Break the Cycle of Self-Defeat

January 7, 2011 at 11:00 am

Dump That Loser!

Why are we holding on to people who obviously don’t do us any good? Why do we feel that knowing someone for a long period of time, or being in a relationship with someone, binds us to hold on to them for dear life, even when they are detrimental to our own well-being and self-worth? Somehow most of us seem to believe that we can’t do any better, or worse, don’t deserve any better.

Breaking the cycle of self-defeat and misery is hard to do but not impossible. So here are a few points that should help you make a decision to finally let the tool canoe sail away and start a new life, tool-free and happy.

1. Dishonesty

It seems obvious that we shouldn’t spend time and space with people who lie to us. But dishonesty comes in many different forms and there are not all blatant lies. Another form of dishonesty is withholding; which, by the way, equals going behind your back. Some people argue they did it to “protect you.” Well, dishonesty never protects anyone and a partner or friend who cannot be straight with you is not worth holding on. Obviously, there are different levels of severity here. But a person who consistently chooses to lie or withhold from you is plain and simple engaging in tool-sheddery, not protecting you!

2. Abusive

Most people don’t seem to understand that abuse does not necessarily only consist of physical violence. Abuse comes in many shapes or forms. Let me make it clear to you: any deliberate attack on your being is abuse! This includes people who love to embarrass you in front of others with demeaning remarks, which they then disguise as “humor,” attacking you for being too sensitive. Abuse is always about power, so if you ever wonder if something is abuse or not, consider the following: Is the goal of a person’s actions or words to put you down/dismiss you/hurt you or dominate you, in order for them to feel better about themselves, look good in front of others, or feel in control? If the answer is “yes,” it’s time to run.

3. Disloyal

Anyone who claims to be your true friend or partner will have your back in life! This is what distinguishes them from merely being an acquaintance. Loyalty does not mean that one has to agree with you all the time (this is where number one comes in again!), but it does mean standing by you in good and bad times. This includes certain rules such as not sleeping with your ex and not playing both sides, i.e. hanging out and engaging with those who have hurt you deeply. A person who loves you will stand up for you. They’ll help you fight your battles when you need help fighting them, and they won’t allow anyone to badmouth you or harm you, present or not! Disloyal people should always be eliminated from one’s life, because they cannot be true partners or friends. Why? Because they are not trustworthy, and their own self-interest will always win out over doing the right thing, or the minor detail of being your friend!

4. No Integrity

Integrity incorporates much more than being honest and loyal, because it’s about consistent actions, morals, values, principles and expectations. Integrity is the very opposite of hypocrisy, and a true virtue. Integrity is the most important trait within a human being, and anyone who does not have this trait should be avoided.

5. Self-Centered

Not all selfish people act in ways that make them appear selfish at first glance. Hence, I’m not going to mention the obvious signs, but the hidden ones. Being self-centered includes anything and everything done for one’s own gain, advantage or pleasure, without any consideration for another. It’s as simple as that. An example would be someone who consistently puts your wishes aside to do something they want to do, regardless of how it makes you feel. I’m going to add an extreme example. My ex stood me up the day after I got released from the ER, claiming he had fallen asleep after work, when in fact he was at home all night playing World of Warcraft.

Obviously, there’s a common denominator here. Most people who refuse to let go of those who no longer serve them, or who harm them, seem to believe that they can’t do any better, or deserve no better. Anyone with true self-respect and self-esteem would not engage, and keep spending time and space with those who don’t deserve it. So if you’re one of those who finds himself/herself surrounded by insensitive pricks, selfish, rude and spineless jerks, or cheating and lying partners, it’s time to re-evaluate your life and re-discover your own self-worth.

You do deserve better, and you are no less or more important than those who keep disrespecting, ignoring and abusing you. Time does not equal ownership or entitlement. You don’t owe love, friendship, kindness or favors to anyone, just because you’ve known them for a while. Any partnership and friendship takes two to tango. You cannot succeed in creating lasting and intimate bonds with those who are neither capable, nor interested in the same. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone messes up, but the aforementioned points need to be taken seriously, if they are showing up consistently! There’s a difference between a one-time slip and a behavioral pattern. So if you want to live a tool-free life, go ahead and dump that loser. Trust me, there is better and healthier out there for you.

