Are You in Love With a Narcissist?
When most of us hear the word “narcissist,” we think of someone who spends too much time primping in front of a mirror. While we can all be self-centered from time to time, pathological narcissism is different. The people I talk to who have been involved with pathological narcissists find themselves devastated, trying to put their lives back together as if they had just survived a stroke. The pain and humiliation are indescribable.
Psychologists don’t always know why people exhibit narcissistic behavior, but the fact remains: pathological narcissists have no empathy for the people they harm, and often, whether they are conscious of it or not, systematically destroy the ones they are with. Have you been, or are you currently, in love with a narcissist?
Deborah is engaged to Adam after a three-month whirlwind courtship. She’s never felt so much attention from a man, although she has noticed that sometimes Adam can be cruel in his judgments—urging her to lose weight and dress differently. She ignores her misgivings, and decides he is critical because he wants her to be the best she can be.
Several weeks into planning the wedding, Adam leaves her a message that he’s been having second thoughts and needs some time to think. He stops taking her calls and she never hears from him again. Deborah accepts the fact that her relationship with Adam is over even though she never finds out why. One day a close friend, Becky, informs her that Adam called her recently and asked her out on a date.
You might be saying, “Who could do that to someone?” A pathological narcissist. It’s hard to imagine someone who doesn’t share our value system when it comes to hurting others, yet most of us know a Deborah, or have been in her shoes at some time ourselves. If you think you are involved with a narcissist, here are some things to consider.
1. Ask yourself: Is my life falling apart?
If you find that you are suddenly listless where once you were vibrant; doubting yourself when you were confident before you met him—something is wrong. Does he constantly tell you to change, but when you give him feedback, he explodes? When he doesn’t call you after a fight are you unable to function as if you were withdrawing from a powerful drug?
2. Count the red flags.
The best defense against a narcissist is trusting how you feel. Your mind may say, “He didn’t really mean to hurt me…” but do you still feel constantly attacked? Remember: narcissists engage in a cycle of abuse that is called a “traumatic bond,” like someone pushing you off a cliff, and then rushing down to the bottom with a first-aid kit. You’re grateful for the help until you remember who pushed you off in the first place. A narcissist will gradually break down your self-esteem with criticism, in order to control you and make you emotionally dependent. Keep track of how many times you make excuses for him.
3. Communicate with people you trust.
If something bothers you about the relationship, tell someone else. Talk to close friends who will give you the truth. If you find you’ve stopped telling your friends about his behavior, ask yourself why.
4. Get help if you need it.
Realize you may be in emotional, spiritual and—in some cases—physical danger. When you understand you’ll never change her, you begin the process of leaving. The relationship a narcissist creates with her partner is extremely seductive and powerful, one you may not be able to break without professional help.
5. Stop all contact.
It may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life, but if you really want to move on, you have to cut off ALL communication. A narcissist brings you back into the relationship by getting inside your head and manipulating you. Don’t let him know what you’re thinking. When he comes back to say he’s sorry (and he will), stand your ground and do not engage.
Even people who’ve read all the books can still be taken in by a narcissist. Take all the love you were giving him, and pour it into yourself. Go for long walks, make healthy meals, and surround yourself with friends and family. Depending on how long the relationship lasted, getting over a narcissist can take time, but you will get through it.
Astrology & Numerology
Career & Work
Deceased Loved Ones
Destiny / Life Path
Dreams
Love & Relationships
Mind, Body & Spirit
Pets and Animals
wow this has blown me apart, my girlfriend is definately a narcissist, im trying so hard to leave her but the problem is im so in love with her still, why? i dont know, she has taken everything away from me , my self esteem, my confidence, everything, i have never ever felt so suicidal, if there is anyone who can help me through this period of my life i would so much appreciate it, i dont know why but i want her back so much, the relationship is so bad for me though, what th e hell do i do? i feel as though im no good for anyone else, she has made me feel that im so useless for anyone, i cant make love no more as i feel im no good in bed, my life feels worthless, all i think about is ending it constantly, someone please help me, please! gray
I really never knew what nacissisom was untill recently. My wife tried to leave me several times over the past 13 years for reasons like we just come from different sides of the tracks or she just wasn’t happy anymore. I never really understood what that meant but after a month or so of pleading and begging she would change her mind like a switch being turned on and off. This time she broke the news to me the day after I retuned from takeing my son from a previous to the air port for deployment into the military. I was totaly taken by surprise, it was a time when I needed her support the most and there she was telling me she had already gotten another house and would be moving out in two weeks. I still love her but hate her at the same time. She has a goob job makeing around 80000 a year and I had been layed off from a construction company and unable to find work other than doing some handyman type stuff. She sold our house on a quick sale and since she had demanded that everthing be put in her name alone I had no rights to stop the sale and now she is living in a brand new house with all new furnishings. I stayed at the house untill I was forced out by her and the buyers so they could start some remodleing prior to the close. I had spent tons of time and money trying to make the perfect house for her and she let it sell for 50000 less than she owed on it. Now I am living in my truck and sofa hopping at the age of 50 with a bad back so needless to say no one wants to hire a 50 year old construction worker with a bad back. She has never even offered to let me stay on her couch on the coldest of nights knowing I would have to be sleeping outside in my truck. Now that the house is closed she wants me ti sighn a property settlement agreement that would allow her to keep all of the 401k but me be 50% of any taxes owed from the short sale of the house not to mention she sold, gave away or threw away everthing she didnt want to take with her. I did nothing but love and compliment this women evreyday of our marriage. I never even called her a bad name during the most heated of arguments and all she did was be criticle of me for the most part. She will play nice at one moment but as soon as things start to look like they matbe improving she will drop a crippleing bomb on me. And yes she cant walk past a mirror without admireing her self or have a conversation about how great she is at everything. If I tried to talk about my day or my feeling I would find myself talking to her back as she was walking away as if nothing about me ever mattered. I dont understand why I still love her and want her back I really feel that if I had to see her with another man it would be too devistateing to live with but I know she will someday put it right in my face just to see me kill myself but would feel no remorse but fuel her over inflated ego. I know that no one is worth killing yourself over but the pain of it all just continues to get worse evryday. IS THERE SOMETHING OR SOMEBODY THAT CAN HELP ME. I would never do any thing to cause my sons any greif but we all have our breaking points were we no longer can rationalize and I feel as if I am very close to reaching mine.
