Sehar Afzal in Bangor asks:
I met a man a year ago, and the connection was unmistakable. Since then we have become friends. There has been a lot of flirting and bantering, but he has been very inconsistent, almost to the point of rudeness. I have feelings for him, and I know that he does, too. However, about a month ago I let him know that his behavior hurts me. When he blew that off, I backed away. I let him know that I think he is a wonderful man, but I don’t like the way he treats me, and to not contact me. The problem is, I do love him. My gut feeling is that we can learn a lot from each other, and help each other with really big goals. Please help me understand what’s going on, and what I can expect in the future.
The connection that you share with this man is a mix of this-life compatibility and past-life unfinished business. This combination makes for a powerful, and complicated, dynamic.
There is some karma, or past life issues, that you two need to clean up. Even though the two of you have known and loved one another in previous lifetimes, there is a repeat theme of you not being able to be with him, sending him away, or forsaking your love in some manner. While that history is circumstantial (many times, you really didn’t have a choice), it has a very real impact on your relationship in this life.
Your friend hasn’t necessarily had the easiest time with his deeper connections and relationships in this life, and he has a hard time dealing with his own fears and emotional attachments. Even though he feels very connected to you, his need to maintain control and protect himself overrides his desire to surrender to his deeper feelings.
You took initiative and an emotional risk by sharing how you feel about him, which is good. However, when you were expressing how his inconsistent behavior and communication failures were less than acceptable to you, he really didn’t know how to deal with it – so he simply chose not to. Your telling him not to contact you hurt him, and brought some fresh trust issues to the surface.
At the moment, your friend doesn’t want to deal with his fears or feelings. While I don’t mean this in an insulting or negative manner, he simply wants things to be safe and easy. When you try to progress this relationship and deepen the bond, his reactions are defensive. He doesn’t consciously try to sabotage this relationship, but his fear-based inactions and reactions are counterproductive to healing the “hurts” that exist between the two of you.
When the two of you find your way back to one another this winter, the joy of reconnecting in friendship will be rewarding. However, the romantic aspects of this relationship will continue to be a secondary consideration for several months. In order for this relationship to grow, you must accept that you currently want more than he is willing to give.
If you are willing to focus solely on the friendship aspect of this relationship, a karmic debt will be paid. While this will be painful for you, your sacrifice will bring in a new level of balance to this relationship. It is only from that point of balance that this man will find the strength to deal with some of his fears and issues, and find trust in love once again.
There is great potential for the two of you to create a solid, long-term relationship, but things aren’t going to come together fast or easy. “Sacrifice” seems to be a theme with the two of you, because you will repeatedly test each other’s willingness to first give the things that you are hoping to receive.