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32 Responses to “Break the Cycle of Self-Defeat”

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  1. celine February 1, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    u see idk if his liying or cheating on me or not he gos a lont time without talking to my and when i get him on the phone he says his ben busy working on a vedio game like i said idk if his liying or nt and a nother thing i also got a call saying that he is cheating but he has told me he has crazy exes and all that and when i confrunted him about the call he said it was a lie what should i do?!?!?!?!


  2. sanaya October 31, 2011 at 6:59 am

    i loved this article when i read it, but i still dont know where i stand in my relationship. i have made my mistakes but i do really love him. he really hasnt done anything wrong for me to think that hes lying or cheating, i just feel it in my gut. its a sickning feeling i have that he using me and i should leave him..i just dont know, im afraid to make the wrong choice


  3. Sheila October 25, 2011 at 12:47 am

    I date a guy for 5 years off & on, he claimed to be a Pastor, this man gives rude,lying,deceitful, & cheating a new meaning, he cheated on me three times, I kept forgiving him but I had it with him, he would make fun of me,would not respond to my calls or text that because he would be with some else he would have his mother cover up his cheating, The second time he was seeing someone else, she text me while I was in the hospital and said she think I seeing her man! She told me places they go to eat, same places he & I would go,he introduce her to his mother & children, I had never met his children he get them some weekens,I let him go finally it was hard,why I held on to him for so long I never know, I very happy now, so much peace & joy in my life now, I do get lonely but it doesnt last long & its not often


  4. Felecia October 22, 2011 at 5:56 am

    Great articles to all.! I say great because everything that has been mentioned about relationships and marriages; I am experiencing it all now in my relationship. However, just lastnight I ended it and told him I don’t want anymore dealings with him because I think it is time that I rekindle and change the path of my life. Reluctantly, I made the mistake and called him about 2hrs after he had left my home. I am so in love with this man, but at the same time I have the strength and courage to move on; its just that he’s been having to deal with a rather difficult personal issue on his job and I just don’t want it to look like I’m running out on him during this difficult time. My gut feeling has been telling me for quite some time that its something going on with him & it was way before the personal issue he’s having to deal with come about. But, deep down I know that I can walk away & not turn back because I said things to him that I wouldn’t have ever imagined saying to him, and I did because I was speaking out of my hurting heart and mostly I feel betrayed because I am constantly asking him if he sure this is what he want & if he really wants to be with me and I get the answer I’m good-you’re who I want.
    So, would I be wrong to leave while he having to deal with such a difficult situation at work?


  5. vickie monet October 20, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    i have been married 4 eight years and cant take his shit any more dont know know what 2 do now he said moving out dont know when he is


  6. Candace October 20, 2011 at 7:22 am

    Well I was in a relationship for over 11 years and I decided to stay… It was my worst mistake I have ever made… I got hurt worse then ever… my issue is that my 3 beautiful daughters watched me through it all… I was lied too, cheated on with all sorts of different woman exspecially my neighbour which was my friend and yes I did help her all the time she was my FRIEND I thought, I was physically abused, emotionally abused and did not have a life…. Today I can honestly say It is hard for me to get out there and try again but I know it will happen in good time when the pain has passed, the anger passes, and the feelings of loss is gone…. I want him in bed to cuddle me, or just to hear his voice or touch him BECAUSE I LOVED HIM…. and would do anything for him honestly… I can honestly say I will find better when the time is right because I can commit and I know what I actually want in someone now! So for all who stuggles with loss there is a reason a lesson to learn and a way for you to learn something about yourself…. I can breath and live life to my fullest….


  7. Julia October 19, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    Take heart Mariah… it’s not the end of the world… as I said in my previous comment, I also went through the grieving phase and on hindsight, it was very good as it’s like grieving for the dead and eventually letting go of all the feelings and the energies that I shared with him. Believe me, you’d be like new again after you’ve completely and totally let go of all those emotions that are bringing you down at the moment.
    Base on experience, the more we forgive an abusive partner, the more abusive they become. And to reiterate, there are thousands of gorgeous others waiting to be discovered, no need to put up with the drop kicks.


