6 Things To Do If You’re In Love With a Narcissist

July 5, 2011 at 5:00 am


The charming narcissist can devastate just as quickly as he impresses. If you’re involved, or in love with one, there are a few things you should consider.

Are You in Love With a Narcissist?

When most of us hear the word “narcissist,” we think of someone who spends too much time primping in front of a mirror. While we can all be self-centered from time to time, pathological narcissism is different. The people I talk to who have been involved with pathological narcissists find themselves devastated, trying to put their lives back together as if they had just survived a stroke. The pain and humiliation are indescribable.

Psychologists don’t always know why people exhibit narcissistic behavior, but the fact remains: pathological narcissists have no empathy for the people they harm, and often, whether they are conscious of it or not, systematically destroy the ones they are with. Have you been, or are you currently, in love with a narcissist?

Deborah is engaged to Adam after a three-month whirlwind courtship. She’s never felt so much attention from a man, although she has noticed that sometimes Adam can be cruel in his judgments—urging her to lose weight and dress differently. She ignores her misgivings, and decides he is critical because he wants her to be the best she can be.

Several weeks into planning the wedding, Adam leaves her a message that he’s been having second thoughts and needs some time to think. He stops taking her calls and she never hears from him again. Deborah accepts the fact that her relationship with Adam is over even though she never finds out why. One day a close friend, Becky, informs her that Adam called her recently and asked her out on a date.

You might be saying, “Who could do that to someone?” A pathological narcissist. It’s hard to imagine someone who doesn’t share our value system when it comes to hurting others, yet most of us know a Deborah, or have been in her shoes at some time ourselves. If you think you are involved with a narcissist, here are some things to consider.

1. Ask yourself: Is my life falling apart?

If you find that you are suddenly listless where once you were vibrant; doubting yourself when you were confident before you met him—something is wrong. Does he constantly tell you to change, but when you give him feedback, he explodes? When he doesn’t call you after a fight are you unable to function as if you were withdrawing from a powerful drug?

2. Count the red flags.

The best defense against a narcissist is trusting how you feel. Your mind may say, “He didn’t really mean to hurt me…” but do you still feel constantly attacked? Remember: narcissists engage in a cycle of abuse that is called a “traumatic bond,” like someone pushing you off a cliff, and then rushing down to the bottom with a first-aid kit. You’re grateful for the help until you remember who pushed you off in the first place. A narcissist will gradually break down your self-esteem with criticism, in order to control you and make you emotionally dependent. Keep track of how many times you make excuses for him.

3. Communicate with people you trust.

If something bothers you about the relationship, tell someone else. Talk to close friends who will give you the truth. If you find you’ve stopped telling your friends about his behavior, ask yourself why.

4. Get help if you need it.

Realize you may be in emotional, spiritual and—in some cases—physical danger. When you understand you’ll never change her, you begin the process of leaving. The relationship a narcissist creates with her partner is extremely seductive and powerful, one you may not be able to break without professional help.

5. Stop all contact.

It may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life, but if you really want to move on, you have to cut off ALL communication. A narcissist brings you back into the relationship by getting inside your head and manipulating you. Don’t let him know what you’re thinking. When he comes back to say he’s sorry (and he will), stand your ground and do not engage.

6. Forgive Yourself.

Even people who’ve read all the books can still be taken in by a narcissist. Take all the love you were giving him, and pour it into yourself. Go for long walks, make healthy meals, and surround yourself with friends and family. Depending on how long the relationship lasted, getting over a narcissist can take time, but you will get through it.

No need to plan. Talk to a psychic now!

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32 Responses to “6 Things To Do If You’re In Love With a Narcissist”

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  1. headspinningyet? July 18, 2014 at 6:14 pm

    Indigo, I’ve been where you are several times. At least your Narc had the nerve to tell you he was going out with another woman. Not that it makes it any better, it sure doesn’t and hurts like hell. Most Narcs deny deny and lie. I’m currently in phase 2 when they discard you, been doing this for 4 years with this ass! Remember what you are feeling right now, cause it will happen again! Now you have some knowledge about Narcs, use it to move on. As Dr. Phil says: if you want to know the future, just look at the past. They are hard to walk away from. You and I both deserve better. There are decent men out there. For my next relationship it will be a dam long time before I get intimate with a man, he must pass a few tests! like basic decency, concern for others etc.
    dont walk, run


  2. Indigo July 11, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    I cannot say how helpful all of your comments have been. I’m right in it, right now, tonight my N has basically told me that he is seeing another woman this evening, someone he has recently slept with her, but feels that their relationship will only end up a business furtherment one. And would I like to spend the day with him tomorrow? I told him enough was enough (as it’s not the first time) and that I was out of any triangle, and came home. I’ve heard nothing. Now I’m scared, because on three occasions in our 4 year relationship he has been violent towards me, everytime just after I’ve exposed him and had the strength to walk away.

    I try to be adult and straight, if he wants out just say, but he won’t, so I have said it for him. And everytime I’ve done this violence happens. Have locked my doors and windows but am so so scared that I won’t keep hold of this strength for long enough, I’ve been abandoned by all my friends as they can’t believe someone as strong and forthright as me could possibly be so weak when it comes to this man.

    I’ve no idea how to deal with any of this


  3. Jackie March 30, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    Unbelievable what this man,Kim R., did to me and disgustingly…. his low class ex stepdaughter. He is an alcoholic as well as a narcissist of the worst kind. But I finally stopped the abuse by calling police and getting restraining order. The sick sob and his sick stepdaughter can continue their warped facade minus me in the twisted love triangle.


