Sex Q&A: Does My Ex Still Love Me?

January 8, 2012 at 12:00 am


Does sex after a relationship ends mean a couple is still in love? Perhaps the sexual heat is still permeating beyond what a new boyfriend or girlfriend can offer. The following reader’s question opens up the door for Liam to answer the question of if your ex might still love you if you’re still having sex.

If He Still Wants Sex From You, Is That Love?

Lorie from Decatur, Illinois asks:

My ex-husband lives with his girlfriend, but he keeps wanting sex from me. Does this mean he still loves me?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Lorie, and thank you for writing. On the surface, your question appears to have a very cut and dried answer. Indeed, some might deem you foolish for even asking. But the great Swiss philosopher and writer Denis De Rougemont once very wisely pointed out that only the foolish questions really enlighten because behind the obvious nearly always lies something profound. The public response to your inquiry will no doubt be a resounding negative since according to the very narrow social perception of idealized romance most will assume your ex doesn’t love you at all. Indeed, they will villainize him and chastise you for daring to accept him in the swelter of carnal delights. I, however, tend to see the matter a bit differently…

Love is defined very differently by different people, in different times and different cultures and it would take more space than we have in this column to sort it all out. Suffice to say your question is born of your own idealized romantic perceptions and hails from a land of myths and pipe dreams which most people accept rather blindly. If you want to know if your ex is ever coming back to live happily ever after with you, then the very short answer is no. That being said, I ask you not to be so quick in your assumptions as to his emotional attachment to you. After all, emotions, passions, primal instinct and, dare I say, love cannot be easily contained by social definition. Your ex has no desire to live with you as husband and wife anymore, but this doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. In the conventional sense, according to the romantic and so-called moral ideal, perhaps, he fails… But measured against that myth, most do.

The hard fact of the matter is that your ex stopped being your husband, because the two of you just really sucked at being married. You aren’t happy living together, and you have never been best friends. You live apart, because he has found someone with whom he is much more compatible on that level. That being said, what he does have with you that he doesn’t with her is sexual heat. That sort of thing rocks in the bedroom, but doesn’t transfer so well into a daily partnership. From what I see of the situation, your ex cares very much for you… He just doesn’t want to live with you. And I have to wonder why you would want him to? You know he’s no picnic to have around. You know he’s constantly moody and morose. And you know that outside the bedroom he doesn’t really “get” you as the saying goes. If he did return to live with you, how long do you think you’d be happy to have him back? After the initial ego triumph of having won him back from your rival wore off, what would be left? A marriage cannot be fed by passion alone. It won’t work. It didn’t work for you before.

So your husband is never going to come back for good to live. Is that any reason to stop taking him into your bed? It’s the only place you really like him. Sex between the two of you is grand, and you feel marvelous with the flow of it. And you don’t have the drama and hassle and complication of the friendship aspect of the pairing, which never was your forte together. I’m afraid you only think you want him back to gratify your ego and because society tells you a good girl only sleeps with men who give them everything in total monogamy. Heaven forbid a woman has sex simply because she wants to! Yes, it’s not the situation for everyone, but it works for you. I say, go ahead, enjoy him as a lover, and let someone else enjoy his friendship. In time, you too may well find a live-in friend for yourself.

Liam

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14 Responses to “Sex Q&A: Does My Ex Still Love Me?”

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  1. Irene60 November 2, 2013 at 4:02 am

    Hi my ex has still been in my life for over 11 years , but has since married someone else but he stills wants to have sex with me , well it suits me but why does he keep coming back time and time again ?? even though he claims he is happy ??


  2. jane June 10, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    MY NAME IS Mrs JANE I AM FROM NEW YORK CITY, USA.

    I NEVER BELIEVE IN LOVE SPELLS BEFORE NOT UNTIL I MET WITH THIS GREAT SPELL CASTER CALLED (DR. ORIRI) HE IS REALLY POWERFUL

    AND HE IS SPECIALIZED ON A SPELL TO BRING BACK LOVE’S ONE,LOST, HE CAN ALSO MAKE SOME ONE TO LOVE YOU OR SPELL FOR A GOOD

    JOB. I AM NOW HAPPY AND A LIVING TESTIMONY BECAUSE THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY LEFT ME 3 WEEK S BEFORE OUR WEDDING AND MY LIFE

