Red Responds

March 24, 2009 at 5:00 pm
By Psychic Red ext. 9226

Deb in Granville writes:

My Capricorn husband and I are in the midst of total chaos in our relationship. We seem to be headed toward a separation and divorce. After 20 years of living with the man that I felt was my best friend, advocate, father of our twin sons, and soulmate, I discovered a three year long Internet affair he’s involved with. He refuses to end the affair, won’t leave the house, and expects me to co-habitat with him until the economic climate improves or the twins graduate from high school – that’s five additional years of this!

Each night he talks to his new “love” in his bedroom. I’m able to hear a muffled conversation through the wall that separates us. It’s torturous. Sexually we were never passionate and what was there has waned over the years due to his verbally abusive and omnipotent communication style. In writing this I feel embarrassed at my choices to deal with this man for so long and under such conditions.

Is there any insight you can share as to the outcome of this most trying situation? I’ve already spoken to counsel and just want to see if there is an ounce of hope remaining that things could improve and be redeemed for this marriage and this distraught Aries woman.

Dear Deb,

Sometimes the only way out is through… even if it is less than pleasant. Fortunately, you have the strength and fire of a true Aries, which will assist you in head-butting your stubborn Capricorn out the door.

You have compassion toward your husband, which is quite admirable under the circumstances, but compassion is not the same as love. Without love, there is very little hope of redemption for your marriage. This doesn’t mean that it has to end – you could go on living together and sharing a level of partnership for years, but what really is the point? It has been a long time since this marriage has fully met your needs. You are just now coming out of denial, because you have a solid and acceptable reason.

While your husband is certainly behaving badly and selfishly, he isn’t the worst man on the planet. You recognize this, and his more positive qualities. There is nothing embarrassing about doing everything you can to keep your marriage and family intact, that too is quite brazen and admirable. However, now that you can no longer deny the faults and flaws that exist in your relationship, even for the sake of family and stability, the Aries in you is pushing you to deal with it head-on - swiftly, and with more acceptance and less regret.

You are a strong woman, and you know what you must do. Currently, you technically are separated from your husband, except you aren’t allowed to live your life with the freedoms that usually are a part of separation and divorce. Your husband, however, does. The phone calls may be torture, but it is going to get worse as he becomes more forward with his extramarital relationship, behaving less and less like your husband and partner. Now that the truth is out, he has less to hide, and will continually become less respectful of the relationship he shares with you.

There is always financial concerns and upheaval when a relationship breaks apart, regardless of the state of the economy. This is something your husband may not like, but is going to have to deal with.

Your kids don’t really want the two of you to split up, but even though both you and your husband do what you can to protect them from your relationship chaos, your kids aren’t immune to what is going on. Whether you are living together as a family or in separate spaces, your boys will still graduate with both of their parents watching. They can spend the next five years in confusion, watching things ebb and flow from strained peace to loud arguments and unhappiness as an “intact” family (plus one) - or they will adjust to a new sense of family dynamic, that involves two homes.

Each avenue has its rewards and challenges - neither is stereotypically ideal, but your boys will handle it. All of you are going to suffer a sense of loss if you separate and divorce in a traditional manner. Currently, three of you are already suffering a sense of loss and confusion, while your husband is exerting control and power that keeps his world a bit more complete and sane. This dynamic is hardly healthy, righteous, or fair.

Every way I look at it, your marriage is going to end in divorce. The “when” is something you can control, the “how” is something you can guide. The outcome, however, brings order out of chaos – something that you crave and deserve.

Good luck!
Red
Ext. 9226

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March 22, 2009 at 5:00 pm
By Psychic Red ext. 9226

Kitty in Butte writes:

I lost my oldest son at the early age of 39 from a brain stem embolism and until his death I always knew that good people that died always went home to God. Even though my son was a wonderful, son, father and friend I have lost the belief he is safe with God. How can I change my thinking? I was always a church going person and now cannot go to church at all. I say I am not angry at God, so what is my problem? Depression has hit me and I know that, have sought help for it, but still am not at peace.

Dear Kitty,

It is good that you are working with others to understand and conquer your depression. You’re not on an easy road, but you are making progress, so keep up the good work!

There is a huge difference between being angry and having trust. You don’t have to be angry at God, or the church, to find yourself in a place questioning exactly what your belief system is built on. Knowing that death is part of life and that some kind of transition takes place is part of being human. We expect and accept that we are going to lose people we love in our life, and hear of the losses others endure. We are taught that there is a reward for those who die, such as the entrance into a Heaven and into the loving, protective arms of a God.