  4. Peter October 9, 2013 at 7:41 am

    I was involved with a man who was very likely a pathological narcissist. Met him in the summer of 2009. Very charming, handsome, articulate. At first it seemed like a dream come true- but as in any relationship with a Narc, it in fact was too good to be true.

    They say Narcs are very smart- and he was- but the intelligence was not ‘global’ but narrowly restricted in the art of control, manipulation, emotional abuse, etc.

    We broke up after a 1.5 year ‘relationship’. The lack of empathy, conscience, arrogance, superiority complex and bordering on sheer evil. Just avoid these people. It was a great learning experience- and it made me examine myself in a new light. After 2 years of therapy and educating myself I am now very careful in forging new personal relationships Narcissists are very clever people, and can outsmart 9at first) those with advanced degrees and high intelligence..


  5. EGosquasher August 16, 2013 at 9:05 pm

    I too was very hurt and still am by my ex narcissist man. He is the one who is wrong not I, I am strong and I called him on everything always including the fact that I was just as smart and just as special as he and that he was very lucky to have my love. I am not going to let that self sufficient beast get the best of me. I am a wonderful humble giving and loving person who deserves to be loved back just the same as I love. I am not going out like that and I am proud of myself for never backing down and always rising to show him when he thought I wasnt clever that I was when I needed to be. I have been loved and cared for all of my life and my parents have been married for over 50 years and my brother and I are great friends we never saw anything but positive and healthy happy love so poo poo on that narc!


  6. sunshine May 25, 2013 at 6:05 am

    I was in a 3+ year relationship with a N (maybe I still am). I was told by 2 different psychiatrists that my ex is a N. They not only heard my stories, but had also met my ex in counseling, as I was trying to recover from some very serious lies he told me.
    Just like everyone else, it was all perfect in the beginning. So perfect, I really couldn’t believe it. After 9 months, he suggested we live together, and moved all his belongings and himself into my home. Just 6 months later, after I had made some points regarding his selfishness with activities, and his lack of including me in them, he moved out. He did not tell me his plan…I came home to an empty house. In my devastation to discover the “why, and what did I do”, he made up some story, and apologized and begged to come back. Thinking he had realized his wrong-doing, I let him move back in. He, of course, promised to never do that again. Then about 1 year later, I again confronted him about leaving me out of an important event (he was presenting his dissertation, and had invited his brother, but not me). I happened to be going away with my son to camp, and when we returned, the house was again emptied. At this point, he was away for 4 months, until the next big round 3 of fool me again. This time, it was a ton of apologies and regrets, and he was serious about this, and ring shopped and had me try on a ring, and house hunting started, and on and on. This was in September ’12. By December ’12, after my birthday had passed and Xmas had passed, I asked him if there was a problem, and he reassured me that the timeline had been delayed a bit b/c he was unable to find a job locally (he had a PhD in biochemistry). So, I waited and waited and in Valentines day, I received a delivery of roses at work, professing his love. That same day, he told me he was being flown to Idaho for a job interview, but not to worry b/c this could open opportunities locally, as he would now be potentially wanted by multiple persons. Well, after the interview, and 1 week later, he accepted the Idaho job. He knew as a single mom, I could not just relocate. So, I told him this was a deal breaker. He asked me if it would be more palatable if he proposed before leaving, and he could try to come back to th east coast eventually. I of course said yes, and he bamboozled me out of $9000.00 to get started on our life plans. Then, the next day, I asked all sorts of timeline questions, “whencan I start planning our wedding?, when can I meet your parents (they have no idea I exist)?, how long will you be in Idaho?….and all the answers were “I don’t know.” So, I said this was a trap and I wanted to live my life, not dream it. Well, of course I ruined everything with my fears and insecurities, and the proposal was off the table. He called his buddy that morning and the move was complete before my son came home from school. Now he has been residing in Idaho for 2 months. Yes, I stupidly visited 1 month ago. After telling him I did not see myself fitting into his life anymore, we stopped talking for a few days, then he told me his feelings for me were still strong and that we could make this work. I have been out on dates, and hate the whole scene. I talk to my N everyday. I feel so alone when we don not speak. He has not repaid my 9 grand. Also, I did not mention he is still married, with an international divorce with a woman in Germany. He has 2 boys there. I don’t know what to believe and what not to. I do know I wish I was over him already, b/c he drains me. Why cant I let go?


  7. lulu March 19, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    A great article by a nonpsychologist. You are spot on! You are obviously wise with great intuition.


  8. gloria shammas March 12, 2013 at 10:01 am

    After reading all these stories I can truly relate. I had a relationship with a narcissist & I was made to feel that whatever happened it was my fault. Whatever I did it was never enough, and never appreciated. It it now over. I finally came to my senses and ended this destructive relationship. A narcissist has a way of always turning things around to make you feel bad and they never take responsibility for their actions. If you see any of these signs in someone you are involved with my advice is run as fast as you can and never look back. They will destroy your life and it’s a long hard journey to make a come back.


  9. StillInLoveWithN January 5, 2013 at 6:53 am

    Great article. I was with an N for 2 years.. He was my everything and he took advantage of that. Nothing I did was ever enough to make him happy. I changed my clothes, moved to his part of town, gave away my cat and dog, supported him through a nasty custody battle with his ex, stopped being friends with most of my friends, and the list goes on. He would keep saying that I didn’t put him as a priority And I kept trying to fill that bottomless pit. He kept saying our lives were going to get better in a week, then a month the two months, etc. I ffinally realized that things were not going to get better with him. I had to get away from him to get my life back.

