Leave Them Even Though You’re Still in Love

January 23, 2011 at 5:00 am

Years ago, I received a phone call late at night from a friend who asked if I could pick her up from a gas station in Hollywood. She was stranded there, after her boyfriend had hit her and kicked her out of the car. What followed were another three years of abuse in which he broke her nose twice, ruined her credit, threatened to kill her, and got her arrested. Each time I tried to interfere, she would tell me “but I love him.” It was heartbreaking for me, because I, too, had used the same reason to stay in relationships with guys who were clearly no good for me or downright abusive. After all, I am my mother’s daughter, and she taught me that it was ok to be abused, neglected, cheated on and broken by someone who “loves” you. We all know that cycles have a way of repeating themselves.

I remember spending year after year, or month after month with narcissistic, sociopathic, selfish, dishonest and cold-hearted guys, because I wanted to “love the bad out of them.” I had learned as a child that I was worthless; that no one would ever stand up for me or protect me, so I decided to do for others what no one had done for me! In my opinion, everyone was a good person deep down inside, and I was the one who would  bring it out of them. Time and time again, I fell in love with “potential” and the illusion of what could be, versus the reality of what actually was and would be!

I have an amazing imagination, and I was so desperate for someone, anyone, to pay any attention to me or love me, that my heart was up for grabs – and not for the highest bidder, but any bidder! All one had to do was show up. I wouldn’t even censor. I firmly believed that everyone is a good person, and that some just hid their “goodness” from the world because they had been hurt so much/endured bad things; some, apparently, have to hide it really, really deep down inside! So no matter what heartless stunt was pulled, I generally still stuck around. I would focus on “the good sides” and imagine whatever I wanted, which was much easier than facing the bleak reality of how unloved I truly felt. I thought that if I could prove my love, loyalty and devotion enough, he’d sooner or later stop being the jerk that he was. It never even occurred to me that I had absolutely no power over another person’s actions or choices! It never occurred to me that some people will never learn, have no desire to change, and are truly selfish or simply dishonest. In my mind, it was always my fault that another was behaving the way they did; which meant that I had control over it!

I can highly recommend two tools that worked to rewire my “hard-drive”; cognitive behavioral therapy and hypnotherapy. Neither one necessarily requires that you have to lay down on the couch of a therapist and talk about your “sad stories.” Instead, even if you’re not willing to dig into the deepest, darkest secrets of your past, a good therapist will still be able to help you to disconnect the old, self-destructive behavioral patterns and teach you new and healthy ones.

When one is in this situation, it seems impossible to survive without him. It seems that you will never, ever be able to “love” someone the way you love him, or be as attracted to someone the way you are attracted to him. However, with the right tools you can learn to love, honor and respect yourself enough to recognize what true love is, versus an unhealthy obsession and addiction. Loving yourself will be the best thing you’ll ever learn, and the most important one in choosing that which truly makes you happy all the time, not only in the five minutes he chose to be nice to you, before he disappears, cheats, leaves or is mean to you again.

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7 Responses to “Leave Them Even Though You’re Still in Love”

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  1. mystrylady January 25, 2011 at 4:22 am

    Beautifully Written!…I always enjoy your articles,They really touch matters of the heart!


  2. Haslina Bakar January 25, 2011 at 4:21 am

    I’ve been in abusive relationship; emotionally. Like the last paragraph said, he would be nice but after a few minutes he became nasty towards me. I had enough, until i made a decision i have to stand up for myself and will never let myself getting bullied again or else he keeps on making me feel down. So, the best thing i ever done is, i make myself busy with work, ignored him and live the life i want it to be. I keep reminding myself that i only lives once, so i have to make the most of it, rather than sitting down, crying, heart in pain and burried in sorrow. Now i am ready to fall in love again and hope to have a healthy and happy relationship alll over again. Life is to live forward, not backwards. God Bless!!! :)


  3. graz January 25, 2011 at 3:22 am

    hello Carmen
    Thank you for this wanderfull article and your opinion. You are ablolutely right
    I was for 20 years married to abusive men. I used to make all the possible sxcuses, that he will change , he will se my love, nad hewill become better person. Finally I left. Ihave been divorced for 2 years, I am alone and lonely, but much more happier! I enjoy my life again, I am again caring, loving, optimistic person. I am free. I have financial problems, my husband used to earn good moeny. But I will manage ,I have survived, Girls , please do not stay in an abusive relationship even one minute, leave, become yourself again, you have the l whole ife in fornt you , you have so much love to give somebody who deserve it . Do not waste your time, do not waste your life!


  4. kallista January 25, 2011 at 1:28 am

    Thank you for an excellent article, Carmen. I love to refer clients to great articles like this one, for this is the very thing that can help support folks who most need it.

    Blessings to you,

    Kallista, ext. 9623

  5. Carmen Hexe
    Carmen Hexe January 24, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    It’s a hard thing to do. Letting go of someone you “love” is extremely difficult, no matter how much that person may hurt you. I think most people are too afraid of being alone and too attached to the outcome of “I can make it work.”

  6. Gina Rose ext.9500
    Gina Rose ext.9500 January 24, 2011 at 8:22 am

    Another excellent article…..

    All so true…..abuse comes in many forms, mental, emotional and physical. I read for victims of domestic violence and deal with these issues all too frequently.

    You have to love yourself first. You have to find the courage to put aside your fear of being alone, and make the changes you, and only YOU, can make to creating a better life for yourself.

    You cannot change another person’s dysfunctional behavior pattern by ” loving the bad out of them “.
    In fact, that is the best way to become an enabler and actually reinforce their bad behavior. You are actually rewarding their bad behavior.

    I hope many read this article and start down the path of looking, REALLY looking, deep within.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

  7. misskrystal
    misskrystal January 24, 2011 at 8:03 am

    Cycles can repeat themself, yes, but a reader can help the person, who feels disadvantaged, tackle these cycles in a new way, and, that can change the entire situation. Actually, it’s never too late to take your power back. But once you are ready to do that, be open to change-because no matter what, if you change, the situation will change, too….Thanks, Carmen. Great article. Miss Krystal

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