But, the loss of your son has shaken those beliefs in you, because all that you thought you knew is based on faith. Since your son’s death – you have no proof that any of it exists, or that your beliefs are correct. All you have is a scientific explanation of why your son’s body failed to keep functioning, and that doesn’t soothe your pain or your soul. You are a Mother, a loving one at that, and just as you worried about your boy when he was on this plane, it is understandable that your concerns for his well-being would be heightened now that he is not.

A day will come when you will find yourself going back to church, but until that day comes, it’s okay. You aren’t ready for it. You can’t bring yourself to walk through the doors of a building that praises God’s glory, love and protection, when that same God has seemingly failed you by not protecting your son in life - permitting a seemingly senseless and premature death. That alone is a very solid reason to question if this same God is protective of and more attentive to those who have died. Being taught that people are made in God’s image promotes the idea that God, even though supposedly omnipotent and ethereal, is overwhelmingly human. We lose faith and trust in the people that hurt or fail us, and when thinking of God as a being in humanistic terms, we are also inclined to have that same humanistic response.

To go to church right now to praise and worship would make you a hypocrite, and that is something you can’t endure. But this is now, and these feelings, and lack of feelings, are a response to your overwhelming pain. Even though you say you aren’t mad at God, (years of faith and training trigger this illusion) you are angry. Truthfully and understandably, you are mad as hell. It’s okay – God gets it.

I can tell you that your son wasn’t ready to leave this world, but that he is accepting that he has. I can also tell you that he is still a very warm and loving energy, with witty sense of humor and a very strong sense of right and wrong. I can tell you that where he is, he is safe and protected, and no longer bound by the same restrictions or lack of knowledge that he experienced when he was alive. His existence is now very different, but that he exists more fully and completely than he ever did on the Earth plane.

Even though I can get some messages and information from those who have passed, and I do see the physical manifestations of many spirits who come to visit, I am no Medium nor do I channel - but I would like to encourage you to contact someone who is. Angel (9266) or Miss. Krystal (9192) who are amazingly skilled and talented with directly connecting with those who have died.

Through someone with those talents, you can be put more directly in touch with your son, and this can help you to start to find your peace. When you know, not just hope and theorize, that your son is okay, you will once again tap into your relationships with God and the Church, and it will give you strength. Your views of both may be forever changed, but the center of your soul remains the same… you still are a woman of faith.

I am so sorry for your loss. You may not see him, but your son still sees you.

I hope this helps.
Red
Ext. 9266

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March 19, 2009 at 5:00 pm
By Psychic Red ext. 9226

Ann in Leicester writes:

I have been in a relationship with a lovely man for eight months now – we get on extremely well and are planning to move in together. However, about four months into the relationship his ex contacted him – he says they are over and his future is with me. He is very attentive and I spend every weekend with him and a couple of evenings during the week. I just get a bit of a niggle that it’s not quite over and don’t know how to deal with it. Is it my insecurity?

Dear Ann,

It can be challenging to be completely trusting when an old lover reappears, and issues of insecurity are bound to pop up.

Your boyfriend is sincere when he tells you that he believes his future is with you. Even though he still talks with this other woman from time to time, he is not trying to re-create anything romantically with her. Their shared history is a bit turbulent, but they somehow have managed to keep positive feelings toward each other, which has created a level of friendship. So while this may not be the most comfortable scenario from your position, he is being honest with you regarding how he feels.

It is going to be difficult for you to get the level of reassurance from him that would put your mind at ease. Even though he is focused on the future the two of you are building, he is also very reluctant to completely remove his ex from your world. This is the source of your insecurities, because we all want someone who will love us and put us above all others.

Even though it is challenging to express your concerns and feelings about his old relationship and its impact on your shared relationship, you need to be honest about your fears. This can be a fairly touchy topic between the two of you, but left unaddressed, your suspicions and insecurities are more likely to grow than fade. You must be mindful in your presentation of your concerns not to come across as too insecure or untrusting. That would only cause your man to become frustrated, and he will fail to clarify things in a manner that helps to put your mind at ease. This is as much about gaining a deeper understanding of your man as it is about learning how the two of you communicate, and give and receive the loving support each of you need.