    WAS UPSIDE DOWN COS OUR-RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN ON FOR 3 YEARS…..I REALLY LOVE HIM, AND I CANNOT DO WITHOUT HIM..BUT ALL HIS RELATIONS WERE AGAINST OUR FRIENDSHIP INCLUDING HIS MOTHER AND HE HAD NO GOOD PAYING JOB…..SO WHEN I MET WITH THE SPELL CASTER I EXPLAINED TO HIM ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME…AT THE FIRST STAGE I WAS UNDECIDED, SKEPTICAL AND DOUBTFUL, BUT I JUST GAVE IT A TRY DUE TO DEPRESSION….AND IN 7 DAYS MY BOYFRIEND (NOW MY HUSBAND) CALLED ME BY HIMSELF AND CAME TO ME APOLOGIZING THAT EVERYTHING HAD BEEN SETTLED WITH HIS MOM AND FAMILY…THAT IS HOW WE GOT MARRIED AND HAPPILY TOGETHER NOW…YOU CAN CONTACT THIS SPELL CASTER ON HIS EMAIL oririokotraditionalcenter@gmail.com


  3. Marta August 6, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    So Liam is saying it’s ok for this guy to have his cake and eat it too. It’s ok for him to cheat on his girlfriend he is living with at the moment. Liam, where is your head?


  4. Chrissi Matusevics July 5, 2012 at 5:41 am

    but does this woman want a ‘friend with benefits’ relationship where the man is rarely around unless be wants a ‘booty call’ I personally wouldn’t be satisfied with that- call me greedy but I want it all- the great sex, the love and affection, the meeting of minds, the sharing, the company, what I don’t want is the worry and waiting to see if he’ll call, the wondering if he’s doing with her what he did with me, if he shares with her stuff he doesn’t with me. I had a great love that I had everything I ever dreamed of with, but his family married him to someone else by proxy(which was allowed at the time) I couldn’t be ‘the other woman’, so although we loved each other- and he loved me till the day he died I heard- we had to part I could have tried to stay around- but in reality couldn’t live like that-sneaking around being secretive- we separated and I tried to move on- when I heard he’d died I was torn apart- but I had to do the right thing- even if it was not right for us


  5. Shyann January 10, 2012 at 10:43 pm

    I was 6 months pregnant and trying to create a happy family. Until my man decided
    he wanted to go play around. Whether we were married or not does not matter. We
    lived together and thought we were commited. WHY would a woman want sloppy
    seconds ?? That is sooo gross !! I had to give him up, he said he would stop seeing
    her…but he kept lying. I put new locks on my door, and never took him back. My baby
    and I were better off without him. So, for u Liam to say it’s OK to have sex with him
    was immoral and insensitve. Doing things that hurt other people, make a huge mess.


  6. Fiona x5178 January 10, 2012 at 9:08 am

    In response to Liam’s answer–I agree with you most of the time, but I don’t know about this time. The woman’s self esteem has already been compromised; she’s still having sex with him to keep the door open in the hopes he will come back to her. That’s not going to happen, and she needs to pull on her inner strength, take back her self respect as a woman, and move on. She has a loving heart and a sweet spirit–there are other men. One of whom will love and respect her, honor her, and lift her up every day! She can rest assured that with the new one coming into her life, he will think more of her if she’s kicked that looser ex of hers to the curb and pulled herself together, before the new guy rings the doorbell.
    Momentary gratification is not a long term solution to repairing a shattered life. She deserves better, and she can certainly have it–and will.


  7. Tiana January 10, 2012 at 6:33 am

    I have to agree strongly with Arise and Lady jane, such wise and evolved souls. I don’t mean to be unkind, as we all are on our own level of evolution, but I have been reading these articles by Liam with astonishment. He comes across often as sleaze. He has no sensitivity or understanding towards the feelings of women at all. Being valued and respected! It’s nothing to do with being conditioned. It’s a biological fact that when a woman has sex the hormone oxytocin is released and she becomes emotionally involved. The advice he gave to that poor woman is demeaning. Her ex is using her and she deserves better. She needs to learn to have self respect and love herself. Then her self esteem will rise. She deserves a caring, supportive and loving relationship, not a shallow individual like her ex. And she won’t be open to finding this while she’s still emotionally involved with her ex, who is playing with her feelings and direspecting and disloyal to his new partner. He wants his cake and eat it! Liam I think you are into the philosophy that was made up by a MAN Osho, in order to justify using women for sex. When women get brainwashed by this thinking and go along with it it rarely works and they usually have issues and get hurt. When having sex with a person their aura stays with you for seven years. This is the spiritual aspect. So you can see promiscuous behaviour can mess you up, especially women. I understand you know about Tantra. I beleive Tantra for couples can save a relationship if both are willing to participate together. The lifelong practise can bring deep wellbeing, happiness and joy and connect to the devine in union. I do not judge you and wish you enlightenment on your path. Bless.