    It is very hard to leave an N. They have a hold like no other. You have to make a plan and follow through. Find a new apt/house and sign a one year lease. Pay two months rent ahead if you can so that you are forcing yourself to stay away. Then join a online dating service like Match. Talk to guys, see how they would treat you on a date. Start to gain that confidence back by hearing it from others. Pick up a hobby, you probably didn’t have time to work out when you were with the N. join a gym, get a trainer to jump start you for a few days. Go out on dates and be with your friends and family that the N didn’t let you associate with. Remind yourself every day why you left him. Write down the top 10 things and read them every day if you have to.

    It is tough but once you break free you do feel free And you can get your life back. The challenge is stopping loving the N. haven’t figured that one out yet but hoping it will come eventually.


  10. Psychic Daphne November 14, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Dear friend Cameron,
    Eloquently and wisely spoken! Excellent job!
    Blessings and Hugs :)


  11. DevastatedHusband November 7, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    I began dating my ex-wife in the Spring of 2010. It was a long distance relationship at first (2.5hrs), though we were madly in love and had wonderful times together on the weekends. In the fall of 2010, I finally was able to meet her son, whom which I was not able to meet before because she claimed she wanted to make sure we were going to “make it” and thus he would not have to meet a man who would not be around for a short period of time. I really respected that, and once I did meet her son (7yrs old at the time), I loved him! Though at that point, the long distance was even harder on all of us, and it was time to figure out how we could be all together all the time and not just on the weekends. By the time winter came around, I was able to work out a remote working plan from my work where I could be with her/her son all the time, then going back to my house 2.5 hrs away once a month or so to check up on the place.

    I’ll take a moment here to say that I have a really good job (well paid, can work remotely) while she either did not have a job, could not hold one down for more than a few months, or was only able to obtain low paying administrative jobs. That being said, I was the one paying for most things, but did not mind because that is my ‘old fashion’ nature along with the fact that she just couldn’t afford to…

    Fast forward to Spring ’11 – I began to notice that some of my friends would act strange around her after first meeting her, or when we would go back to where my house was located for a weekend away. Strange in the sense that there was something just not right about my ex. I brushed it off and our happy-go-lucky nature of our relationship continued and everyone seemed happy. I decided in March ’11 that I was going to ask her to marry and was hoping that the wedding would be soon after as I was very much ready to spend the rest of my life with her and her son…I was so very much happy at this point.

    We had a very small wedding (court house) in June ’11…her son was my best man, and it was just the three of us! It was beautiful in my mind – we both didn’t want a huge wedding, we both wanted it just us, and we both wanted to celebrate afterwards by bowling the rest of the day, which we did. We laughed, talked about how exciting it will be going forward, etc. Within the next 3 weeks, I moved a few things to her apartment, and I was finally moved in with them and not just being there during the week/weekends, etc. So essentially we did this the traditional way, dated, engaged, married, then moved in together. All was still very happy up to this point.

    This is where things started to go very bad. About a week after I moved in, she said there are a few things she needed to tell me. If I would have known these things, I would have sworn this was not the same person I feel in love with and would have for sure questioned the whole marriage thing:
    1. She told me that she was ‘technically’ still married the first 6 months of our dating
    2. She told me that the last year of her previous marriage that her and her ex were dating other people and that some of the boyfriends she had got to the point of pretty serious.
    3. She told me that she was also seeing someone else for a short period of time when we first started dating
    4. She told me that during her previous marriage, that her/her ex were swingers and frequented swinging parties quite often.
    5. She told me that one of the common activities she engaged in while at these swinging parties was for her husband to watch her have sex with multiple people at once.
    6. She claimed that the reason why she moved back to the midwest (from west coast) was because she filed for divorce on her ex husband and they both agreed to be closer to his parents for their son’s benefit.

    Now, obviously this was a shock to me and was somewhat devastating to the original picture I had painted of my new wife who I thought was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I understand that people have things in their past and that we are not all perfect, but this was just too much, plus the fact that she waited until we were married to tell me things this extreme!

    Fast forward again to Fall ’11…things where still ok, but some things where starting to not add up. In addition, I had decided to leave my job due to some internal issues, however was on a contract where if I left, I was subjected to a non-compete clause in the contract, thus was not able to work in my industry/field for a 8-month time period. This was somewhat financially burdensome but I was able to make ends meet and was not too concerned about insurance as my ex was able to gain employment with pretty good benefits. And there were some very positive things that came out as well – I was able to spend more time with her son (who by now was calling me daddy), was able to cook more, and do more things around the house.

    However, also during this time (Fall ’11), I was beginning to hear some very disturbing things about my ex from my friends, which explained some of the strange feelings I read/felt from them in the beginning while we were first dating. Such things as: She would tell my good friends (women) how much sex we would have, how good we were, graphic descriptions about my anatomy, and the fact that she was a natural 32DD but had a boob job to go to a G-cup. Now grant it, women talk, but these were total strangers to her, but close friends of mine and did not want to her these kind of things from her. She persisted on talking about this stuff all the time whenever we would go back down to where I had lived. She also nearly molested one of my very good friends in a bar bathroom one night (a girl, 12 yrs younger than my ex – early 20s), making this poor girl feel her boobs and tried to kiss her. I then find out that my ex had also tried to pick up some of my friends’ boyfriends during the early phases of dating, and then a total stranger on NYE ’10. At first I was very mad at my friends for not telling me this stuff, but then again, when you see someone very happy, how do you tell them that your girlfriend/fiancee/wife is acting like a whore and that there are things just not right about her.