  8. mariah October 19, 2011 at 8:21 am

    my heart hurts i dont know what im feeling inside me right now,
    i wonder if i did the right thing to save myself from being hurt,
    or if i really messed up and shouldve gave him a second chance
    i hate the feeling that i have right now and i wish that i ould just erase what he did
    from my memory, if only it was that easy it feels like every thing happens to me at the worst times i honestly dont know what to do anymore!!!!


  9. Babs October 19, 2011 at 2:00 am

    Omg…Just when I thought I was alone out there. My husband of 15 yrs. has been cheating with someone from work. Although he denies it and I don’t have the smoking gun, I know in my gut what I feel. The ladies here express some if the same behaviors my husband is exhibiting. Plus time sheets that don’t add up, late hours at work not reflected on his timesheets, removing my ability to check the cell calls on our account. Pretend job interviews on Saturday nite in Channelside party central. This man never took me out gave me 300.00 for groceries every 3-4 mths for 4 adults, listened to everything Mommy said, and was a social pirriha. He also hit on every female friend that I had playin handsys and play fighting. I won’t be disrespected any longer in filing for a divorce, and because I don’t work outside the home he will have to pay for it. Im done being a footstool!!!


  10. Julia October 18, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    Thanks for the article – it’s so spot on. I must admit that at the time it was happening – that is, when I was still in that relationship I also didn’t want to let go. I kept givng it another chance and then another. Lucky I finally saw the light after going through the grieving phase, then forgave myself for not seeing earlier and moved on. He said I’d never find another one like him – thank God! I’d never want another one like him. If there are thousands of gorgeous women out there like he says, there are just as many or maybe even more gorgeous men, I said. So off I went. Not easy, mind you but I’m so glad I did. I’m now with someone who’s so marvelously sensitive to my needs, loyal and oh so adorable!


  11. debra October 18, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    I do know what its like JoJo :( I left my abusive marriage after 16 years. I work long hours doing manual labor (husband did not want me to work, no college degree) to pay my bills. I get just a little child support and nothing else. I have peace, I have my dignity and I have hope for a better future. I have one daughter. Things will get better for you….believe. The RIGHT man is out there. We are strong and worthy JoJo…..never doubt it.


  12. New Mexican October 18, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    I am a recovering addict of these men..I now refuse to spend time with people who do not deserve my company or affection. I only think the article is one thing short..Your the type of person that has such a large heart and faith in people you think your affection can change them. Ladies you can not love him into being a better man. Wont happen. Try to find the love youe deserve..”UNCONDITIONAL”..without control.


  13. jojo October 18, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    I struggle everyday with this type of man. I married an abuser and had 5 children with him I feel trapped and wonder when how I will ever get away. He uses money and power to keep us here I left him and I had to rely on food stamps, food bank and other means to raise my kids. I am forever and always stuck in this ugly mess. I will never reap benefits of a healthy relationship. I appreciate everyones comments until you are in the situation you have no idea how dark things can become


  14. Debra Steinfink October 18, 2011 at 8:47 am

    I even called his ex Ginger to verify that he was seeing her and to see if she knew he had a girlfriend. Sure enough he told her he wasn’t with me anymore and she verified all the times they were together. When I confronted him he still denied it and said I was crazy and made exscuses for the things I have found. And I still stayed with him. I will never do this again. As a result of me staying, Lonnell didn’t respect me and knew he could totally get away with this because I caught him many times and I still stayed. It was only when I left once that he begged me to come back. Like an idiot I did. I hope someone reads this and it helps them to not get in a situation like this!


  15. Debra Steinfink October 18, 2011 at 8:41 am

    Great article! Bottom line is you have to go with your gut!!! I met a guy in June this Summer and just broke up with him two weeks ago. From the beginning my gut told me he was cheating and lying. But I chose to ignore my gut instincts. I even had proof that he was still seeing his ex because I saw all the texts in his phone and the call history. He even had naked pictures on his computer that girls sent him from their phone. After catching him he still denied it and gave me all kinds of exscuses. I didn’t want to believe it because when we were together I had so much fun! Besides I don’t know when he had time to see Ginger because we were always together. But remember they always find the time!!! I thought that being with him was making me happy, but the reality is I have never been so unhappy! He made me doubt myself, my intellect, and my self esteem. I finally had to walk away because this was consuming me. They will never change!!! Don’t wait around thinking they will because I know from just going through this they won’t!!! It is hard these days because I am hurt, but I am stronger mentally and physically not dealing with him! Even if Lonnell was with a supermodel he would still cheat on her because he is a cheater and a player!!!