i think i am in love with one myself we have great sex but thats it no hugging kissing or touching no cuddling no holding hands no i missed you today nothing and he ba humbugs christmas i think to get out of getting and enjoying holiday events.
Oh! The pain of it all. I think/but am pretty positive I just got out of a relationship with a girl/woman that has a Narcissistic Personality disorder. I think I’m out? I’m in my mid 50′s and she in early 50′. I knew her back in the 80′s when we worked together. I had been married about 4yrs when I met her. It was a friendship, but she had other motives at the time. And of course one thing led to another? But I must say that my marriage was rocky at that point anyway and I know I never should have been with her, and it has haunted me my whole life. But anyway, she enticed me back then even though she was engaged to someone. Well she left workplace for another job & I never saw her again, but I knew about her through her cousin. She was in an abusive marriage. I got divorced after 15yrs? and still asked about her through cousin but never pursued because she was married. Then a few more years go by and I find out she was divorced, so I went looking for her. And when I found her, it turns out she just ended a six year relationship (that was after her marriage), with a guy, & her getting restraining orders against him because he was a jealous Narcissistic Personality disorder freak himself with severe beatings to her through relationship. Well things were fine with us at first, she was sweet and loving in ways, and made me very happy. We talked of marriage, and I got her a ring. But I guess these people need this drama in there life as fuel to survive, and it is hard for them to hold it in. Because when it she started on me it was like the 6th fleet bombing a kennel of puppies. I couldn’t at first figure out what the hell was going on with her, she was very verbally abusive, calling me a cheat, a liar, sick (me) in the head? a user, an abuser, stringing her along? She wanted to break up, I pleaded not to, we stayed together 3yrs? and i put up with it, but each time wondering how this would work in a marriage. Each verbal beating got longer every time, with name calling list growing with every new thing she found out about me and my family? But I stayed! Thinking, I am a strong person and I can help her see a different light so things will be good between us “WRONG” In the three years I spent about $50,000 on her taking her places, going out to eat, presents and anything else she would need or I thought she would want! “WRONG” That was added to list as “shit” she didn’t need? “WOW” Ok!! She said it was never about money, but that was added into verbal attacks also, saying “You’re all set you have your money and other things” She said I didn’t want to be with her. She was/is a very needy person, more so than anyone I have ever known, always had to have me tell her how beautiful and sexy she was ( which I really didn’t mind ) but it started getting out of hand, and if I missed a time or not when she wanted it “BANG” Hell broke loose, you’re no good, you don’t love me, you want this one or that one? She would say “Why do you do this to me, what would keep a man from such a Beautiful Woman as I am, why would you talk to other people or look at them when I am right here?” My answer was, “We as humans talk to one another, and we have eyes that God gave us to see with, but that in no way means that you want what you see or talk to.” Bear in mind she is talking to same people. The worse part is, she had a hold on me somehow, I loved her and still do? But I couldn’t take anymore verbal attacks, which were definate 2 times a month, usually 2 wks apart, and one was always close to full Moon, and those were major attacks, then there were smaller ones in between, when they happened in person, she was mean, she has beautiful eyes, but they almost glowed when she started, I seriously thought the Devil was coming right out of her to grab me, because God released my sould to him. When the attacks were by phone, I swear she had a timer because they always lasted 1hr and then she hung up. She could yell and scream continuously for that one hr, and I could not get a word in edge wise, and she would hang up. So of course I would not call the next day, considering she just told me we were through? I would get another Butt Wooopping for that, and then all of a sudden she would turn sweet, with the I love you I love you so much, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, I want you, I need you, can’t wait to see and be with you Honey! But this is how it went on for the three years, it’s funny, because even her family said hang onto this one, don’t screw it up? Narcissists don’t see things that way, they only see something they have just twisted around into what they perceive it should be to make sense in their own minds. She didn’t realize what she had, and that I would never have been dishonest or cheat on her ( I know what I said earlier ) but that is the reason I was faithful to her, because of 25yrs ago with her, it has eaten away at me all this time, and the person I did it to didn’t deserve it. But when she starts with the “You are a cheat and a liar, and if you did it then, you will do it again only to me?” I put the brakes on and said, ” You have to realize one thing, you are the one that enticed me back then, knowing I was married, and you were engaged, but you had no conscience about the matter then, and now you are afraid of being the very person you hate and were back then “The Other Woman”!!! Well we haven’t been together in a month now, I tried calling her? I don’t know why! Sorry!! She still has a hold on me, and I feel I still love her and want to be with her in my heart, but my head says to walk away stupid and don’t turn back, it’s for the best! But it is very hard and confusing. So now I have my own battle going on in me between my heart and mind as to what to do, and it hurts bad. Sorry! I guess I had to vent here, thanks for listening. Did I mention she is a Scorpio, and I am a Virgo, Astrology says these signs can work good together and enhance one another? I guess not in this case.
