” are suggesting is that every one of your past relationships failed because of “you” …your personal failures which attracted like-minded).

    This article is simply a personal experience, realization and knowledge shared with us to open our eyes to something or a “relationship” that is doing us harm (no good!) ….physically, mentally, emotionally! I appreciate this article, as I know it to be true as well through personal experience. It was merely a reminder to me, and I appreciate that …and the time and effort put forth to help others who may be experiencing similar unfortunate situations or ‘relationships.’

    This article basically shows us that when you are with someone you love and who loves you, you will do everything in your power as a human being to show that you care for one another ….NOT that you are using each other for whatever negative and selfish motive there is …and believe me …there are plenty! You know in your heart and in your desires what you deserve and how you should be treated according to what you have to offer them, so don’t expect less than what you desire and have to offer! If you can offer positive and great things in a relationship, THEN SO CAN HE …as long as it is in his heart and his desire as well! Affections and actions of goodness and love come easy to those we deeply care for.

    YES —-> Actions DO speak MUCH louder than words. =)


  3. Jessi Sitar October 7, 2010 at 3:39 am

    so true!


  4. tula October 6, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    Hi Liz,

    If I read your article about two years ago I would 100% agree with you I’ve been there myself.
    I think to much about them, about the ships, about if this or if that, but not enough about me.
    Up until I found me again of course with a lot of quiet time with myself.
    I truly understand where you coming from, but what Jai Khrisna Ponnappan said is the truth about love. Love is about giving… and forget about “taking” lol, most likely people that we gave don’t appreciate the gift… so, then that usually the ‘taking’ come to play, when we should just walk away and forgive them.
    Now I’m totally understand what love is about, Jai actually put it in a perfect way. Love come from within our self then everybody else will follow, and if no one did (lol) don’t be afraid; the perfect person to love you is you.
    So, if anyone looking for Love, fine our self first than any relationship feel easy and remember people comes and go in our lifes for a purpose and try make it as the best ship as you’ve been in it.
    Make quiet time for yourself and learned something from it. I have never been felt so loved until I found myself.

    p.s oh one more
    Alex, I see what you see
    I’m totaly with you.

    Best of luck to everyone,
    TULA


  5. triggertrigger October 6, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Good article and great responses. But I wonder why does this site often post “negative” articles. How about an article titled “5 Signs He’s The One”? :)


  6. webbigailaye October 6, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    I like the second one. He brings out the worst in you. Not only was I in something like this recently but I did not realize that someone could actually have the control to do so. Not only am I watching others characteristics, I should be checking mine. No one should have that type of pull to turn you into a monster.


  7. Barbara Kelly October 6, 2010 at 7:43 am

    WOW!!!!! THIS HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD…LADIES/MEN READ THIS ITS AWSOME WHILE WE BANG OUR HEADS AGAINST THE WALL TRYIN TO GET IT RIGHT HERE IT IS IN BLACK/WHITE……THANK YOU FOR BREAKING IT DONE..YOU COULD HAVE SAID IT BETTER.


  8. codydog October 6, 2010 at 6:50 am

    Hmmm… Great article! But… I have had the same issues with women and more!


  9. alextg October 6, 2010 at 5:10 am

    Hello Liz,

    It’s maybe the first article on this site I’m almost completely disagree with.

    Let me explain my point of view. I’m deeply convinced that relationships between two people is the thing for which both that people are responsible to the absolutely equal degree. So:

    “1. You can’t trust him.”
    Trust also exists BETWEEN two people. If something he’s doing “makes” you not trust him, than definitely something you’re doing “makes” him not trust you. Of course it’s our fears makes us not trust other people, and not the people themselves; of course we all have fears; but it’s extremely important to remember that we are completely responsible for our fears, and other people can only “trigger” them. So it’s much more constructive to accept our fears, to realize what triggers them and to deal with that (yes, this may include asking your mate not to do things that brings your fears to surface – but ASKING, not DEMANDING) than to blame other for “making” you not trust him/her.

    “2. He brings out the worst in you.”
    Again, it’s YOUR “worst”. Being a humans, we all have that “worst” in us – The Shadow. And again, it’s you and only you who are responsible for how you use that Shadow. Denying that part and blaming others for “bringing it out” has nothing in common with love – it’s a plain narcissism and nothing more.
    All people are unavoidably different, and no matter how close you are and how much you love each other, sometimes the conflict of interests will occure. If you can’t accept that and if you demand compassion and support from your partner even when it’s not in your parner’s interest – than I have bad news for you: it’s you who are egoist, not him. You are not a baby and you don’t need compassion and support on the 24/7 basis. And if you do… well, you ARE a baby and you’re looking for the “ideal parent” and not for the real man/woman to love.

    “3. You have no shared interests outside the bedroom.”
    True. But again, shared interests is not something that just occure by itself. You both have to develop these interests, and it’s as much your job as your partner’s.