  16. Madeleiene October 18, 2011 at 7:41 am

    I have printed this and will read it daily…Thank you!


  17. JVL October 18, 2011 at 6:09 am

    This article left out one important reason: substance abuse. When a partner is spending all the resources of a family on his/her self-gratification through alcohol, drugs, or even a personal interest (my ex bankrupted us on his “hobbies” of off-roading, rock-climbing, and cave exploration in exotic locations around the globe), it’s time to give them a reality check in the form of a summons.

    Life is so much better when you are in charge of your own destiny, and not at the whim of someone who beats you/your children, belittles you in public, and is a profligate spender on his/her own egocentrism.


  18. Tina October 18, 2011 at 3:21 am

    What timing this is! This all so true about a person that does me this way almost always! No more ! Thank you for the push I needed!


  19. faiz October 18, 2011 at 2:02 am

    amazing article. i am a man dumped by a woman and fits me perfectly. i am going to follow it and forget about her. it will be tough but i can do it.
    thanks for such a powerful and convincing article on the issue.


  20. Sameena Hussain January 10, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    I love every word in this artical .

  21. Carmen Hexe
    Carmen Hexe January 10, 2011 at 10:33 am

    @Tray: Well, I have to shamefully report that I did NOT dump the guy after he left me in the ER! No, I continued trying to “safe” him for another 5 months, until HE dumped me at the Halloween party of my best friend. But, I did learn and he was the catalyst to examine my decision making process.

    @Tina35: Yes, there is the price of loneliness. I have lost almost all my friends. But the ones that remained are the ones who are not only well worth it, but also the ones who keep me real and inspire me to grow as a person. I found that happiness lies in quality, not quantity and I am lucky that I still have less than a handful of people, including my husband, who are truly making my life better.

    @Miss Krystal: I am already on it ;-)

  22. misskrystal
    misskrystal January 10, 2011 at 7:39 am

    PS- it’s when we start to NOT allow it, that something deep inside of us is changing.
    Listen to yourself-be honest with yourself….even if some of your loved ones do not approve..You are the one that has to live with it! Not them…We must be willing and wanting to walk away….If not, it’s time to start accepting them as they are….Miss Krystal

  23. misskrystal
    misskrystal January 10, 2011 at 7:31 am

    Carmen, thanks for a wonderful article.
    What do you suggest to people who know what you are saying, but STILL would rather stay in something like that than be alone?

    This could be a great motivational piece for someone who is starting to change, and begins the first stages of, “Out growing their so/so relationship”-But the important thing to remind people, when about to “Dump” the “So/So” partner-make sure you are realistic about being alone….Not everyone handles being alone the same. Honest to God, some people would rather cope and put with up some junk than to be alone. This is where I can’t judge, as a reader….At that point, I help the person not get caught up in the drama, and avoid haste, as well creating more peace for themself per their situation.

    We have to be ready to walk away and feel good about it….We have to listen to ourself and be honest with ourself, that it is possible that we will deal with issues of lonliness-That is why you have to listen to yourself-
    Honestly, the key is to get your, “Gut full” and sometimes, you do-and sometimes you don’t….But as long as we are honest, with yourself, for example, “He ignores me a lot in the house” –you can be at more peace within yourself-Ask yourself, “Am I just going to accept this and make the best out of it” OR, “I can’t see myself ten years from now living like this, okay, I need to set some goals and here and make some changes, I am miserable.”

    Nevertheless, I see more and more people, every week, accepting a lot of things they wished that were not present about their relationship.

    Truth is, at least from what I see out there, the person has to want to leave.