I really enjoyed this article and the comments. I lived with one of these devils for nearly 17 years and have been away from him for the same amount of time.I still,to this day,wonder if I made the right decision but after reading this I absolutely know I did.I too left multiple times and went back but after some counselling from a woman’s shelter worker I realized nothing was going to change.It is said that a woman who divorces lives in poverty for the next ten years and I must say I found this to be true BUT even when I was hungry and penniless I was still happy because I finally had PEACE!The excuses we made,the negative energy we were surrounded with,sometimes I thought of suicide but the thought of my children kept me going.I am so happy that I made the decision to better our lives and the poor man never thought it would happen.
Narcissists are very insecure people at heart, they are cowards who try to control others out of their own lack of self-esteem. RUN!!! They will try to drag you down with them and think nothing of it!!!!
I was in a relationship with a narcissist. I am still recovering from the wounds inflicted on me. =(
Melinda,
I wish you the best on your journey, I really do understand how hard it is. Thank you for sharing the article with your therapist and for commenting here, I know it will help others.
Thank you to everyone who has left comments and shared their personal stories – Paola, Gypsygirl, Bdpinlvn3, and Beachlover444. While an article like this can only begin to scratch the surface, I hope it begins a process of healing, and that you are able to find the additional help and support you need.
Thank you for this well written article Cameron. I showed it to my therapist today and she also felt it was a helpful tool for someone like myself who is trying to escape a relationship with a Narcissist. It’s been 7 long years and countless times of leaving and going back for more. The sad thing is I am still in love with him!
I have been continually reading and re reading this article to remind me to STAY AWAY from him.
Bless you for this timely article during this struggle I am facing.
nice article, and yes it is much worse… the man I was with was terribly manipulative, trying to ruin my self-esteem so I wouldn’t get out so easily. The reason why it was so hard to get out is because it was confusing: sometimes it seemed like he really loved. Even if that was the case, the realtionship was terrible. I broke up after a bit more than one year, and he tried to come back saying he was sorry and cried a lot, but I stood firm and didn’t give him a chance. after a few weeks he was with a new girl and tried rubbing her in my face…seriously narcissistic kind of guy…very hard to spot at first, very hard to recover after breaking up.
Thank you for this EYE OPENER! OMG…..this is my boyfriend that I’ve been dating just over a year. I realize now how much he has stolen from me. All my self confidence and esteem. I am his doormat and he knows it and loves the control. Yes…my life is falling apart. He is the drug I have to quit….but have been unable to break it off. I keep telling myself not to take his calls, not to call him, not to see him….but he’s wormed his way inside my mind and the wiring is all off now…i can’t think straight.
As a survivor of a 10 year nightmare, I have to tell you, I never in 1000 years thought I could be in an abusive relationship. The breakdown is slow and eroding so you don’t even see it happening until it’s too late
to pull yourself out of it. Once inside, breaking free is so difficult. I left 20 or more times but always went back. I decided that after 10 years, nothing had changed, I always built back up what he continually tore down until I finally realized that in 10 more years I still would be in the exact same place. He would never change and being 10 years younger than me, what would I have left in 10 more years, if I was alive at all. The mind games and lies are endless, the humiliation and despair I felt were beyond words. I got out, thank God and I have never been happier. It is hard but believe me it’s more worth it than I can put into words. He still calls me but I no longer feel the need to answer. He doesn’t love you and he never will. You will leave only when your ready, but can you afford to wait that long? The cliff comment was priceless, that’s exactly how it is. Thanks for the article, it’s nice to know someone understands.
It’s far worse than what is written in the 6 signs above. I lived it for years and was completely shattered – destroyed by the end. I’m a strong person with a good job and family. I ended up isolated and feeling as though I was worthless and alone. No one is better at manipulation and control than a person with Narcisstic Personality disorder. It took a long time to be myself again. If you are in a relationship with a Narcissist – RUN!!!
I feel this is a great article , Cameron. I really enjoyed it. Miss Krystal
Hi Cameron,
words of wisdom indeed.