October 15, 2011 at 5:00 am
He’s Gone, Get Over It
Mette from Oslo, Norway asks:
I was widowed almost 11 years ago. My husband and I had been together for 18 years at the time of his death. It took me seven years after he passed to even look at another man. I did find a man, and we had an on/off relationship for several years. Mostly sexual, but also quite endearing, and we were always good friends. We ended up parting, but still remain friends and keep in touch by texting now and then. He is in a serious relationship now, and I’m happy he has found someone. I don’t believe that we will ever be together again. My problem is I keep comparing men I meet with him… and nobody comes close. I’m not sure if I was actually ever in love with him, but I seem to be looking for a guy just like him! I know that it’s a stupid idea, but I kind of figure if I can’t have what I want, I don’t want what I can have. I don’t want to settle for something I consider less (sounds very arrogant I know!). How do I change my frame of mind?
I’m not sexually active at the moment, and it feels like I never will be again. I miss being intimate and having a partner more than the actual sex part of a relationship. Can you offer any advice or insight that might jerk me out of my slump? Tell me if you can see anything in the relationship department for me in the future, and give me advice on what I must do to create this future for myself. Read More
October 8, 2011 at 5:00 am
Why Do Men Say One Thing and Do Another?
Kari from San Diego, California asks:
First, I would like to say I think you are brilliant. You speak the truth no matter how unpleasant. And until we embrace the truth, little can be resolved. My question: Why do men say one thing and then do something different? For example, they pursue you full steam and then vanish without a word before anything develops, even a date. This happens to every woman I know. Are men that flaky or just afraid of being honest or are these men lacking integrity and maturity?
Greetings, Kari, and thank you so much for writing. Your inquiry is quite thought provoking. Any serious attempt to analyze this topic is bound to foster debate. It requires different levels and layers of explanation for clarity’s sake. The short answer to your last statement is yes… most men in Western culture suffer from a devastating case of arrested development. We utterly fail to foster male emotional maturity past the age of nine or ten, and generally encourage our men to remain children most of their lives. Read More
September 28, 2011 at 5:00 am
Sherry from Portland, Oregon asks:
Do men treat women differently for having been with other women, even if she still likes a man’s attention? Why do men get so upset at a woman for being with other women? Is there anything wrong with this, and how do you feel about this? I feel more at ease with women then I do men, but I still like men—just not to sleep with. What goes on inside a man’s head that gets them jealous when they find out the one woman they want to be with has slept with another woman?
Greetings, Sherry. At the root of this enigma lies the forbidden garden of female sexuality in its most natural form. The themes of lesbianism as well as the fearful and fascinated male reaction to it, have long been a grand motif in western art. Contemplation of your question can take us to the icy depths of masculine opportunism and the archetypal realms of patriarchal terror. It’s a complicated journey, but undertaking it we’re bound to make some ripe and vital observations. Read More
September 21, 2011 at 5:00 am
Helen from Virginia Beach, Virginia asks:
I am 53 years old and have just started experiencing orgasms. It’s all still a little unpredictable, and don’t occur every time, but when they do, well, it certainly is nice to find out what all the hubbub has been about!
When I was young, everything flowed so freely. Now, I haven’t been able to allow it to happen for about 30 years. I know that I have a lot of scars and that I have put up my mental roadblocks to pleasure, but after experiencing sex with someone I love so much I want to get everything I can get out of it on a more regular basis. My partner seems to have no trouble letting go and I find myself envious of that ability. What is wrong with me? How do I fix things at this late stage in my life? Will I be able to fix things?
I was always considered a rather “hot number” in my day and I want that passion back. Can you help me? Read More
September 14, 2011 at 5:00 am
Liam, you are so open and honest. I feel I have learned so much from you already. I love my husband, and am committed to him deeply, but I married him before I discovered my sexual being. I was afraid of it, didn’t know what I liked, or how often. Now that I am on that road to discovery, I find he is not with me. He seems comfortable and happy with where we are… how do I move forward while still respecting him and his desires? I’ve never thought about myself, and now it feels selfish to do so… I’m confused and frustrated. Please help?