    I will also state that while this time that I was not working, I did spend a little more time at the bar and drinking more that I usually did, but not to an extreme level. I look back now and see this was due to dealing with all this stuff that I was hearing about her, and afraid to bring it up to her thinking she would totally deny it and even leave me. I was dealing with the fact that I wasn’t working (self-esteem) and that our lovey-dovey mode was near non-existent but didn’t know why. We still had sex all the time, but it was this wam-bam nature and not the love and ‘take time’ with it that we had before…that mixed with all these slutty stories I was hearing about her and her past was really weighing heavy on me. She was also beginning to show an evil side by telling her son it was ok to act very rudely to kids his age. She was also overly trying to be the center of attention everywhere, by drawing notice to her talking, her physical attributes, etc.

    In the Spring of ’12, I was beginning to suffer from chronic back injuries and a few other things. While I thought that being married (as opposed to single) would help get through these things, it was the total opposite. During one weekend in March, I went back to check on my house. After a couple days there, I kept on trying to call my ex, but always got voicemail. After 2 days, I became very worried and started to call others to see if they could check on her, then finally resorted to calling the police to perform a well-being check on her. I got a call back from the police department saying “she doesn’t want to hear from you anymore”!!! This was a total shock! We where having some communication problems, but to result in this!!??? I immediately drove back up to the apartment only to find that the locks where changed and her car was gone. For some reason, my key finally worked and I was able to gain entry into our apartment, where I found my stuff in boxes and all of the pictures of us had been taken down. She was not there, so I waited 3 hours for her to come home, only to notice that she had not been home all night – she had on her “going out” clothes when she arrive. And the look on her face when she saw me in the apartment was horrible. I asked her what was going on, why is my stuff in boxes, where had she been all night, etc. Her only response was “I don’t want this anymore”. At this point my heart was completely shattered and I was completely confused and really needed some form of explanation at this point. The only thing I got was “you need to leave and I’ll call you on your way back down to your house”.

    At this point, my back was in total pain. So much pain that I drove directly to the emergency room after leaving the apartment. They did xrays and found that I had one shattered disk and 2 herniated disks and was rushed immediately into surgery. This was back down (2.5hrs away) where I had my house, so I had no one (family) to help, just my friends. The hospital tried to contact my ex but she did not want to talk to them, so through my friends, the hospital was able to contact my immediate family who lived 7hrs away. They immediately came into town and was by my side after I came out of surgery. I was in intensive care for 10 days, so was very groggy and confused, but not nearly as confused as my family to the reason why my wife was not there with me and they could not get a hold of her. She did not even call (not to mention be there) before or after my surgery. After 15 days in the hospital, I took a turn for the worse and was re-admitted into ICU and was sent for emergency surgery (the 2nd). This surgery took almost 9 hours and I was in serious condition. My poor mother continuously called my ex-wife trying to tell her that I was in very bad shape, needed to know insurance information, and that the doctors where worried about me in both a life/death sense but also if after recovery, would I be able to walk again. Not once did my ex-wife call until the 3rd week I was in the hospital, and this was only to say that she wanted a divorce, no “how are you doing, are you in pain”,, nothing!!!

    Now luckily one of that calls that I did make while in the hospital was to a lawyer for some advice, simply because I didn’t know what was going on and I was afraid of the worst and what would happen to my assets. Mind you the marriage at this point was only 10 months old and all my assets where pre-marriage, however I had to start dealing with this horrible reality that was in front of me. I was in the hospital, with no communication with my wife who I had concerns with her behavior. He suggested that i go a head and file on her, but not have her served until I was able to gauge what was going on as well as out of the hospital. I remained in the hospital for 2 more weeks (5 weeks total), and was released only to finally get a call from my ex stating that she filed for divorce and wanted to know where I was going to be staying so I could get served. That was very crushing/depressing to get that call to say the least, but was reassured that I had filed first and was in the drivers seat with the proceedings…though I had never wanted to get a divorce and wanted us to get marriage counseling, etc.

    We had her served the next day, only to get a barouche of txt messages saying “we could have done this without lawyers, through an agreement”, which is a total lie given the fact that she had already hired a lawyer and filed in her state without knowing that I had before her…she was just pissed that she wasn’t controlling the situation and being the center of attention once again.

    May came around and it was time for me to get the rest of my things out of the apartment. I’m still unable to walk without a cane and orthopedic braces, and needed family/friends to assist me in the move. It was a total show to say the least when we got up there!!! She tried to dictate who could be present, and had all my things already in the living room, thus not permitting me/allowing me to go into the bedroom and other rooms – again, the whole control freak/center of attention aspect of a narcissist. She was also barely clothed, skimpy short-shorts, a shirt that barely covered her boobs, etc. It was so embarrassing since I had family present and she looked like a total whore! She would barely speak to me, didn’t ask how I was doing even though it was obvious I was in pain, and even looked happy that I was clearly sad about the whole situation not to mention lost to answers as to why this happened. She then continued to state (though I still don’t believe) that her son (would call him by name but “my son) does not want to see or speak to me and that is why he is not here today”. That just added to my devastation of lack of understanding as to why this was happening, but I wasn’t able to say goodbye to this little boy who was calling me daddy and we both said “I love you” to each other. Since then she has only cause more problems with the divorce thus costing both of us more money than what was needed to finalize this whole mess. Again, the center of attention and control freak aspect.