  8. arise January 8, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Traditional ways of managing family relationships are not to be equated with cultural ephemera such as the “rom-com”. They are patterns which have been encoded in us over millenia. We have evolved with them. These are the archetypes. We can’t make them go away by simply deciding to ignore (repress) them.

    Science had hoped that materialism would triumph when the human genome was mapped. Then they discovered the epi-genes, which showed that we inherit not only the eye color, but also the experiences of our ancestors. Oops.

    Some form of marriage exists in almost every culture because it has worked for us over the millennia. Humans do not hit the ground running. There had to be some way to give children the protection of a family. To this day, children who don’t have that benefit tend (to use Liam’s sort of language) to be selected out of the gene pool (ie, end up incarcerated).

    Traditional values are not the stuff of dreams, they are fundamentally practical. These conventions have been society’s way of doing things like establishing paternity (while we waited for Maury Povich to come along). Traditional cuisines existed before science could tell us why pairing rice with beans can help your children grow stronger, or wine with dinner could help your grandparents live longer. Motherwit is still teaching lessons to science.

    The same evolutionary value inherent in the development of the family is also shown in the tendency of women to be motivated by hormones which promote bonding. The referred-to “negative public response” is actually very in touch with reality. It recognizes a fundamental inequity: he can probably have occasional sex with her without bonding to her, but she is very unlikely to be able to do the same. As long as she is bonded to him, she is not free to find love. (Liam has said this in other articles, so I don’t know why he forgot it here.)

    If the ex is never coming back, he’s treating her as a plaything; this is devaluing, so add loss of self-esteem to the handicaps it creates for her. Who is this guy, that she should accept being just another cow in his pasture? Additionally, wise females know they have a greater chance than males do of picking up an STD from this kind of contact, especially when unknowns are thrown into the mix, not only the girlfriend’s sexual history, but the ex may already be cheating on the new girlfriend with other women.

    The only thing I agree with in Liam’ response is that blaming is unnecessary. Giving her an honest estimate of her chances will probably help her move on, that is the important thing, and is all she asked for. Why this has to be combined with proselytizing his worldview is hard to understand.


  9. LadyJane January 8, 2012 at 9:19 am

    I have read Liam’s responses to questions such as the one above and sometimes I enjoy a man’s perspective and feel that he hits the mark. In other cases, I can’t fathom why women would consider such advice. This is truly a man’s viewpoint on the subject of whether or not an ex wife should keep having sex with her ex. I have first-hand knowledge that is doesn’t work for the WOMAN. We are wired differently, Liam. I would be willing to bet that the woman still loves her husband and keeps having sex with him thinking there is a chance he may come back to her. In the meantime, she isn’t capable of clearing her mind of rubbish like him and is not open to meeting someone who thinks she is hot at sex who she is compatible with in all aspects of what makes a long, happy marriage. Yes, Liam, there are monogamus relationships that have the full spectrum of love, sex, respect and friendship not to mention tolerance for everyday living habits that may not match your own. My advice to this woman is to get on with her life without that loser in it. He is a user and wil use up her emotional well being if she still loves him and he does not love her. Let the loser find another woman player like himself to have hot sex with and do his ex a favor by cutting her loose to find a meaningful relationship.


  10. Diane Crane January 8, 2012 at 8:21 am

    You forgot to mention the ex-husband’s girlfriend’s feelings about this matter. This guy LIVES with his girlfriend, and as a woman I probably wouldn’t be crazy about this arrangement. Turn the page, and tell him to do the same.


  11. judy January 8, 2012 at 6:34 am

    Come on; there is an old saying “Who needs the cow when you can get the cream”, I’d say, boot his tail and find a REAL man. Your probably very good looking and have alot going for yourself, don’t mess with this guy, who kinows WHAT he may bring you.


  12. ishmeal January 8, 2012 at 3:56 am

    in love making or in making sex i do come out like 5 to 10 mins why


  13. Eddie January 8, 2012 at 3:16 am

    Very well said!


  14. elly January 8, 2012 at 2:21 am

    Liam, as usual, you see the “other side of the coin”, and you just delight me! You sure make us think, and as most of us are somewhere in these tangles, your insites are priceless! I would love to have conversations with you over a drink or coffee. I must call sometime!

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