Your boyfriend honestly isn’t betraying you in any form with his ex, but your instincts are alerting you to be cautious with how you handle this relationship and your future. You need to pay attention to that. While your relationship is presenting as pretty honest and strong, your intuition is guiding you to test and deepen the bonds you have created to ensure that you will receive the level of love and support from this man that you desire and deserve. Talking through a problem, particularly an emotional one, can cause a rift or strengthen a union. You intuitively want to test your man and relationship before you take the huge step of living together. This may be scary, but it is also wise.

I can tell you all day long that there is great potential with this relationship, and that you have found a decent and honorable man – but the reassurances I can offer you mean far less than the reassurance you can gain by talking with him.

Good luck!
Red
Ext. 9226

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March 17, 2009 at 5:00 pm
By Psychic Red ext. 9226

Wayne in La Ronge writes:

My wife and I are separated right now but live in the same house. We have two boys one is 13 and the other is nine. I just need to know if my family is going to fall apart or is there a chance of us getting back together and how long do you think that would be? She is seeing someone that is 16 years younger than her. He is 22 and she is 38. I am desperate to win her heart back. Please help me.

Dear Wayne,

“I’m very sorry, but it looks as if there are more struggles ahead for your family. Even though all of you are living under the same roof, your wife’s actions are creating a level of tension that will continue to disrupt what was once a happy home.”

Although her ultimate happiness is up to her, not you, your wife hasn’t been happy with your marriage, or many aspects of her life, for a couple of years now. It is almost as if she is rebelling against everything she believes has been holding her down or back. Again, this is not your doing, it is hers.

For the time being, she does find joy and solace with her younger man. He makes her feel free and alive. This is an affair, but not one that is going to last forever. Currently, she is using her affair as an escape and an emotional band-aid. While there are aspects of this relationship that do make her feel better, there are also some aspects that make her feel worse. You have a very conflicted and confused woman on your hands, and it is going to take her awhile to sort things through and figure things out.

It is hard to be separated and still living together. I know there are family and financial reasons at play, but it is very challenging to try and live independently while still sharing common space. Because of this arrangement, your wife is not fully experiencing the impact of what life really would be like if she were to more fully separate from you and the boys. Right now, you are being as accommodating as you can, and it is essentially working out favorably for her – but maybe not for you in the long run.

I know you love her, and that you want what is best for your family, but things aren’t going to calm down and come together quickly. You can’t “win back” your wife’s heart - you have to allow her the freedom to discover that she wants to give it to you. Even though it will be hard and painful, withdraw a bit from her and focus more on yourself and your kids. It is only after you have come to terms with the fact that your marriage, as you know it, is over that your wife seems to find that spark of interest in saving it once again.

This is going to be quite the chaotic year for your family, but things should start to settle down sometime in November. Prepare yourself for the worst, my friend. Even though you ultimately can keep your family together, your marriage is going to remain troubled for quite some time.

I’m very sorry.
Red
Ext. 9226

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March 15, 2009 at 5:00 pm
By Psychic Red ext. 9226

Nancy in Sarasota writes:

I have been involved in a romantic relationship for 10 months with a man that was also my design client. He was separated from his wife and going through his divorce. He and I seemed to share a very real and deep connection. Lately he has been very distant and withdrawing. Just a few days ago, I caught him having lunch with his assistant, (16 years younger than he is), and her suitcases were in his bedroom, (she came in from out of town for meetings).

He denied everything to me, saying that she is just his employee, but all the signs were there for me to know that he was cheating on me with her. In losing him, I am losing someone I have waited years to find, as well as a source of income for me - and as a self-employed person, it is very difficult. I am heartbroken. He told me he was trying to find a way to give me the committment that I deserved even though he was not fully ready. I deeply feel that he is a liar and has played me. I told him that I loved him, and that I felt he was “the one,” so naturally I feel devastated with my realizations.

Dear Nancy,

Your guy screwed up. There is nothing that can be said or done to change that, but how you look at him from this point forward is up to you.

The two of you do have a significant connection, and the bonds you built together are still presenting as strong. Even though you are very hurt by his betrayal, a lot of love still burns brightly underneath your anger and pain. That love means that this relationship is salvageable… if you think it is worth saving.

Your ex didn’t go to great lengths to hide his indiscretions because he just assumed you implicitly trusted him. The thing with his assistant is “no big deal” in his mind, so he didn’t put a whole lot of thought or strategy into hiding it. Granted, he didn’t expect to get caught, but it also is somewhat of a relief. Your discovery gives him a plausible reason for him to end his intimate relationship with his assistant, and also changed the nature of the relationship he shares with you. He isn’t lying when he tells you that he wants to give you the commitment you deserve - he just isn’t ready.