    I have since spoken to professional counselors and have learned that my ex suffers from narcissism as well as possibly histrionic personality disorder. She is in the depths of these conditions given her extreme sexual behavior during her previous marriage and how she would act in public (no regards to the impact on others…me, or if it is right/wrong). That her telling strangers about our sex life, her breast augmentation, insisting on being the center of attention, talking down on others only to look better herself, appearing to be totally in love during the early dating stages, but then drops the relationship quickly with no remorse, and seeming as if always on the hunt for another guy/relationship is 100% characteristic of these kind of people. They will also make the other person feel as if it’s all their fault that the relationship ended, when in fact we are totally oblivious to why it ended.

    It is now Fall ’12 and I’m hoping that the divorce will be finalized soon, though I still find myself at a loss as to why this all happened. Getting the advice about narcissists did help, but it’s not full closure…I still feel like I need answers. I’m also mad at myself that I still think about her in an affectionate way even though she has done all these horrible things both before, during and after our marriage, but have since learned that this is a common negative affect that the spouses of narcissists will endure. The worst is that I miss her son so badly and worry about him daily. Not only how he is progressing as a little man, but how he is going to turn out with a mother like that, and what will happen to him when he is not a source of attention for her any longer. Or how many more men will he call “daddy” only for her to drop them as well…not a very happy/loving/structured environment for a little boy to grow up. I also worry that I’m going to be so preoccupied with trying to notice the signs with other women so this doesn’t happen again, that I’ll miss the right one and I’ll be single and lonely forever…and I’m a very traditional kind of guy who really just wants to take care of my woman and grow old happily together….


  12. danni October 28, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    i too have been with an Narcissitic man, he ended it last week, and he has hurt me more than anyone i know, my heart has been ripped out and i have high anxiety and wonder where the old me has gone? i dont feel whole anymore, yet he is out as we speak with another replacement of me, and enjoying himself, without any conciounce or emotions, or a care in the world how he has hurt me. Not even a little bit. How many guys are out there with this problem, cause i am too terrified to date ever again . Great read, glad that there are other people out there who know what im dealing with, and that im not the one who is crazy ITS HIM


  13. "Baby" October 9, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    I read an article today that brought me to tears.

    http://www.narcissismfree.com/art_did-the-narcissist-ever-really-love-me.php

    This was the exact relationship I had for just about 2 years…that is until he tore everything away from me and broke my heart worse than I ever thought possible. The most amazing beginning, fairytale almost. We were amazing together and I fell so in love with him. I am naturally reserved in expressing my feelings due to not having that type of relationship in my family. He was always so open, expressed himself so well…insisted I look at him and listen intently when he conveyed his feelings to me. I had never experienced that before and though I was uncomfortable, I loved it so much. He asked me to move in forty days into our relationship…I didn’t. Instead we decided to build a life. Plans for a future that I never imagined wouldn’t come true. We put in motion buying property and building a house together. I encouraged him to press his divorce forward since it had been looming for three years. I persisted in helping him attempt to see his child, something he had given up on long before we met. I did everything for that man…what I thought was everything for us, only to have it ripped away.
    It was like a switch was turned on….he was suddenly “aware” of our plans and became scared to lose control. He began demeaning me in ways I couldnt see at first. He would hang up on me, ignore me for hours, days at a time. He would blame me for anything we fought about and claim that he hated fighting but that I loved it and we weren’t compatible. I swear I couldn’t hear him quit on us one more time…I was broken. Our amazing love ended with him telling me [again] that he no longer loved me, (a line he was so quick to use often those last few weeks), and dismissed me and left me hanging in heartbreak hell for a week. When he finally emerged again, all the promises of a familar forever were right there with him. “He was wrong, he messed up, he hurt the only one he loved so much.” Blah, blah, blah…if only I were that naive. I still loved him relentlessly and so wanted to let go of my wall that was building up and just embrace his words….but I was reluctant. He sensed that and with what I can only assume was fear that I wouldn’t come back and he would lose, he went in for the kill. He removed all of my belongings from the life we shared, dumped them back into my past, tore me from our house and walked away as if I deserved the punishment of a thousand murderers.
    He moved on without seeming to care at all…convinced the world I was at fault, and has replaced my existence with everything cheap and weak that I couldn’t be. This was months ago, and clearly I haven’t been able to let it go yet. I write this now more to express my pain to someone that can understand what it is like since most people think I should “be over it by now.” Feeling like I gave myself completely to someone who appears to have never cared about me at all is not that easy to get over, but knowing with all sureness that he is a true narcissist and I was right in my need to protect myself from utter heart failure provides a little piece of me to get back up…and every day that happens makes me one step closer to opening myself up for someone that can truly be “the one.”

    Loving my narcissist was the absolute most emotional and hardest thing I ever went through. If you can identify that you love someone like this, my only suggestion is to be sure you can live with the outcome. Be true to yourself.


