Everyone has secret desires.
For many, these desires are kept secret – often to the detriment of personal fulfillment, or even to the detriment of one’s intimate relationships.
The idea of sharing your desires with your lover may provoke some fear, or even shame. But without revealing these desires, you can be sure of only one thing; that this desire, in remaining secret, is almost certain to also remain unexplored.
Revealing your secret desires to your lover may lead many places. Given the proper setting, and sensitivity, revealing your fantasies to your lover will raise the temperature, quicken the pulse, and set the chemistry sparkling.
Some of your fantasies may be ones that you don’t even really want to act on. Others may be things you want to actively explore.
But just because you share a fantasy with your lover doesn’t mean that you need to rush headlong into hands-on exploration. Give yourself, and your lover, time and space to create a safe relationship with your AND his or her fantasies.
Some ways to initiate the sharing of fantasies with your lover:
1. Talking dirty. In the throes of passion, you may feel vulnerable AND safe enough to say exactly what turns you on. Sometimes the words just come out, without any pre-planning.
2. Sometime the words don’t come that easily. In this case, a great way to initiate a discussion of fantasy and desire is to ask your lover to share her or his fantasies with you. You never know, they may fit perfectly with yours! And, this offers a doorway for you to offer your fantasies up as well.
3. Play a game! Like truth or dare. Only, leave the dare part out. For now, anyway! Create a fun container for exploration of sexual honesty by creating a playful framework for it.
4. If your fantasy or desire is of the sort that takes some serious consideration — like, you may want to explore this one for real, or conversely, it’s something you’re not sure how you’ll feel about once its out of your mouth — you may want to plan a time to have a talk outside of sensual or sexual space. You can say, “I have something I’d like to talk to you about, but it feels sensitive to me. Can we make a plan to do that?”
This approach may feel more weighty at the outset, but it will ideally allow you the space to explore your thoughts and feelings without the fear of creating an uncomfortable sexual interaction. You can also create agreements such as, “I’d like to just talk and have you just listen, and then we can trade,” or whatever guidelines make you feel safe in revealing your deepest fantasies.
Whatever the guidelines you and your lover agree upon, when you share your secret fantasies in a safe, fun, playful and/or flirty way, everyone stands to win.
Lasara Firefox Allen is an author, educator, activist, and coach. Lasara’s first book, the bestselling Sexy Witch (Llewellyn Worldwide), was published in 2005 under the name LaSara FireFox.