Things came together very quickly between the two of you, and that was uncomfortably overwhelming to him. Because he does have feelings for you and didn’t want to hurt you, he allowed himself to become swept up in this relationship. Ever since your painful revelation, he has felt free to be more honest with you than he has in months.

I know you feel betrayed, played, and devastated. You have every right to. But, if you really feel that this man is “the one,” then maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to completely dismiss him. From a psychic perspective, the two of you can achieve a very solid and happy relationship. In essence, he is one of your possible life mates. This means you have to make a choice. You can work through these issues with him to create a happy future, or you can let him go and eventually another powerful connection will be made with a man whom you have yet to meet. Either way, you aren’t done hurting right now.

If you sincerely believe that this man is nothing more than a liar and a cheat, and all of the good qualities and characteristics that drew you to him was part of his game, then there really isn’t much to think about. It’s pretty clear that you should walk away. On the other hand, forgiveness sometimes is synonymous with love. Just because you aren’t ready to forgive him right now, part of you wants to. Part of you is still drawn to him, still has hope in spite of wanting a bit of vengeance.

Not everything we go through in life is the gift or curse of destiny and fate. Our decisions often times shape and reshape our future. While I can’t tell you what you ultimately will decide to do, I can tell you that this man is sincere about trying to build that bridge back to the relationship. Your fate rests on your decision whether or not to let him try to heal this relationship, followed by whether or not you join in and help him. As of right now it looks like the two of you will find a way to come back together, but because this outcome is one of free-will choice, there is still the chance that you will change your mind.

I hope this helps.
Red
Ext. 9226

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March 12, 2009 at 5:00 pm
By Psychic Red ext. 9226

Karen in San Antonio writes:

I have stayed in a married relationship for 35 years. Although I love him dearly, I’m not in love with him anymore. He used to be physically abusive but he changed that behavior and hasn’t struck me for more than 15 years now. He’s a good man, works hard, but we’ve never had a fullfilling sex life. He’s never wanted to make love and for the most part, we’ve had a lack of sexual intimacy all our married life. Now, I feel like I’m married to a roommate. I don’t know what to do. I’m financially dependent on him. I’m miserable. What’s in store for me? I need some hope.

Dear Karen,

I really wish I could wave a magic wand and fill your world with joy, but all I can do is tell you what I see. Unfortunately, what I am seeing isn’t necessarily going to fill your heart with hope.

Your husband, even though he adores you, just isn’t rating high on the libido scale. Unfortunately, there isn’t a whole lot you can do to change this, particularly because he doesn’t see the lack of intimacy as a huge problem. In his mind, he is being a good husband to you. He doesn’t see or understand the loneliness you feel. He is content with your roommate-like relationship.

The two of you have managed to stay together all of this time, with many levels of problems throughout the years, and that history is very hard to walk away from. Even though you think about it, I’m not seeing divorce around you. I also don’t see you having an affair, meaningful or otherwise, to fill the void that is causing your misery.

Here is the big problem: What are you willing to do in order to find happiness?

Because you aren’t leaving your husband of your own free will, he sees no reason to leave you, and there is no mysterious man storming in to pave your way out with rose petals made of gold, your options are appearing as limited.

While you may not be in love with your husband the way you once were, you do care for and about him. While this may not seem like much in your current state of mind, it is something. From what I am seeing, somewhere within the depth of these feelings is a tiny seed of hope. It is up to you to find it. When you do, use it to change your circumstances. Be happy with the things in your life that are good, and try to improve the things that are not.

I know you feel as if you have tried all that you can think of to change your husband. That’s part of the problem – he is who he is, and he’s not going to change. However, he doesn’t want you to be miserable. Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you are lonely, unhappy in the relationship, and feeling unwanted as a woman because of your lack of a sex life. Tell him that you don’t feel the way you once did about him, but you want to recapture – or try to – the love you once felt.

This is a conversation that will leave him dumbfounded, so be very careful how you present it. This is about finding solutions, not creating defensiveness and arguments. You may want to talk to a doctor or therapist first, in order to help you prepare, and give you the strength and support to follow through. If you don’t trust yourself, or him, to get through this serious of a conversation, then consider writing him a letter. Some how, some way, what you are going through needs to come out.

You can continue to do nothing and go along with things as you have been, but nothing is going to change. However, if you involve yourself, and eventually your husband, with a doctor or therapist, your husband’s sex-drive problems can become less apparent thanks to the wonders of modern medicine.