    Well done, article, once again, Carmen. Thanks.
    Miss Krystal

    If we allow it, trust me, it’s a lot easier trying to make the best out of it…


  24. Lisa Gorman Miller January 9, 2011 at 1:13 am

    This is a fantastic article. You really got this right on Carmen. Getting through life one day at a time can be a struggle enough, love and relationships are hard work, these types of relationships lead you down the road of despair and devastation. It’s best to leave as soon as you suspect that this is the kind of person you are attached to. I recently ended an eight year relationship that consisted of everything written in this article. It took me so long to go because I loved this man and believed that he was capable of change, I was blind. The truth is, they don’t change and the pattern will continue until you either break it or worse, possibly die because of it. I made the decision to take back control of my life and am allowing myself to just be alone for now. I am happier than I have ever been and I am so excited at my second chance at life, the next partner I have will be everything I deserve and more…someday! Thanks Again, Lisa Miller


  25. lieyna January 8, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Great article!!! I’ve been in a relationship where my partner cheated me and the worst thing is he still keep in touch with her ex!! I found out through his email and smses. I feel betrayed while he doesn’t seems guilty at all. He done lots of things behind my back and now i am thinking whether its worth it or not to stay in this kind of relationship. Of course everybody would say ‘dump him!!” but when we loves somebody too much its hard to walk away. Any suggestions for me?


  26. psychic reed ext.5105 January 8, 2011 at 10:30 am

    I often tell my callers that this is the real world. It can be cold and hard sometimes and you will not always get what you deserve – but you will always get what you settle for.

    One more time:
    You will get what you settle for.

    The key is to know what you are worth, and then never settle for less!
    If someone cannot or will not give you what you want / need / deserve, then cut your losses – and don’t think for one minute that you’ll never find another person with whom you can connect.

    I know you may think that this person is “the one” – but if you aren’t happy and this person is treating you poorly, how can this person be “the one?”

    Reed
    ext 5105


  27. paula16 January 8, 2011 at 10:09 am

    I need advice please. I was married for 30 years and my husband left and married another woman. I was devastated, he only speaks to some of his children and there is a lot of hurt. please give me some advice…. Thank you…..Paula


  28. tina35 January 8, 2011 at 8:21 am

    This post refers to the “Breaking the Cycle of Defeat” article I just read. There is absolutely nothing to argue about in this article. The truth adorns every line of the text. And as I have moved throughout life, saying goodbye to friends that just don’t get it, I find myself with a very limited circle of friends as a result of moving away from toxic, abusive and unhealthy relationships. There’s a cost to making these decisions, and it’s called loneliness. Interestingly enough, as I have had a spike in alone time over the course of the last few years from telling others in my life, “no thanks,” I have had the distinct opportunity to focus on areas of my life, which needed help, but I was too busy focusing on someone others’ lives. So, while the lonliness factor does break my heart from time to time, I am encouraged to keep moving away from those unhealthy relationships because I wonder what in the world will I discover about myself next! I can only imagine what the end of this difficult journey looks like when I am healthy enough to detect an abuser/abusive relationship on contact and will easily be able to navigate around them with no doubt or fear. That will be a great day, and one I am looking forward to on my journey. My wish for you is that you see this also, that it just takes one step to walk away from an ugly person in you life, and then you just keep one foot walking in front of the other. Good luck. Tina35


  29. tray January 8, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Carmen,

    Great article and right on. Good advice too. Excluding those who walk around with a need to suffer, it’s amazing how some people will stick with a mate/spouse/steady who is bad for them. To use an extreme analogy, I sometimes counsel female readees who say things that amount to this: “Will my man come back to me? …. He uses drugs, doesn’t work much, lies, steals my money, cheats all the time, and sometimes beats me … OHHH BUT I LOVE HIM”. Clearly, many suffer from the Abused Woman’s Syndrome to the point of making excuses for their abuser and accepting the blame for his behavior. Among other things, I tell them PLEASE find some self esteem!

    And, Carmen, bless your heart, your ex not picking you up at the ER was pretty cold and the epitome of being self-involved. Good for you for dumping him and I also hope you gave him a “You’re A Real Clod” going away party.


  30. fladelores January 8, 2011 at 7:56 am

    Excellent article, Carmen. I needed to be reminded to
    steer clear of the losers you write about. Thank you.


  31. Diana Navarro January 8, 2011 at 12:24 am

    Excellent and timely piece. This is not only what I advised my own client recently but took to heart myself.

  32. Gina Rose ext.9500
    Gina Rose ext.9500 January 7, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Hi Carmen,

    Great article……all of these points need to be examined closely in any relationship. Being observant and objective, in watching for a repeating pattern or cycle of behavior is key.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

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