  14. kasey September 8, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    With a monster of this kind for a little over two years. Thank God it didn’t make it to marriage. Physical abuse, mental abuse. I think and hope it’s over. it’s really hard to get out of it. I still love him, but it’s got to end. He got the apartment, and ill be the only one who knows what he did to me. I’m saddened by the loss of our unborn child, but that’s just me. God bless the people who marry these demonds. I’m hurt, scared of the world. I’m in recovery to a happy place just because he’s out of my life. Still young, i’ve got the time and the strength. Pray i never have contact with him because it’s just not that simple. He’s a bad person and has me heartbroken and scared. and he’s just living his life like it’s been nothing. Well I guess it wasn’t anything. I have a lot of questions unanswered. They never will have an answer and that’s okay to me now because I understand it has to be. Happy to know I’m not alone(:


  15. Mary July 25, 2012 at 9:12 am

    Very helpful indeed. It’s amazing how much of a common thread runs through all whose lives have been entangled with a N. I was married to one for 24 years…when I married him at 21 I was strong, vibrant, beautiful…and so loving. I worshiiped him…of course…this is what they are after when their “act” of love is on. We had three children together and I am still dealing with my own self loathing for ignoring my gut and not following my heart when I realized after having one child that i should leave…while I still could. I finally left three years ago and he has literally tried to destroy my life: emotionally, financially, spiritually…in the most crruel and horrific ways. Now I can forgive myself for not leaving earlier because in my gut I must have known that i was going to have to face hell for getting out but WE LEAVE WHEN WE ARE READY AND I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS DESPITE ALL HIS CRUELTY…it just serves to confirm he’s everything evil I thought he was. The icing on the cake is that seven months after leaving him I met a man that was literally a mirror to my soul, he gave me everything my ex never could. Attention, adoration, great sex, he wanted to spend every waking moment with me….endless talking and conversations about EVERYTHING. Fast forward three years later and turns out he’s the worst kind of N. possible: the kind of psycopath that can uncannily read a woman’s mind and heart at first sight and seem to know exactly what can hook her. Just like the article said, I feel like he led me up the stairs to heaven while telling me how beautiful the view was going to be and as we were standing way up at the top of the stairs admiring the view…suddenly he pushed me off and I could see the absolute pathology in his eyes at his knowing how badly I hit the concrete and that he’d hurt me. That was IT. I ended it, went NO CONTACT and am completely resolved to never engage this sub human , pathetic excuse for a man again. He’s stalking me via phone, email, text …soon I’ll be blocking my numbers but he got deported and I THANK GOD he was physcially removed from being anywhere near me because N’s have a way of totally seducing you right back in when they can see you, touch you, show you their shallow tears and feelings. This second experience with an N. tells me I’ve got ALOT of personal work to do on myself because clearly I’m attracting this garbage into my life and I have made a commitment to myself that I will heal the inner child within that has invited these kinds of characters in to do their evil bidding.
    TO EVERYONE OUT THERE WONDERING IF THEY CAN LEAVE: YES YOU CAN! YOU CAN AND YOU WILL! YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN AN EMPTY, SOULESS, LYING, MANIPULATING SUB HUMAN….LOOK IN THE MIRROR EVERY DAY AND TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU LOVE AND BELIEVE AND TRUST YOURSELF. DO IT SEVERAL TIMES A DAY AND YOU’LL START TO SEE THE TRUTH…AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! GOD BLESS!


  16. just me p July 24, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    I was supposed to leave my house an hour ago but I couldn’t stop reading…I just got married to a N…we have a 7 year old that is already showing classic N signs..I am a singer and songwriter that can’t even finish a song today because of the mental abuse I have endured for the last 8 years. I have also picked up some of his nasty loser habits!..I actually egg him on and say things to mess up his day..like a tic for tac type thing. I am a strong women but I am depressed..I never come straight home from work because I don’t want to hear his voice< i tried to leave him at least 16 times, he tells my son that 'MaMe is trying to leave us"..She doesn't want us to be together..she wants to take you away and give you another daddy…We went to see apartments my 7 year old and I and my son came out and said Mom why are you doing this to daddy..he loves us, then he told me on the drive home "That's why my daddy doesn't love you, he only loves me..He hates you"…I was devastated to hear my baby say that! it broke my heart…my son will be a monster just like his father if I don't save him…his father is clean ..tall..attractive well spoken..soft spoken..and charming..he is good in bed and his guilt trip is the best..he uses my son to convince me to stay have tearing my down with a bull dozer..he sez the stuff that he knows will ripe my heart in 2..I often retaliate but trying to state facts..that he doesn't even hear…I am making my getaway plan and meditating to get my energy back…I have gained weight that I can't lose..I have anxiety attack so often now..and i worry about dealing with my son alone…but the time has come…thank god I have god


  17. kemoi July 7, 2012 at 4:48 am

    Its true !!!


  18. graham January 28, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    wow this has blown me apart, my girlfriend is definately a narcissist, im trying so hard to leave her but the problem is im so in love with her still, why? i dont know, she has taken everything away from me , my self esteem, my confidence, everything, i have never ever felt so suicidal, if there is anyone who can help me through this period of my life i would so much appreciate it, i dont know why but i want her back so much, the relationship is so bad for me though, what th e hell do i do? i feel as though im no good for anyone else, she has made me feel that im so useless for anyone, i cant make love no more as i feel im no good in bed, my life feels worthless, all i think about is ending it constantly, someone please help me, please! gray