Brightest Blessings!
Red
Ext. 9226

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March 10, 2009 at 5:00 pm
By Psychic Red ext. 9226

Angel in Somerset writes:

I have been through a difficult period workwise. I spent three years working for a degree which burnt me out and my first job was a disaster - I left after a year because I was very unhappy, stressed and physically unwell and felt I needed to recuperate. The problem is that I am now aware that there is a lot of criticism around me and although I cannot get the evidence to do anything about this I am worried about obtaining further employment. I have had time to reflect on the last four years and see the mistakes I have made, although I am not being so hard on myself as not to see that circumstances have not been ideal for me either. I am ready to move forward… Do you see any job opportunities coming for me in the near future? Do I have any more obstacles to get over or are these just a figment of my imagination?

Dear Angel,

Life is never without obstacles, but I’m not seeing any tremendous ones in your immediate future. The most challenging issue that circles around you still seems to be rooted in your self-esteem. While there is some criticism around you, your perception seems to amplify the reality. You know what they say about opinions… everybody has one. However, the opinion that matters most is the one you have about yourself.

In terms of employment, things are looking a bit thin around you. While this is a challenge, it doesn’t have to be an obstacle. You would fare much better if you worked with a career counselor. I’m seeing you enlisting the aid of a professional woman who seems to have some “inside scoop” with the job market, and who will focus on your strengths rather than your history. She also will be able to reconstruct your resume, which will be of great benefit for any job hunting you choose to do on your own.

Things look as if they will develop slowly around you, but don’t give up. You should be working by mid-June. While this job may not fully utilize your education and experience, it is in your field. With time, there is the possibility of promotion or advancement, but initially it is more of an entry-level position. Try and keep in mind that sometimes what appears to be a step back can turn out to be a golden opportunity.

You’ve come a long way, and things will continue to get better as you become stronger and more confident. Continue to be gentle with yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Keep moving forward, one step at a time, and you will get yourself and your life where you want it to be.

Good luck!
Red
Ext. 9226

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March 8, 2009 at 5:00 pm
By Psychic Red ext. 9226

Chandan in London writes:

I’m dating this guy, we are good friends, love spending time together and have fun. But we both don’t see this going anywhere and we don’t want a relationship out of this. I think this is because I’m more guarded now with guys. I was seeing this guy last year and I really liked him, I truly felt connected to him and he was someone I saw myself getting into a relationship with but he felt he wasn’t ready and I was fine with taking things slower.

We carried on seeing each other but then he just backed off and stopped all contact with me without giving me any reason. I didn’t contact him and then I find out from a mutual friend that he is going out with someone else. So he told me he didn’t want a relationship yet went off with someone else. It didn’t last long and they broke up after a month but he moved on to someone else after that. Before him there was another guy who basically said he wasn’t ready for a relationship as he had no job and no money but I just found out he got engaged recently and he still doesn’t have a job. So basically is it just me that’s the problem? Do guys think I’m okay for a bit of fun but not good enough to be in a relationship?

Dear Chandan,

If you are doing something that is causing the men in your life to seek out other women for a relationship, I’m not seeing it. It more or less looks as if you just haven’t met the right man, yet.
You seem to be able to attract and connect with a variety of guys, rather than pinpointing a specific “type.” While the men who have come (and gone) have enjoyed their time with you, I’m not getting the sense that you have allowed yourself to be used by them, but you can reach a little far when trying to please and accommodate them. Sometimes, you come across as being just too nice.

While you would think that some extra effort and understanding would be appreciated, sometimes it is those very traits that remove a little bit of the thrill of the pre-relationship process. It’s good that you are willing to compromise, but don’t be afraid to more clearly express what you want!

Just because two people get along well and have a bit of chemistry doesn’t always mean that both parties are ready to take the relationship to the next level. The men from your past may not have wanted, or been prepared to take on the responsibility of a more committed relationship when they were seeing you, but that isn’t a reflection of you. It is just their path. I know it can feel a bit like you are the one preparing these guys for the next woman, the one they will commit to, but there is some woman out there who will be having those same thoughts when “her” guy moves on and commits to you.

Some people have many committed relationships during their lifetimes, and others only have a few. You fall into the latter category. While you will date and enjoy the company and attention of several guys, I’m really only seeing two committed relationships for you in this lifetime. Both of these relationships do result in marriage, so you will be experiencing the ultimate levels of commitment.

Good luck!
Red
Ext. 9226

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