Why aren’t people whose parents didn’t get along better at avoiding dysfunctional relationships themselves?

As the product of a dysfunctional household (back when it was still called a broken home), I often wonder if my upbringing is the part of the reason why I’m regularly misunderstood and can sometimes be hard to reach. Or maybe it’s genetic, and I’m the product of my parents who were themselves difficult partners.

Either way, shouldn’t people who are the product of bad relationships be better at avoiding the pitfalls of break-ups than those who aren’t? In reality, they can make worse partners than people from happy homes.

Why aren’t people who have known sadness better at avoiding it? You would think that people who know the warning signs could better avoid the pitfalls of depression or unhappy relationships.

For many years I commuted to work on a motorcycle, riding around the city where I lived. With alarming regularity, I would barely miss objects in the middle of the road.

Even in city traffic, if a large object was in my lane and I had noticed it a long way off, in plenty of time to react, I would head towards the obstacle rather than veer away to avoid it. I would be drawn towards it as if in some kind of tractor beam, before taking evasive action at the last moment.

One day I told a biker friend of mine about this and he smiled and nodded: “That’s because you’re looking at it.”

I looked at him: “Go on.”

“You are looking at the object you want to avoid,” he said. “Motorcycles are much more intuitive than cars and they will react to what you think. If you look at an object while you ride towards it and think ‘there’s a pipe in the road, look at that pipe, where should I go to not hit that pipe?’ then you’re going to ride straight for it. Focus on what you’re not going to do.”

He was right. I changed my outlook and I’ve been pipe-free ever since.

The trouble with worrying about making mistakes is the more you get it wrong, the bigger a deal it becomes. And the more you think you might get it wrong the more often you actually do.

Small example: I frequently mix up the words “dishwasher” and “washing machine”. It’s a butter-side-down thing because every time I get it wrong, that’s what sticks in my mind, and yes, I mess them up most of the time.

If I say to you: “don’t think of a blue monkey”, what’s the first thing that pops into your head?

Studying the consequences of past wrongs doesn’t help you one bit in avoiding suffering or hurting others. It may even draw you closer towards it.

You won’t steer clear of obstacles while you watch them loom towards you. You have to look where you’re going instead of where you’re trying to avoid. Figure out how you’re going to live and try to live that way.

All the rest is just pipes.

Are you addicted to the struggle and pain you grew up around? You’re not alone. Talk about it with others who can relate — and get some psychic insight!