  19. David January 26, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    I really never knew what nacissisom was untill recently. My wife tried to leave me several times over the past 13 years for reasons like we just come from different sides of the tracks or she just wasn’t happy anymore. I never really understood what that meant but after a month or so of pleading and begging she would change her mind like a switch being turned on and off. This time she broke the news to me the day after I retuned from takeing my son from a previous to the air port for deployment into the military. I was totaly taken by surprise, it was a time when I needed her support the most and there she was telling me she had already gotten another house and would be moving out in two weeks. I still love her but hate her at the same time. She has a goob job makeing around 80000 a year and I had been layed off from a construction company and unable to find work other than doing some handyman type stuff. She sold our house on a quick sale and since she had demanded that everthing be put in her name alone I had no rights to stop the sale and now she is living in a brand new house with all new furnishings. I stayed at the house untill I was forced out by her and the buyers so they could start some remodleing prior to the close. I had spent tons of time and money trying to make the perfect house for her and she let it sell for 50000 less than she owed on it. Now I am living in my truck and sofa hopping at the age of 50 with a bad back so needless to say no one wants to hire a 50 year old construction worker with a bad back. She has never even offered to let me stay on her couch on the coldest of nights knowing I would have to be sleeping outside in my truck. Now that the house is closed she wants me ti sighn a property settlement agreement that would allow her to keep all of the 401k but me be 50% of any taxes owed from the short sale of the house not to mention she sold, gave away or threw away everthing she didnt want to take with her. I did nothing but love and compliment this women evreyday of our marriage. I never even called her a bad name during the most heated of arguments and all she did was be criticle of me for the most part. She will play nice at one moment but as soon as things start to look like they matbe improving she will drop a crippleing bomb on me. And yes she cant walk past a mirror without admireing her self or have a conversation about how great she is at everything. If I tried to talk about my day or my feeling I would find myself talking to her back as she was walking away as if nothing about me ever mattered. I dont understand why I still love her and want her back I really feel that if I had to see her with another man it would be too devistateing to live with but I know she will someday put it right in my face just to see me kill myself but would feel no remorse but fuel her over inflated ego. I know that no one is worth killing yourself over but the pain of it all just continues to get worse evryday. IS THERE SOMETHING OR SOMEBODY THAT CAN HELP ME. I would never do any thing to cause my sons any greif but we all have our breaking points were we no longer can rationalize and I feel as if I am very close to reaching mine.


  20. kiki December 9, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    i think i am in love with one myself we have great sex but thats it no hugging kissing or touching no cuddling no holding hands no i missed you today nothing and he ba humbugs christmas i think to get out of getting and enjoying holiday events.


  21. Browzer56andNowBruised December 8, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    Oh! The pain of it all. I think/but am pretty positive I just got out of a relationship with a girl/woman that has a Narcissistic Personality disorder. I think I’m out? I’m in my mid 50′s and she in early 50′. I knew her back in the 80′s when we worked together. I had been married about 4yrs when I met her. It was a friendship, but she had other motives at the time. And of course one thing led to another? But I must say that my marriage was rocky at that point anyway and I know I never should have been with her, and it has haunted me my whole life. But anyway, she enticed me back then even though she was engaged to someone. Well she left workplace for another job & I never saw her again, but I knew about her through her cousin. She was in an abusive marriage. I got divorced after 15yrs? and still asked about her through cousin but never pursued because she was married. Then a few more years go by and I find out she was divorced, so I went looking for her. And when I found her, it turns out she just ended a six year relationship (that was after her marriage), with a guy, & her getting restraining orders against him because he was a jealous Narcissistic Personality disorder freak himself with severe beatings to her through relationship. Well things were fine with us at first, she was sweet and loving in ways, and made me very happy. We talked of marriage, and I got her a ring. But I guess these people need this drama in there life as fuel to survive, and it is hard for them to hold it in. Because when it she started on me it was like the 6th fleet bombing a kennel of puppies. I couldn’t at first figure out what the hell was going on with her, she was very verbally abusive, calling me a cheat, a liar, sick (me) in the head? a user, an abuser, stringing her along? She wanted to break up, I pleaded not to, we stayed together 3yrs? and i put up with it, but each time wondering how this would work in a marriage. Each verbal beating got longer every time, with name calling list growing with every new thing she found out about me and my family? But I stayed! Thinking, I am a strong person and I can help her see a different light so things will be good between us “WRONG” In the three years I spent about $50,000 on her taking her places, going out to eat, presents and anything else she would need or I thought she would want! “WRONG” That was added to list as “shit” she didn’t need? “WOW” Ok!! She said it was never about money, but that was added into verbal attacks also, saying “You’re all set you have your money and other things” She said I didn’t want to be with her. She was/is a very needy person, more so than anyone I have ever known, always had to have me tell her how beautiful and sexy she was ( which I really didn’t mind ) but it started getting out of hand, and if I missed a time or not when she wanted it “BANG” Hell broke loose, you’re no good, you don’t love me, you want this one or that one? She would say “Why do you do this to me, what would keep a man from such a Beautiful Woman as I am, why would you talk to other people or look at them when I am right here?” My answer was, “We as humans talk to one another, and we have eyes that God gave us to see with, but that in no way means that you want what you see or talk to.” Bear in mind she is talking to same people. The worse part is, she had a hold on me somehow, I loved her and still do? But I couldn’t take anymore verbal attacks, which were definate 2 times a month, usually 2 wks apart, and one was always close to full Moon, and those were major attacks, then there were smaller ones in between, when they happened in person, she was mean, she has beautiful eyes, but they almost glowed when she started, I seriously thought the Devil was coming right out of her to grab me, because God released my sould to him. When the attacks were by phone, I swear she had a timer because they always lasted 1hr and then she hung up. She could yell and scream continuously for that one hr, and I could not get a word in edge wise, and she would hang up. So of course I would not call the next day, considering she just told me we were through? I would get another Butt Wooopping for that, and then all of a sudden she would turn sweet, with the I love you I love you so much, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, I want you, I need you, can’t wait to see and be with you Honey! But this is how it went on for the three years, it’s funny, because even her family said hang onto this one, don’t screw it up? Narcissists don’t see things that way, they only see something they have just twisted around into what they perceive it should be to make sense in their own minds. She didn’t realize what she had, and that I would never have been dishonest or cheat on her ( I know what I said earlier ) but that is the reason I was faithful to her, because of 25yrs ago with her, it has eaten away at me all this time, and the person I did it to didn’t deserve it. But when she starts with the “You are a cheat and a liar, and if you did it then, you will do it again only to me?” I put the brakes on and said, ” You have to realize one thing, you are the one that enticed me back then, knowing I was married, and you were engaged, but you had no conscience about the matter then, and now you are afraid of being the very person you hate and were back then “The Other Woman”!!! Well we haven’t been together in a month now, I tried calling her? I don’t know why! Sorry!! She still has a hold on me, and I feel I still love her and want to be with her in my heart, but my head says to walk away stupid and don’t turn back, it’s for the best! But it is very hard and confusing. So now I have my own battle going on in me between my heart and mind as to what to do, and it hurts bad. Sorry! I guess I had to vent here, thanks for listening. Did I mention she is a Scorpio, and I am a Virgo, Astrology says these signs can work good together and enhance one another? I guess not in this case.