Thank you so much for writing. I will certainly do my best help with this troubling situation. Your question really is very typical in theme. Yet whenever we delve deeper beneath the surface of emotions and motives, we find such rich soil. Nothing ‘typical’ at all below the veneer of socially imposed self. I have advised many women in your situation, and I’ve recommended many different forms of liberation, extraction and abandon… But there’s a big difference between one who comes to me in the throes of desperation so dire they fear they might very well collapse under the weight of their torment and one who comes to me because she’s bored to tears with her marriage. Read More
September 7, 2011 at 5:00 am
Hi Liam ext. 9290,
I love reading your articles—they’re very insightful and honest, which I respect. I’ve been with a man for three years now, and we love each other very much. He has brought out a side of me I never knew I had. I think I’m bisexual (although, in my heart, I prefer men). We brought a woman into our bedroom, and although it took a lot for me to see him intimate with another, we both had a great time and shared something that has brought us closer. My question is this… part of me believes he is bisexual too, but won’t explore it, and I’m wondering if I’m right about my feelings,and if it’s true, why won’t he won’t share it with me. I’m willing to, which he knows. I would never judge him as long as he is honest with me. Perhaps I’m wrong and he just gets a thrill out of watching she-male porn and playing with his imagination. He has shared his porn with me, and I find it exciting too. Can you enlighten me on this topic? Thank you. Read More
August 31, 2011 at 5:00 am
Stephanie from Alabama asks:
I’m having boy issues. Normally, I would be the type to avoid relationships and such. But now I’m confident, so I’m flirting with almost every guy I think is attractive. I think that I have a great personality and that I’m pretty, but at the same time it seems that all guys want nowadays is sex. Should I keep flirting with guys and not give them what they want or should I get the experience?
Greetings, Stephanie. First, let me congratulate you on your new-found interest in the game of amore. Confidence and self-respect are key to any sane and solid foray into the realm of romance. Without them one will flounder and fall prey to the jackals at every turn. It’s always best to work on one’s own self, before ever deciding to attempt to become part of a couple. And even when it comes to casual sex, it’s the hang ups, the insecurities and uncertainties left unexamined, that make a mess of everything. We all have fears and flaws, but a clear knowledge of your own issues will contribute a great deal to your ultimate success in any romantic endeavor. Good for you on having broken out of your cocoon in order to explore the possibilities. Read More
August 24, 2011 at 5:00 am
Tanya from Wyoming asks:
I’m married to my best friend, an amazing, kind, loving and supportive man. I couldn’t be luckier. I just can’t seem to feel my mojo anymore. Is it because I’m in my mid-forties or is there something my husband and I could be doing to help me get it back. I did have an affair that made me feel passionately alive, but I was guilt-ridden all the time, and finally this man had to end it—I’ve come out on the other side of my heartache, and I’m so grateful to still have my darling husband. I’m still left wishing for a boost to my libido, though.
Greetings, Tanya. Our modern concept of marriage is an ideology fraught with delusion. Somehow we crazy, big-brained monkeys have made things more ridiculously complicated than they ever needed to be. Marriage is an institution not at all in sync with our natural inclinations. Pair bonds are natural. They’re utilized for survival and to maximize the chances of the progeny. However, in the case of the human primate, it’s doubtful they started out as long-term agreements. Our natural mating cycles run in direct opposition to marriage as a lifetime agreement for a few very instinctive reasons. Nature is a cruel and vicious Lady; a man’s primary drive is to conquer and impregnate. His genetic agenda IS his only real concern. In times long gone, the majority of a man’s conquests would die bearing his offspring. Just putting someone in that position suggests a definite sort of sadism at work. On the woman’s side, she seeks a mate capable of winning and subduing. Even today, she takes a huge risk for the sake of genetic expression. The dance is dangerous, and it’s essentially over as soon as consummation is complete. What reason is there for more? It can take as little as one night, though scientists put an upward spin of three years on the instinctive cycle of mating; enough to put out a few babies. After that, we naturally lose interest and seek diversity. Read More