    “4. You have to make excuses for his behavior.”
    If he’s saying or doing things that “make” you uncomfortable – then better think WHY it’s uncomfortable to you. In most cases we feel uncomfortable by other’s actions only because we don’t permit ourselves to do the same actions basing on our own ideas of what’s “right” and what’s “wrong”. But who gave you the right to judge? Are you pretending to be better than others? Are you pretending to be a God? Narcissism again.
    Be kinder and more open to yourself, and you’ll become kinder and more open to other peolpe.

    “5. He’s not available.”
    If you’ve find yourself a “cold, unfeeling bastard” than you already are a “doormat girlfriend to annoy”. Better think why you choose such man? How you support such his behavior? Presenting yourself as a “victim” is the best way to attract (and to be attracted to) the “tyrant”. All human qualities have two sides. Say, if you act as a “weak” woman and looking for a “strong” man, then you’ll have to deal with the both sides of his strength – not only with protection and support, but also with domination and pressing. It’s unavoidable. Of course, you can leave this affair and look for another one, but if you won’t change youself, your next affair will be essentially the same. But if you will, you can possibly (of course, it depends on you only by 50%) transform your current affair into something more acceptable.

    Love is not about comfort. Love is about letting people (and yourself) to be themselves – sometimes “good” and sometimes “bad”, sometimes “brave” and sometimes “cowardly”, sometimes supportive and sometimes craving for support, sometimes independent and sometimes ultra-dependent. Love sometimes can be painful, dramatic, scary and exhausting. Love doesn’t make you stronger, it’s just giving you countless chances to become stronger – but it’s your choice and nobody’s else. Love isn’t about finding The One – it’s about becoming The One yourself.

    So I agree with Jai Krishna Ponnappan.
    No one else is responsible for your happiness and your love – it’s your job.

    Best regards,
    Alex


  10. Jai Krishna Ponnappan October 5, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Hello Liz,
    A vast majority of people are looking for a relationship, marriage, date, affair…etc. They’re looking for matching personal preferences, comfort as in avoiding mental, emotional and spiritual risks. They are looking for something that comes easy with out physical stress and strain. They’re looking for someone to trust, someone who is compassionate and supportive of their pursuits, someone who shares professional, ideological, extra-curricular and financial interests among others. Someone who can be embraced and paraded for the sake of cultural, societal, moral, racial and behavioral acceptance. Mature and grown up as they claim themselves to be, the supposed real men and women, they’re looking for mature relationships with a lack of understanding, equipoise and tolerance for the grown up boys and girls of our dysfunctional society. They are looking for happiness through another. This is what they are looking for when they say they are looking for the one. They are not looking for LOVE!

    For them, they are pursuing this,
    “Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence”. Aristotle.
    In many ways and things they value like all those mentioned in your article

    They have heard Love can be a happy experience even eternal perhaps but they aren’t pursuing the spiritual truth and happiness that comes from such a thing as Love. They are distracted by the material fleeting pleasures of this world and dead to the eternity in Love’s simple promise.

    “But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” – Jesus of Nazareth, as recorded in Matthew 5:44

    To Love: It’s risky. It can be a uncomfortable, dramatic, painful, persecuting, psychologically and spiritually intimidating, absolutely selfless and unconditional. If it isn’t hard, trying and persecuting it isn’t real. And it works on more than just tax collectors, prostitutes, criminals, murders and the worst of sinners. It is Love, all life human and else. young and old, mature and immature, selfish and selfless, sinful and pious, ignorant and enlightened are all, always eternally entitled and deserving of it. If it is Love you dare to look for and if you wish to come undone from the entangling bonds onto its eternity, risk it even if it gets you crucified. For it’s ever triumphant and its victory and legacy is told in all of life’s abundance. A life without Love is lifeless, for there would be no Life without the many souls that are like the blessings, extensions and separable fragments of that one heavenly, eternal and supreme soul called Love. However much men may wish to per versify the idea of Love, it’s unconditional truth is above the chaos of vile confusions and fearful indecision. It is not a thing for the weak, fainthearted, insecure or fearful. Only the bravest of the brave who dare to walk it’s path can get to realize the higher enlightening and elevating spiritual truth that is Love’s eternal glory.

    We are all Love’s children. She can be compared to an extremely loving, tolerant, understanding and forgiving mother. Why upset her with our mundane distractions and material pursuits when we ought to give her a deserving thanks and celebrate Love’s blessings.

    My sincere apologies if I’ve come of as fighting the good fight on Love’s behalf. It is always honorable for the brave to shed their lives as a sacrifice in Love’s liberating glory. I’m sure Love has its countless Angels who wait in patience and tolerance before they silence these false perceptions ones and for all.

    Blessings and Unconditional Love to You All.
    May Love’s eternal water keep you ever young and youthful like children in your heart’s and souls. Stay a child, their spiritual maturity and innocence is eternal.

    - Jai Krishna Ponnappan

  11. Jacqueline
    Jacqueline October 5, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Wow Liz,
    Fabulous article, such great rules to follow, this should be printed and posted and on the fridge as the laws of dating.

    Great Job,
    Blessings and Big Hugs!
    Jacqueline x9472

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