  22. rubytwoshoes December 8, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    I really enjoyed this article and the comments. I lived with one of these devils for nearly 17 years and have been away from him for the same amount of time.I still,to this day,wonder if I made the right decision but after reading this I absolutely know I did.I too left multiple times and went back but after some counselling from a woman’s shelter worker I realized nothing was going to change.It is said that a woman who divorces lives in poverty for the next ten years and I must say I found this to be true BUT even when I was hungry and penniless I was still happy because I finally had PEACE!The excuses we made,the negative energy we were surrounded with,sometimes I thought of suicide but the thought of my children kept me going.I am so happy that I made the decision to better our lives and the poor man never thought it would happen.


  23. L December 8, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Narcissists are very insecure people at heart, they are cowards who try to control others out of their own lack of self-esteem. RUN!!! They will try to drag you down with them and think nothing of it!!!!


  24. Nena December 8, 2011 at 6:03 am

    I was in a relationship with a narcissist. I am still recovering from the wounds inflicted on me. =(

  25. Cameron ext 5412
    Cameron ext 5412 July 15, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    Melinda,

    I wish you the best on your journey, I really do understand how hard it is. Thank you for sharing the article with your therapist and for commenting here, I know it will help others.

    Thank you to everyone who has left comments and shared their personal stories – Paola, Gypsygirl, Bdpinlvn3, and Beachlover444. While an article like this can only begin to scratch the surface, I hope it begins a process of healing, and that you are able to find the additional help and support you need.


  26. Melinda July 13, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    Thank you for this well written article Cameron. I showed it to my therapist today and she also felt it was a helpful tool for someone like myself who is trying to escape a relationship with a Narcissist. It’s been 7 long years and countless times of leaving and going back for more. The sad thing is I am still in love with him!
    I have been continually reading and re reading this article to remind me to STAY AWAY from him.
    Bless you for this timely article during this struggle I am facing.


  27. paola July 6, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    nice article, and yes it is much worse… the man I was with was terribly manipulative, trying to ruin my self-esteem so I wouldn’t get out so easily. The reason why it was so hard to get out is because it was confusing: sometimes it seemed like he really loved. Even if that was the case, the realtionship was terrible. I broke up after a bit more than one year, and he tried to come back saying he was sorry and cried a lot, but I stood firm and didn’t give him a chance. after a few weeks he was with a new girl and tried rubbing her in my face…seriously narcissistic kind of guy…very hard to spot at first, very hard to recover after breaking up.


  28. gyspygirl July 6, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    Thank you for this EYE OPENER! OMG…..this is my boyfriend that I’ve been dating just over a year. I realize now how much he has stolen from me. All my self confidence and esteem. I am his doormat and he knows it and loves the control. Yes…my life is falling apart. He is the drug I have to quit….but have been unable to break it off. I keep telling myself not to take his calls, not to call him, not to see him….but he’s wormed his way inside my mind and the wiring is all off now…i can’t think straight.


  29. bdpinlvn3 July 6, 2011 at 9:56 am

    As a survivor of a 10 year nightmare, I have to tell you, I never in 1000 years thought I could be in an abusive relationship. The breakdown is slow and eroding so you don’t even see it happening until it’s too late
    to pull yourself out of it. Once inside, breaking free is so difficult. I left 20 or more times but always went back. I decided that after 10 years, nothing had changed, I always built back up what he continually tore down until I finally realized that in 10 more years I still would be in the exact same place. He would never change and being 10 years younger than me, what would I have left in 10 more years, if I was alive at all. The mind games and lies are endless, the humiliation and despair I felt were beyond words. I got out, thank God and I have never been happier. It is hard but believe me it’s more worth it than I can put into words. He still calls me but I no longer feel the need to answer. He doesn’t love you and he never will. You will leave only when your ready, but can you afford to wait that long? The cliff comment was priceless, that’s exactly how it is. Thanks for the article, it’s nice to know someone understands.


  30. beachlover444 July 6, 2011 at 3:37 am

    It’s far worse than what is written in the 6 signs above. I lived it for years and was completely shattered – destroyed by the end. I’m a strong person with a good job and family. I ended up isolated and feeling as though I was worthless and alone. No one is better at manipulation and control than a person with Narcisstic Personality disorder. It took a long time to be myself again. If you are in a relationship with a Narcissist – RUN!!!

  31. misskrystal
    misskrystal July 5, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    I feel this is a great article , Cameron. I really enjoyed it. Miss Krystal

  32. Gina Rose ext.9500
    Gina Rose ext.9500 July 5, 2011 at 8:31 am

    Hi Cameron,

    words of wisdom indeed.

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